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“All mine?” he asks on a whisper. “All yours.”
For so long, I’d convinced myself I was better off on my own. I’d grown so accustomed to my independence, told myself I needed it to be strong, I hadn’t realized how alone I felt. Then Garrett gave me my best friend, a partner to stand by my side and hold my hand. And the world feels a lot less scary when we face it together rather than separately. I don’t ever want to go without this feeling again.
“How do you like your eggs?” I must be some kind of stupid to consider answering fertilized. Instead, I clear my throat, tuck my hair behind my ear, and ask the real question. “Is in a cake an option?”
She grins, giggles, then pops a kiss on my mouth. “I love you. Oh, one sec.” She hits the power button on the window, letting the cold air in as she leans out. “Fuck you, Steve,” she screams at Simon, flipping him the double bird. She turns back around, sinking into her seat with a happy sigh.
“I don’t like lying to him anymore, Jennie. Not when I don’t see an end in sight for us.” My heart pitter-patters. “You don’t?” “I really don’t, sunshine.” “Oh good.” My body sags with relief. “Neither do I, but I don’t know how these things go.”
“I’m worried he won’t think I’m good enough for you.” “You are so good for me, Garrett. But more than that, we’re good for each other. You’ve helped me overcome things in a few months that I haven’t been able to get over in several years. I think in the end that’ll be what matters to Carter.”
“You’ve gotta get ready. There are some excited kids waiting to meet their hero.” “I can’t believe I’m anyone’s hero.” “I can.” He’s been mine before, even if I always wanted to be the only one who saved me. But sometimes you need to let someone else in so they can help save you.
She twists her cookie apart. “Six foot four, well over two hundred pounds, crushes people into the boards for a living, and the idea of a seven-pound baby girl terrifies the living hell out of him.” “I so hope it’s a girl.” “You and me both, Jennie. You and me both.”
Me: Boring and unimportant job, huh? Emily: Shut up. Me: My little softie. Emily: Don’t ruin my bad bitch image, J.
“Nine-one-one, do you need fire, ambulance, or police?” My response gets lost in my throat as all three men descend on Carter at once, a tangled mass of bodies rocking into a nearby car before falling to the ground. Olivia’s bloodcurdling scream drowns everything else out except my own voice when I choke out, “I think I’m having a panic attack.”
“I’m tired and I want—Garrett.” The doors to the waiting room burst open, revealing the only man I want to see right now, his desperate gaze sweeping the space. His wild eyes land on me, and I don’t know why my knees start quivering, why all the weight on my shoulders suddenly melts and my eyes well with tears, but the second he murmurs my name and starts moving across the room, I move too. I throw my arms around his neck, and my legs circle his waist the moment he hoists me up. When his lips meet mine, a collective gasp moves through the room.
We had a plan, but if life has taught me anything, it’s that nothing ever goes to plan. Almost everything goes to shit. I guess that’s not entirely true. Because life gave me Jennie, and Jennie gave me life.
“You guys are moving to Vancouver?” “We’re doing it, Garrett. We’re moving to Vancouver.”
“I’m so happy for you, Garrett. You’re going to have your family here.” Jennie drifts to sleep in my arms, and I know I already have my family right here.
Jennie is a lot of things. She’s bold and loud, confident and fierce, quiet and soft. She’s strong and resilient, persistent. She’s got a big, sensitive heart that feels everything. But she’s not fragile. She fights for everything. She pushes herself and comes out on the other side, always, even if it takes time. This version of her, so broken and lost, makes every inch of me ache for her. I don’t know how to make this better, and I hate the incompetency.
Darkness curls inside me. “Don’t you fucking say that. I love you for who you are, not because of your brother, and sure as shit not because you live four floors below me. You could take that job in Toronto and I’d still love you, and I’d keep loving you for the rest of my life. Because I love you, Jennie.” “Do you even know who I am? You love the confident me. The snarky comebacks and the bold girl who says everything that comes to her mind. But what if this is me? What if this broken, shattered version is what’s real?” “You’re allowed to feel things, Jennie. You’re allowed to grieve. You’re
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“If you stay in Toronto, you do it for the right fucking reasons. You stay because you love it, because the job is your dream, more than owning your own studio, than teaching kids to love dance the same way you do. You stay because you feel at home there, and you fall in love with the city, and it feels wrong to be anywhere else. You don’t stay because you’re standing in someone’s shadow; you don’t even stand in your own. You don’t stay because your friends came from your brother. Those friends are the family that chose you, that keep choosing you, day in and day out. And you sure as shit
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That’s why a half hour later, she promises she’ll be back, that it’s not goodbye when she presses her mouth to mine. Yet goodbye is the last word that falls from her lips as she disappears with her bag over her shoulder and my heart on the floor.
Bear: I know you need space to make this decision on your own, but I couldn’t let you go in there without saying something first. Bear: You can do this. You deserve this. You’ve earned it. If you want it, all you have to do is reach out and take it. I’m proud of you, Jennie, and no matter what, you’ll always be my best friend, and I’ll always be your safe place to land.
