Be Not Afraid of Love: Lessons on Fear, Intimacy, and Connection

by Mimi Zhu

In The Politics of Trauma, Staci K. Haines defines shame as “the generalized sense that we are wrong, bad, tainted, stupid, that it is all our fault. It is a deep and often hidden feeling that something is very wrong with us. Shame is the pervasive sense that we are wrong, not that we did something wrong.” Shame triggers a spiral that leads us to detrimental self-punishment; instead of creating possibilities for change, shame makes us feel like everything is caving in on us. Guilt, on the other hand, is an uncomfortable awareness of our actions. It can drive us toward a recognition of our responsibilities and what we must do to atone for our mistakes, especially if we have caused harm to others. Guilt can bring us closer to facing the consequences we need to face when we have enacted harm. It can help us create change, make amends, forge new patterns, invite openness, and do what we can to assist in healing the people we may have harmed (which can also mean giving space). It is important to listen to our guilt without becoming engulfed by it.