When We Were

by Diana Elliot Graham

Even at nineteen, I had so much respect for him.

aw

There’s something ironically spacious about an extra-long college twin bed. It’s not that I have room to stretch out beyond the width of it, but that doesn’t matter. It’s not about the bed. It’s about the freedom that comes with it. This entire space is mine. The items decorating my dorm reflect the person I’m here to be,

OMG yes.

But no, I read what she wrote, and all I could focus on were three words: ‘you dumped me.’ And it left me with two painful thoughts. One, I didn’t dump her. Two, these are very different from the three words we used to say.

oh shit

it’s because it gave me distance to decide who I wanted to be away from the weight and commentary of those around me even if a lot of that had been prewritten.

holy.... don't call me out like that

My feet are in his lap, his forearms laying across my legs, but his eyes are on me.

aw please i think i am falling in love

we’re going to be best fucking friends.”

AWWW OMG THE WAY I WOULD SCREAM

it was just long overdue truths belonging to two people that would be barely recognizable to our younger selves.

“I just don’t think I always made it easy for him to love me.”

.....gasp

I couldn’t let her see the scattered nature of the detonation of her mental grenade.

How can she ‘lol’ at a time like this?

HAHAHA he is so me

Did she just really ha ha me? Am I missing the funny part of this?

PLEASE I LOVE HIM

Arden, imagining how you felt, is what makes me fucking furious.

im sat

But there’s no way to know what to expect. And if you don’t know what to expect, prepare for it all anyway.

exactly...she gets it

For every perfectionist characteristic I possessed, there were other parts of me bursting at the seams.

yuppers !!!!!

It’s amazing how much first meetings and the roles you fill in those initial moments become who you are. That immediate imprint becomes the shape you take in people’s minds.

god... this writing is insane

The notes I leave written in the margins are my exchange, a way I can return to the pages that have given me so much of themselves.

And while his hair might be categorized as a dirty blonde, I don’t think there is a single messy thing about him.

“I’ve never had to get out of bed to find something I wanted to eat.”

BRUH

“If you want me, you have to say it, baby.”

hehehehe

He brushes the hair back from my forehead and plants the seed of a small kiss there to grow overnight.

He wanted to know me, not win me.

wow

“You really just always say what you want.” “No, I say what I mean.”

he is all i want to be

The only problem with being impressive, is eventually people become less impressed.

My lungs are working quickly, as if I can’t take in enough air. Suffocated entirely by what just happened. My heart is racing. No, my heart is breaking. It’s not speed I feel in my chest, but a shattering.

this author.

All she wants from me is an end. Even if I’m not ready to give it to her yet, I don’t think there’s anything I would deny her now, but I need to see her, need her to slow down and take a breath.

But I’m not drunk, I’m painfully sober. Any final drops of alcohol leaving my body when he left me.

But if I don’t know her, how does every atom in my body recognize her?

holy shit.

My mouth is hers. Every part of me is hers.

And all I can think is please, don’t let go. Not realizing that I’ve said it out loud until she responds.

It’s ironic that a man who only sees things in black and white, looks at me through gray eyes.

Somewhere along the way Reid decided I was both too much and never going to be enough, all at once.

“A slut has sex with everyone. A bitch has sex with everyone but you.”

EXCUSE ME

I had just been too busy clinging to our friendship to see what he really wanted from me, that he really wanted me, so I gave up and let him have it.”

no girl... no.

And I needed to regain a semblance of the control that I lost. No, I didn’t lose it. It was taken.

NO THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN

The way he looks at me doesn’t feel like love. Not how I remember it from just a week ago. This is different, it feels like victory.

There’s no closure for us, for this. There wasn’t then, and there isn’t now. We can only choose to accept it.

She looks painfully beautiful, or maybe pained and beautiful.

aw :(

Her eyes rim with tears. No. Those are mine.

OMFG

Maybe if the rest of the story is over, we can stay in the margins for just a bit longer like this.

ok callback

We won’t be who we were. But we will both be who we should.

FUCKKKKK

“So it doesn’t matter how we choose to remember what happened between us. I know two things...” He looks deep in my eyes, preparing himself for something that seems difficult to admit. “One.” He holds up a finger, and lets the soft smile pull on his lips. “I loved you.” “Two.” He extends a second finger, and the smile falls flat. “Not enough.”

SCREAMING. CRYING. THROWING UP.

You loved someone else, someone I used to be, and maybe I’m still her, and maybe in some ways you’re still him, but it was never going to be enough, and we won’t be them again, at least not together.”

some houses, no matter how beautiful, only have blueprints. They remain unfinished wood frames, the empty foundation on a plot of land. While visiting might be a gift, one I’ve been given, it’s not home.