“I’m not sure I’m ready to be so far away from them,” I finish quietly, and when the rest of the table agrees it’s a big decision, that I can decide before I fly home, I spend the rest of dinner thinking about it, a life without them.
“Have some of the most important people in your life found you through your brother? Yes. But so what? I believe life puts us in the path of those people we need, that we’re going to stumble across each other one way or another. Let’s not put stock in how it happens and just be grateful that it does, that our lives are filled with the love of the people who bring us happiness and comfort, the ones who make us laugh, who can change our entire day with a smile or a hug.”
One day Garrett was a stranger, a man who blushed every time I spoke to him, who couldn’t string a handful of words together to form a response. And then suddenly, he was everywhere, everything, opening up to me, showing me the man beneath the shy exterior, the incredible friend, the compassionate brother and son. He drew me in, and with each bit he gave me, he showed me a place he had to hold parts of me too.
“You are worthy of every single thing you desire, Jennie. Don’t you ever, ever give up your dream, whatever that dream may be.” My dream? I don’t think this is it, not here. My dream is at home. It’s letting myself be loved by the people who want to love me, the ones who make me feel so full and beautiful and spectacular that I feel like I’m bursting. I once read that there are different types of love. The ones where you learn, where you grow, realize what you need. That you’ll fall in love over and over, until finally, you arrive at your destination. You find the one you’ve been searching for
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Why is loving myself less important than the idea of other people loving me?
But what if falling in love is when being with that person is better than the comfort of the solitude? What if love is when you embrace it together, the chaos of your mind, and make it better than you ever thought it could be? Because in the middle of my storm, the center of all my chaos, Garrett waits with open arms, ready to shatter me with a love so unconditional, one I didn’t know existed before him. And suddenly it clicks. I can stand on my own, but I don’t have to. I’m allowed to be one part of a whole. I’m allowed to choose love.
“Maybe you could ask her to stay,” Jaxon suggests. “I can’t.” I want to. I want to be selfish. But I can’t. Jennie deserves this opportunity. More than wanting her to stay, I want her to follow her dreams. And I’d never ask her to pick me over her dreams.
“I think love is a good enough reason to do most things, but I don’t need her to stay in Vancouver for me to love her. I’m going to love her wherever she is, and I’m going to make sure she feels it.” Because that, I think, is Jennie’s greatest struggle: not understanding that she doesn’t have to sacrifice a single piece of herself to have all the love she deserves. Real love isn’t conditional. It’s seeing somebody for everything they are and accepting all of them. It’s knowing you’re friends first and lovers second, understanding that arguments are opportunities to know each other deeper. It’s
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Carter’s eyes darken, his battle cry echoing across the ice as he rolls on top of me. “You’re fucking my sister!” “I fucking love her!”
“But that’s what your silence sounds like. Don’t you get that? You’re allowed to be mad, but you’re acting like a child. Jennie doesn’t need you to protect her. She needs you to stand by and be her friend and her brother and watch her lead her own life because she kicks ass all on her own. You should want her to be happy no matter where she finds that happiness.” “I do want her to be happy,” he whispers, finally climbing off me, sprawling out on the ice beside me. “Jennie deserves the world.” “And I want to give her it.”
He stops in front of us, spraying Carter with ice, grinning. “You’re needed at the hospital.” Carter’s spine straightens. “What?” “You’re about to be a daddy.” “Holy shit!” Carter rolls over, throwing himself on top of me in some sort of hug before he scrambles to his feet, throws his arms out wide, and screeches, “I’m gonna be a dad!” Adam hoists me to my feet as Carter flies across the ice. “Olivia! I’m coming, baby!”
The man isn’t scared; he’s fucking terrified.
A door bangs somewhere, followed by the fast, hard slap of footsteps. Carter skids into the room, clothed in blue hospital scrubs, one of those little caps on his head. “It’s a girl,” he sobs, choking on the tears streaming down his face. “I’m fucking terrified!”
“Hank, we want you to hold her first.” Hank’s white brows jump. “Me? Really?” “Really.” His hands come up on either side of his head, shaking and flustered. “Well, okay then. Somebody find me a chair. It’s been a long time since I’ve held a baby, and this one’s extra precious.” Adam helps Hank down to a seat, and Carter places his brand-new daughter in his arms, all seven pounds and eleven ounces of perfection. Nothing but pride and love shine in Carter’s eyes as he brushes her cheek and murmurs, “Meet your pseudo-grandpa, sweet Ireland.”
Tears brew in Hank’s blue eyes as he whispers, “Ireland?” “Ollie and I couldn’t imagine a more perfect name for our little miracle.” Hank’s hand trembles as he skims it up the tiny bundle. The tip of his pointer finger stops at her tiny chin, and he cups her round cheek in his weathered hand. His chin quivers, and a tear drips from his lashes, landing on her blanket. “You, sweet Ireland, are going to be the strongest, fiercest, most loved little girl.”
