How to Kill Men and Get Away With It

by Katy Brent

This is for every woman who has ever walked home with her keys between her fingers. And for my mum, who has always shown me what it means to be a strong woman.

‘When we are struck at without a reason, we should strike back again very hard; I am sure we should – so hard as to teach the person who struck us never to do it again.’ —JANE EYRE

I’m baffled by how men think it’s easier to just ignore someone than have a conversation with them. It fascinates me.’ It’s hideous.

Oh, to have the confidence of a very average white male.

Hindsight is a bastard.

The more I felt Adam recoil from me, the harder I tried to cling to him and the harder I clung, the further he would retreat.

I want to live in a world where I don’t have to keep my keys between my fingers in case I’m attacked walking home.

I know it’s not all men. But unfortunately, they don’t come with coloured wristbands so we can tell the difference between the good guys and the bad ones.

– as I move mine to shake it – he lifts it to his lips and kisses my fingers. My mind wanders to the hand sanitiser in my bag.

I need someone different. Someone new. Someone kind and normal who doesn’t tell sexist jokes and make me want to peel my own skin off. Oh, and cheat for months with a little bitch. But where would I find someone like this out of a bad romcom? Definitely not an app. Even the thought of going on an actual real date from Tinder makes me want to hide in bed with a bottle of wine. But where else do people my age find love if it’s not through dating apps or people they know? It’s like looking for a unicorn on a council estate.

And don’t even get me started on men in sandals. Some things just shouldn’t be seen out in public and hairy toes are one of them.

I’m all for equality and stuff, but there’s still room for some old-fashioned chivalry in the world.