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“Oh, you look like a hot dentist.” I smile excitedly. “It’s ironic that you say that.” He looks down at himself, unimpressed. “I’m currently imagining pulling your teeth out, one by one.”
“You know, when I met you on the plane and you guessed that I was married to a vegan yoga nut, you failed to mention that you planned on turning into her.”
“Ahhhhhh,” he cries too as he reaches over and tries to put his hand up my dress. “What are you doing?” I yell. “Just putting my hand there to stop it coming out.” I swat him away. “You are the dumbest smart man I know,” I cry.
“If I could do this for you, I would,” he whispers. “You know that I would.”
“You are supposed to be chill like your mother, not psychopathic like me.”
“He said he wants scotch in his bottle.” “He did not say that.” “Oh that’s right, it was me, I want to drink scotch from the fucking bottle.”
The kids are playing in the back garden, James is five, Imogen is four, Alexander is two, and I’m pregnant again.
“I don’t want to push you out.” He sighs. “You haven’t, sweetheart. You’ve set me free.”
“Look what you did, Harry,” Patrick snaps outraged. “He’s crying now because he has to be your father and you’re so naughty. Harry is going to be good from now on, aren’t you, Harry.”
“He’s sharing his sons with me, it’s only fair I share my child with him. He’s a part of this family too.”
Just when you think you couldn’t love someone any more than you do.
When are you having a baby? A simple, harmless question with no malice intended. The result…a cut so deep that it goes straight to the bone. If they only knew what was going on behind closed doors.
prepare myself for it. My heart is bleeding for every mom that didn’t get her baby. For her dream of a family that didn’t come true. For the dads that never got to go to the mini league game, the Santa Claus they didn’t get to play.
“Don’t be nice to me.” I laugh. “It makes me psychotic.”
“Christopher, drive to the pharmacy and grab some antihistamines.” “Where’s the pharmacy? Ahhhhchooooooo,” he sniffles. “I don’t know, but you need to find one.” He grabs his keys, “It’s probably a trek wherever it is, nowhere is close now that we live out here in the boondocks.” “Why are you so dramatic?” “Because I’m dying here, Hayden, that’s fucking why?” He coughs in an overdramatic way, “I’m going into anaphylactic shock now and I’m guessing the nearest hospital isn’t close.”
Who cares about wolves when you have a big red tractor?
“For the record, no serial killer chairs are going in our bedroom so don’t get any dumb ideas.” “Okay.” “Our bedroom is going to be as bougie as fuck,” he mutters. “Okay.” “With lots of fucking in it.”
“Eddie,” I call. “Come on, we’re going for a drive.” “Okay.” He comes bounding down the stairs. “Where are we going?” “To meet the neighbors,” Christopher replies dryly. “I don’t even like fucking neighbors.” “Will you stop swearing all the time?” I snap. “Stop giving me things to swear about then.” “Get in the fucking car.” “I thought you said we couldn’t swear?” “Christopher…” I widen my eyes; I swear to god he’s like an annoying five-year-old.
“Hayden wanks bulls,” Christopher interrupts us. My god.
“What the hell is this?” I whisper. There’s a million people, cows are in the centre and the auctioneer is talking so fast that I can’t even understand him. “It’s like Times square on fucking crack.” Elliot frowns.
I make my way up to the house and walk in to see Sylvester and Minnie, our cats, lying in front of the fire, stretched out and sleeping like logs. I stare at them all relaxed like. “Dare I ask if you two wild beasts caught any mouses today?” I frown as I mouth the word. Mouses. “Mice, did you two catch any mice today?” They keep sleeping. “Everybody is working in this house to keep the wheels running except you two,” I tell them as I kick off my shoes and take off my jacket. “You better start pulling your weight around here or that’s it. No more fire and no more free meals.”
“To the next generation of Miles’s, may they live greater, faster, harder, and fuck like demons.” Tristan snorts his drink up his nose. “And for my girls to be virgins forever so that I don’t have to kill anybody.”
“Let me hold her.” “I want to hold her,” Eddie replies. “Later, you’re the kid.” Christopher takes her from him. “The dad always holds the baby as you leave the hospital, everyone knows that. It’s the dad law.” “I’m carrying her into the house when we get home then,” Eddie replies. I roll my eyes. Fuck my life. “Are you two going to fight over holding her forever now?” “Yes,”
