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“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
Reminds me of shame. Once you realize you feel shame it dissipates.
codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is obsessed with controlling that other person’s behavior.
our unhappiness blame others for whatever predicament we are in
Feelings are important, but they’re only feelings.
Self-care is an attitude toward ourselves and our lives that says, “I am responsible for myself.” I am responsible for leading my life. I am responsible for tending to my spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial well-being. I am responsible for identifying and meeting my needs. I am responsible for solving my problems or learning to live with those I cannot solve. I am responsible for my choices.
Giving ourselves what we need isn’t difficult. We can learn quickly. The formula is simple: in any given situation, detach and ask, What do I need to do to take care of myself ? Then listen to your higher self and respect what you hear.
Drews advises
We can learn to practice radical self-love. I’m not talking about a half-hearted or wishy-washy commitment to ourselves. I’m also not talking about becoming egocentric or narcissistic. Be humble, be honest, but love yourself. The love we give ourselves will enhance all the love we give and receive.
Acceptance is the ultimate paradox: we cannot change who we are until we accept ourselves the way we are.
because we’re lying to ourselves. We feel crazy because we are believing other people’s lies. Nothing will help us feel crazy faster than being lied to.
“Denial isn’t lying,” Noel Larsen, a licensed consulting psychologist, explained. “It’s not letting yourself know what reality is.”
Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It’s an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss, and change. It protects us. It wards off the blows of life until we can gather our other coping resources.
The anger sometimes explodes like a bomb, but it’s not over. The other person says, “How dare you become angry with me? I’ll get angry with you, but not the other way around.” The codependent says, “After all I’ve done for you, I’ll get angry whenever I please.” But silently, we wonder: Maybe they’re right. How dare I get angry. There must be something wrong with me for feeling this way. We deal another blow to our self-worth with a little guilt tacked on. Plus, the anger is still there. The problems don’t get resolved; the anger festers and boils.
Anger may be a commonplace emotion, but it’s tough to deal with. Most of us haven’t been taught how to deal with anger because people show—rather than teach—us how they deal with anger. And most people show us inappropriate ways to deal with anger because they’re not sure either. People may
we allow ourselves to feel our anger, we’ll lose control of ourselves. People will leave if we get angry with them. People will leave if they get angry with us. If people get angry with us, we must have done something wrong. If people are angry with us, we made them feel that way, and we’re responsible for fixing their feelings. If someone made us angry, they’re responsible for fixing our feelings. If we feel angry with someone, the relationship is over, and that person has to leave.
we feel angry with someone, they have to change what they’re doing so we don’t feel angry anymore. If we feel angry, we have to hit someone or break something. If we feel angry, we have to shout and holler. If we feel angry with someone, it means we don’t love them anymore. If someone feels angry with us, it means they don’t love us anymore. Anger is a sinful emotion. It’s okay to feel anger (or any other emotion) only when we can justify our feelings.4
As codependents, we may be frightened of our anger and other people’s anger. Maybe we believe one or more of the myths just listed. Or maybe we’re frightened of anger for other reasons. Someone may have abused us when they were angry. Some of us may have abused someone else when we felt angry. Sometimes the raw level of energy that accompanies someone’s anger can be frightening, particularly if that person is intoxicated or bigger than we are.
We have every right to feel anger. We have every right to feel as angry as we feel. So do other people. But we also have a responsibility—primarily to ourselves—to deal with our anger appropriately. We’re back to our original advice: deal with our feelings. Allow our feelings.
permission to feel angry when you need to. Give other people permission to feel angry too. Feel the emotion. Even though it’s anger, it’s only emotional energy. It’s not
right or wrong; it calls for no judgment. Anger doesn’t have to be justified or rationalized. If the energy is there, feel it. Feel any underlying emotions too, such as hurt or fear. Acknowledge the thoughts that accompany the feeling. Preferably, say these thoughts aloud. Examine the thinking that goes with the feeling. Hold it up to the light. See if there are any flaws in it. Watch for patterns and repetitive situations. You’ll learn much about yourself and your environment.
Much anger comes from unmet needs. One quick way to resolve anger is to stop screaming at the person you’re angry with, figure out what you need from them, and simply ask for that. If they won’t or can’t give it to you, figure out what you need to do next to take care of yourself.
I frequently hear codependents say, “I can’t do this or that because they will get angry.” Don’t jeopardize your safety, but strive to be free from anger’s control—your anger or anyone else’s.
Deal with guilt. Get rid of the unearned guilt. Get rid of all of it. Guilt doesn’t help. If you’ve done something inappropriate, address the guilt that’s legitimately there, figure out what you did that you don’t approve of, make any necessary amends, and move forward from there. Strive for progress.
abusing your mind. Worry and
Waiting can be very, very powerful. Time is a valuable thing. If you can wait two years, you can sometimes achieve something that you could not achieve today, however hard you worked, however much money you threw up in the air, however many times you banged your head against the wall.”4
Why are we afraid to let people know who we are? Each of us must answer that question.
can tell the truth. Lying about what we
We don’t need to fear our feelings; that reflex may be a response to the survival device we learned during childhood: don’t feel. All we need to do is acknowledge our feelings and allow ourselves to feel them.
“God, grant me the serenity / To accept the things I cannot change, / Courage to change the things I can, / And wisdom to know the difference.”
We’ve talked about some concepts that will help us do that: detachment, a non-rescuing approach to people, not controlling the objects of our attention, directness, paying attention to ourselves, and becoming undependent. I believe as we get healthier, love will be different. Love will be better, perhaps better than ever before, if we open up to and allow that.
