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There you are, Lennon. There you fucking are.
I’ve used up all my Macon Davis lives. I couldn’t survive him again.
I am once again the naïve, stupid girl who wasn’t enough for the boy she loved. I’m the person who tried everything to be what he wanted and failed. I’m left behind. I’m discarded.
I don’t want to mourn. I don’t want to grieve. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I want to live my fucking life.
She’s the spark that sets my creativity ablaze. She’s my artistic other half. I’ve never felt more whole than when I’m with her.
Her eyes lock on mine, and I know I’ll tell her anything when she looks at me like that.
She just locks her eyes with mine while I wait for her to speak. I’m always waiting on Lennon, but I don’t mind. I’ve been waiting on her since we were teenagers. What’s a little longer?
I hate how he’s the only one who can spark that fire inside of me. I hate it even more, because he’s the only one who can ruin me so thoroughly.
Not the spark of electricity that I resent. Not the pull that I can’t seem to deny. Not how much I hate myself for still loving him, no matter how hard I try not to.
It’s like I need him so that I won’t need him, but it’s going to blow up in my face.
Why does this hurt so much? I was done hurting over him. I’m supposed to be stronger than this now.
He lies and I listen because I want so desperately to believe him.
I’m always going to be an addict, and she’s always going to be my greatest temptation. The only addiction worth ruining myself for.
I just needed space. No one has ever made me feel the way he does, in every possible way. It’s like he lights a fire inside me. He winds me up until I’m so full of energy, I could burst.
“I’m an addict, Astraea. I don’t know how to do anything small. I feel intensely. I want intensely. I crave intensely. For me, if it’s not a healthy obsession, it’s not love.”
“What is this feeling? I feel like I’m drowning. Like I’m suffocating and you’re my oxygen.” He presses his forehead to mine, lips ghosting over my lips as he speaks. “I think it’s love.” I feel him smirk. “You get used to it.”
The spirit of the boy I fell for in the body of the man I love.
My left side wasn’t unlucky. It was just waiting for Lennon. She heals my hurts. She strengthens me. I’m so stupidly in love with her.
I never gave up, Macon. Not really. I was just scared I’d have to wait until the next life to find you again.”
“This life. The next life. Every life after that. I will love you in all of them, Lennon Capri. It doesn’t matter who you become or how you change. My soul will always belong to yours.”
“I love you, Macon Andrew Davis, in this life and all the rest of them. I love you.”