Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by Melody Beattie

Emotional dependency and feeling stuck can also cause problems in salvageable relationships. If we are in a relationship that is still good, we may be too insecure to detach and start taking care of ourselves. We may stifle ourselves and smother or drive away the other person. That much need becomes obvious to other people. It can be sensed, felt. Ultimately, too much dependency on a person can kill love. Relationships based on emotional insecurity and need, rather than on love, can become self-destructive. They don’t work. Too much need smothers love. It drives people away. It attracts the wrong kind of people. And our real needs don’t get met. Our real needs become greater, and so does our despair. We center our lives around this person, trying to protect our source of security and happiness. We forfeit our lives to do this. And we become angry at this person. We’re being controlled by them. We’re dependent on them. We ultimately become angry and resentful at what we’re dependent on and controlled by because we have given our personal power and rights—our agency—away.5