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Oh fuck, thinks Haf, did I just snog this beautiful giantess’s man?
Oh fuck. She’s his ex.
Wait is someone dead?’ ‘No one’s dead.’
Haf: London, I am in you, etc.
how do you market yourself to dates when you feel like a clam that got left out on the side too long a good 90 per cent of the time?
Making eyes over the queer books? Couldn’t be more perfect.’ He chuckles to himself before sighing contentedly. ‘That’s the kind of meet-cute you dream of, the kind of queer stories we deserve.’
‘I know, but you gave me five minutes of entertainment and an anecdote for forever.’ ‘Happy to help. You can call it “The Tale of the Useless Bisexual”.’
Haf shrugs. ‘I wanted to ask your permission first.’ ‘Even though you stole the phone from me?’
‘I think you’ve got a fan,’ she says. ‘Oh, and I made my Twitter private, just to be safe. No one needs to see where I go to scream into the void.’
She adds her coat to an empty hook, hoping she hasn’t made a porch etiquette faux pas, on top of goosing his mother and being a peasant.
‘They must just be really excited about a new person being here,’ offers Kit airily. ‘You know, a completely new person they’ve never met before ever.’
Your whole horny goblin vibes.
What would you do if you fancied your boyfriend’s sister? Expire: 42%
So that leaves fake confidence and lying her arse off, which seem to be her new hobby.
Haf: It was kind of cute Ambrose: she’s a dork?? Ambrose: a hot dork?
David Attenborough,’
Like how is it complicated to understand going to the office unnecessarily wipes me out, and I will do better and more work at home, where I can look after myself, rather than satisfying someone’s desire for presenteeism?’
‘What have you done now?’ ‘Nothing! I’ve done nothing! Also normal people usually answer with “hello” by the way.’
@ambroseliew isn’t it awkward when your fake-bf’s ex-gf is making you a dress that makes your tits look banging enough to make his sister fall in love with you what?: 98% also what?: 2% 423 votes
oh fuck
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake,’
‘Haf was never my girlfriend. It’s all a lie.’
‘Ambrose’s Twitter polls confirmed it.’ Haf makes a mental note to definitely murder Ambrose.
yeppers
Haf falls apart laughing.
‘Whisky isn’t for liars,’ Kit says, sticking her tongue out at them both, but she does take two more glasses from the cart and fills them.
‘The fake-dating, the falling in love with your sister, all the other nonsense. That’s the combined force of two chaotic bisexuals.’
This feels a bit too on the nose, even for her.
She doesn’t know what to do, and so keeps stuffing her pastry into her face,
before she can realise what she’s doing, she’s wrapping her fingers around Kit’s own. Kit squeezes back.
Where do these people keep all this fancy fizz?
‘I was nine.’
‘I thought you said no more talking.’ ‘That was to shut you up
Ambrose: please tell me you did not fuck that girl Haf doesn’t reply. Ambrose: wow ok
Ambrose: good luck Ambrose: don’t fuck anyone else in that house Ambrose: it might make things somehow more awkward
that old shitty lie
Haf slightly regrets giving them those sausages when both of them start intermittently farting. ‘How is it so spicy?’ she whines, covering her mouth with her hand.
picking the newest Christmas film where Vanessa Hudgens plays several versions of herself.
i just watched strange's vanessaverse video. omg. i am angrily grumpy for no good reason
snow crimes!
some kind of U-Haul record.
Esther gives her a short nod. ‘So, let me get this straight,’ she says, her tone returned to classic pointed, slightly disbelieving Esther. ‘You two were never together? And you two are now together. And you two aren’t back together, but are friends again? And I’m terribly sorry, but I don’t actually know who you are.’ ‘Oh, I’m Ambrose, the flatmate. I’m here for moral support,’ they say. ‘But yes, that sounds about right.’ ‘Naturally,’ she says, a little bemused. ‘It’s like the end of a key party.’
‘Oh God, Mother, why do you know what a key party is?’ Kit shrieks. ‘I’m not dead yet, Kit.’ ‘I wish I was.’
not because you’re my real and fake daughter-not-quite-in-law.