“I just wanted to hug her,” I mumble. “What?” “I said I just wanted to hug her. She was right there and all I wanted to do was—oof!” A body collides with mine from behind, and heat sparks, spreading through me like fire as two arms wrap around my middle, holding me tight. Jennie moves in front of me, covering my heart with one hand, the other cupping my face. “I wanted to hug you too.” She presses up on her toes and touches her lips to my cheek. “I missed you,” she whispers against my skin,
Sunshine: Wanna play a game? Me: What’s the game? Sunshine: Toronto vs. Vancouver An attachment follows. Toronto: Interesting sex shop on Cumberland St. Spent $$$. 3 Sweet Jesus ice cream locations. Why did we close our only one? Vancouver: Garrett makes the best hot chocolate. Garrett tickles my back in bed & when we watch movies on the couch. Dance battles with Garrett. Slow dancing in the kitchen with Garrett. Garrett does crafts with me. Garrett brings me snacks in bed. Cuddling with Garrett. Spending an entire shower just kissing Garrett. Garrett gives the best bear hugs. Garrett took me
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He strokes his finger down the side of her face. The corner of her mouth lifts, pulling a deep dimple into her cheek. I gasp. “You’ve got your auntie’s dimples.” “Our dimples.” “Yes, you look so cute with your auntie’s dimples, don’t you, sweet Ireland?”
He looks away, murmuring his next words. “I’m afraid you won’t need me anymore.” My eyes sting, and I blink rapidly, trying to stop the tears before they can start. It’s no use. Damn it. Stupid fucking tears.
I throw my arms around Carter’s neck, and he holds me as I cry. “I’ll always need you. That will never, ever change.” “Promise?” he asks on a whisper. “Promise.”
“You’re really staying?” “This is where I belong, Garrett.” “Together?” “Nowhere else.”
“It’s okay to be one part of a whole.” She speaks the words gently, like a realization that’s already dawned, the final pieces coming together, taking it from a fantasy to a truth. Her soft blue eyes lift to mine, and the gratitude shining there, the love, it’s enough to knock the breath from my lungs. “I think you’re the biggest part, Garrett.”
Falling in love with you is like checking the very last thing off my bucket list.”
“I want to keep you forever. Please don’t leave.”
“My place? You movin’ in?” “No.” She laughs. “That would be crazy. Right?” “So crazy,” I agree. “We’ve only been officially dating for, like, four weeks.” “I’ve loved you a lot longer than four weeks, though, sunshine.” Her beam is bright and warm, just like her nickname. “You have? Me too.” Linking my fingers through hers, I tug her into me, and we start swaying to the music still drifting quietly through the speaker. My lips touch her shoulder, trailing the slope of her neck, pausing at her ear. “Can I tell you something?” “Of course.” “I like crazy.”
Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic? How many times do I have to tell you I’m sorry?” My sneakers squeak as I skid to a stop, and rage thuds in my ears, in line with the beating of my heart. His expression tells me everything I need to know: he’s not sorry. He wasn’t before and he’s sure as hell not now. What he wants is forgiveness he doesn’t deserve. He wants to walk away without the guilt of what he’s done. “Sometimes an apology isn’t enough.” When he opens his mouth, I beat him to it. “Sometimes it’s not enough,” I repeat. “People like you throw out apologies like greetings,
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“Don’t ever let anyone walk all over you, ladies. Know your worth, set your boundaries, and don’t let anyone disrespect either of those things. If they do, knee ’em in the nuts and hit ’em with an exploding confetti dick bomb straight to the face. Understood?” “Yes, Jennie,” they respond in unison.
“They move in four weeks.” “Yup.” “That means I can move back home soon.” “You’re already home.” “What?” “This is your home.” The words lick at the skin on my neck, hot and sweet. “I’m keeping you.” “Are you asking me to move in with you?” “I’m telling you you’re not going anywhere.” “Hmm. Feels very bossy of you.” “Guess you’re rubbing off on me, sunshine.”
“Mine,” he murmurs with every kiss. “Your what?” His smile is so tender as he gazes at me in the mirror, beautiful and special, like it’s all for me. His nose nudges my jaw until I turn my face to his, and he presses his lips to mine. “My best friend, my sunshine, and my whole heart.” Fireworks erupt and my heart takes flight as I settle into the love I always wanted, the love I craved. I couldn’t have ever imagined it’d feel like this, so whole, so complete it makes my shoulders uncurl, makes me stand a little taller.
In the end, all I did was lose bits of myself. I placed myself in a box and hid my most vulnerable parts, the pieces I was too scared to show, the parts that made me exactly who I was, because I was afraid people wouldn’t love me for me. But maybe what I was actually afraid of was that somebody would love me for me. That they’d see all of me, the sharp, jagged edges right along with the soft, frayed ones, and still choose me. And that’s what Garrett does. He sees all of me, and he chooses me, day in and day out. He says I’m his sunshine, but I think he’s mine. I shine a whole lot brighter with
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Everyone lost their minds the first time I walked up to Jennie after exiting the change room and kissed her in front of a horde of reporters, and her brother. To be fair, we’d just won the first round of the play-offs. I deserved to kiss her. It was the same when we lost in the third round, when all I wanted to do was lay my head on her shoulder and hold her.
