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A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is obsessed with controlling that other person’s behavior.
It lies in ourselves, in the ways we have let other people’s behaviors affect us and in the ways we try to affect them: the controlling, the obsessive “helping,” caretaking, low self-worth bordering on self-hatred, self-repression, an abundance of anger and guilt, a peculiar dependency on peculiar people, an attraction to and tolerance for the bizarre, othercenteredness that results in abandonment of self, communication problems, intimacy problems, and an ongoing whirlwind trip through the five-stage grief process.
They suggest codependents want and need sick people around them to be happy in an unhealthy way.
When should we detach? When we can’t stop thinking, talking about, or worrying about someone or something; when our emotions are churning and boiling; when we feel like we have to do something about someone because we can’t stand it another minute; when we’re hanging on by a single thread that’s starting to feel frayed; and when we believe we can no longer live with the problems we’ve been trying to live with.
We don’t have to take other people’s behaviors as reflections of our self-worth.
We don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth.
Someone else’s bad mood, sharp tongue, bad day, negative thoughts, social media rant, or active substance abuse does not have to run or ruin our lives, days, or even an hour of our time. If people don’t want to be with us or act healthy, it’s not a reflection on our self-worth.
People with codependency issues make great employees. They don’t complain; they do more than their share; they do whatever is asked of them; they please people; and they try to do their work perfectly—at least for a while, until they become angry and resentful.
We’re so careful to see that no one gets hurt. No one, that is, but ourselves.
Rescuing and caretaking mean almost what they sound like. We rescue people from their responsibilities. We take care of people’s responsibilities for them. Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done. Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves.
many codependents have misinterpreted the suggestions to “give until it hurts.” We continue giving long after it hurts, usually until we are doubled over in pain. It’s good to give, but we don’t have to give it all away. It’s okay to keep some for ourselves.
Make a home for yourself within yourself. Find and develop your own internal supply of peace, well-being, and self-esteem.
Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It’s an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss, and change. It protects us. It wards off the blows of life until we can gather our other coping resources.
We can successfully turn almost every aspect of our lives into a goal/intention. If it bothers you, make it a goal.
We don’t have to waste time trying to convince the other person that what they said makes no sense. Learn to say, “I don’t want to discuss this.”
We can show compassion and concern without rescuing. Learn to say, “Sounds like you’re having a problem. What do you need from me?” Or learn to say, “I’m sorry you’re having that problem.” Then, let it go. You don’t have to fix it.
For many people, caretaking and chemical use became substitutes for intimacy.
Later, this process of “increased tolerance” of inappropriate behaviors may reverse. Suddenly, we may become totally intolerant of even the most human behaviors. In the beginning, we make excuses for a person’s inappropriate behavior; toward the end, there is no excuse.
Not only do many of us begin tolerating abnormal, unhealthy, and inappropriate behaviors, we take it one step further: we convince ourselves these behaviors are normal and what we deserve. We may become so familiar with verbal abuse and disrespectful treatment that we don’t even recognize when these things are happening.
You can spoil your fun, your day, your life—that’s your business—but I won’t let you spoil my fun, my day, or my life.
She’s lied to me 129 times. Now she’s mad at me because I say I don’t trust her. What should I do?” I’ve repeatedly heard variations of this. My answer is usually the same: there’s a difference between trust and stupidity. Of course you don’t trust Heather. Quit trying to make yourself trust someone you don’t trust.
