Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by Melody Beattie

But many of us don’t just want people—we need people. We may become driven, controlled by this need. Needing people too much can cause problems. Other people become the key to our happiness. I believe much of this centering our lives around other people goes hand in hand with codependency and springs out of our emotional insecurity. I believe much of this incessant approval seeking also comes from insecurity. The magic is in others, not us, we believe. The good feelings are in them, not us. The less good stuff we find in ourselves, the more we seek it in others. They have it all; we have nothing. Our existence is not important. We have been abandoned and neglected so often that we also abandon ourselves. Needing people so much, yet believing we’re unlovable and people will never be there for us, can become a deeply ingrained belief and a source of inner conflict. Sometimes, we think people aren’t there for us when they really are. This dysfunctional belief may block our vision, preventing us from seeing the love that is there. Sometimes, no human being could be there for us the way we need them to be—to absorb and care for us, and make us feel good, complete, and safe.