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The trees whispered. They said, here here here. They said, here is where you belong. They said, here is where you are meant to be.
“I don’t know who I am,” I admitted, and it was a terrible thing to say aloud, but after the words were out, I felt … lighter. Almost free.
It was the first time I’d heard a male voice in a long while, because the Alpha didn’t allow men in her pack. She said she had no use for them and winked at me, telling me that I was going to be the exception. It made me the happiest I’d been in a long time, because I’d be a good man. The best there ever was. My mother told me as much.
She thought it was silly, but I’d never seen anyone more beautiful.
She told me there was a rumor of a place, far, far to the west, where wolves and humans lived together in harmony. They loved each other, she whispered, because that’s what pack was supposed to do.
For a moment I thought I saw a wolf standing on the dirt pathway leading toward the house. I see you. Oh god, I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be seen so badly. I blinked and the wolf was gone, if it’d been there at all.
I wasn’t looking at the camera or at any of the others. I only had eyes for one person. And oh, was he smiling at me as if I were the only thing in his entire world.
The clouds would part and there would only be sun where there’d once been shadow.”
He would remember what it felt like, would remember the comforting weight of the moon as it called out, singing here i am my loves here i am because i am always with you i am your mother i am your father and all will be well will be well.
“Why are you like this?” “You mean amazing? I don’t know. I guess I’ve always been this way.”
the sky and the stars through the canopy of leaves. “We came here sometimes. Just the two of us. And you would pretend to know all the stars. You would make up stories that absolutely weren’t true, and I remember looking at you, thinking how wonderful it was to be by your side.
“Take this bread, all of you, for it is my body. Eat of me and—” “Your little brother doesn’t seem to mind eating my bread.”
“Why is Robbie sitting there with his mouth open?” Chris whispered to Tanner. “I think he’s coming to a dawning realization,” Tanner whispered back. “Keep watching him.”
“I think Rico likes to bitch about things regardless. It’s a personality trait.”
A home is a place. But it can also be a person. You’re that person for him.
Elizabeth stopped singing when I walked back into the room. I kneeled before her on the floor because she was a queen, and she deserved my respect.
And I smiled at him because I could.
“Bambi,” Rico said into his phone in the back seat, “I can’t talk long. I’m in the back of Kelly’s cop car and— What? No, I haven’t been arrested. I didn’t do anything! Would you just— Oh. Right. Yeah, I guess that was illegal. But that was one time, and no one knows about it except for you and every person in the pack, which, now that I think about it, is a lot of people. I’m with Robbie and— Oh man, you know I love it when you get all hard-core. Yes, baby, I’ve got my guns. If there’s shooting, I’ll make sure it counts just for you. Your man is gonna take care of shit— You are not a better
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“Rico taught me.” “That … doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.” “Oh, fuck you, lobito,” Rico said. “I’ll have you know that I’m amazing when it comes to shooting—yes, my love. I know. But being humble has never been in my nature. You can’t tame me, no matter how hard you try. I am a man, and I— Bambi, I swear to God, if you don’t stop laughing, I’m going to hang up on you.”
grass and lake water and sunshine
It was good between us. We took it slow. You smiled all the time. You brought me flowers once. Mom was pissed because you ripped them up from her flower bed and there were still roots and dirt hanging from the bottom, but you were so damn proud of yourself. You said it was romantic. And I believed you. There was something … I don’t know. Endless. About you and me. We came here sometimes. Just the two of us. And you would pretend to know all the stars. You would make up stories that absolutely weren’t true, and I remember looking at you, thinking how wonderful it was to be by your side.
“Grass. Lake water. Sunshine.” I sucked in a sharp breath. “That’s what I smell like to you. Isn’t it?” “Yeah,” I said hoarsely. “It is.” “I never told you what it was like for me. How I knew that day. When we came back. How I knew you were my mate.” “It’s—” “Home,” he whispered. “You smell like home. You always have. And that’s the only thing that matters. You don’t need to remember because I remember for the both of us.”
Because there was this guy. This man. This wolf. And he was looking at me like he never wanted to see anything else. I knew as sure as I knew anything else that if I said no, if I said I wanted to stay as I was now, he’d be fine with it. He’d be okay. He’d support me, and he wouldn’t push. But I owed him more. I owed him everything.
He said, “Hey,” and “Hi,” and “Hello,” and I knew I would do whatever it took. He never stopped fighting for me. I needed to do the same. For him. For myself. For us.
“What if this changes? You and me?” “Then we adapt,” he said. “We grow. We learn. And we do it together. The two of us. I love you, Robbie. No matter who you are.”
I looked back at this pack of mine. This ridiculous, wonderful pack. At the way they moved in the moonlight, the way they sang together, the way they loved each other with their whole hearts.
He doesn’t talk much, but that’s okay. I talk enough for the both of us.
“I need to tell you something,” I say, my voice strong. “And I know it might be surprising to hear from me, but I think … I think you’re amazing. I think you’re wonderful. I don’t know if there’s anyone like you in all the world, Kelly. And I know you probably don’t think of me the same way, and that’s okay. I don’t want to put any pressure on you. I would never do that. I just … I look at you, sometimes, and my heart is in my throat and I can’t breathe. I guess that means you take my breath away, ha, ha, but … goddammit. This is fucking awful.” I shake my head in disgust. My reflection in the
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Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. The last thing I sent to him was a fucking heart emoji. If only I’d known what was about to happen. If I had, I would have told him I loved him. I would have told him I never loved anyone like I love him. I would have thanked him for making me whole. For giving me hope. For giving me a home. I would have told him that even if this was always going to be my ending, if given the chance, I would do it all over again. For him. For my pack.
Bemused, she realized he was nervous. He should be. She knew her worth.
“That’s what our world needs, another man in charge.”
