You're Not Supposed to Die Tonight

by Kalynn Bayron

For Final Girls everywhere

It never really feels like home, just a place to stay.

“Do not play with me,” I say aloud. I reach into my shower kit, pull out a can of Mace, and flip off the safety. “I will Mace you and I won’t feel bad about it.”

I only play a final girl at Camp Mirror Lake; I don’t actually want to be one. I turn my Black ass right around and book it back to my cabin, where I close and lock the door. For now, my face full of fake blood is going to stay just the way it is.

“I’m a vegetarian,” I say to him. He looks at me, confused. “Huh?” “She don’t like meat,” Porter says. “Strictly strawberries, like my man Harry Styles said.” Javier’s brows push together. Me and Porter are both part of the alphabet mafia, so we get it, but poor Javier is clueless. “I’m gay,” I say. “Very, very gay. Save all that flirting and goofy grinning for somebody who wants it and who also isn’t your direct supervisor.” Porter tilts his head to the side. “I, however, am strictly dickly and not your supervisor, so please feel free to try and seduce me.

He said I was responsible, self-sufficient, and trustworthy. That’s mostly true. I’m all those things, but mostly because I don’t have any other choices. Being the child of an irresponsible parent who doesn’t really care what you’re doing as long as it doesn’t mess up her plans will do that to you.

I know full well that the police aren’t here to protect and serve; they’re here to enforce compliance with whatever set of rules they’re following today.

“As soon as people start having sex, it’s like a bat signal to the killer. He hears cheeks clappin’, then here he comes with a knife to slice everybody up.”

Bezi leans close to my ear. “Are the straights okay?” I have to cover my mouth to keep from laughing. “Absolutely not.”

“Seems so random sometimes, doesn’t it? How does a man like that become president? How does a person like that accumulate so much wealth? How does it all just seem to fall in place for some folks? Especially the ones who don’t deserve it.”

“H-hello?” I call out. I immediately kick myself. Paige would tell me that my Black ass has no business calling out in the dark to a stranger.