Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by Melody Beattie

Sometimes, we prefer to stay angry. It helps us feel less vulnerable and more powerful. It’s a protective shield. If we’re angry, we won’t feel hurt or scared, at least not noticeably so.

Believing lies, lying to ourselves (denial), chaos, stress, low self-esteem, and a stomach full of repressed emotions may cloud our ability to think.

Not listening to our needs and wants cheats us out of the information we need to make good choices.

Quit abusing your mind. Worry and obsession constitute mental abuse. Stop doing those things.

Letting people make our decisions for us means we’re getting rescued, which means we’re feeling like victims. We’re not victims.

I didn’t think about living my life; I was too focused on others. I was too busy reacting rather than acting.

Failure to follow desire, to do what you want to do most, paves the way to mediocrity.

When you surrender to your goal, the goal works itself into your subconscious mind. Your subconscious mind is always in balance. Your conscious mind is not, unless it is in tune with what your subconscious mind is thinking. Without full cooperation from the subconscious mind, a person is hesitant, confused, indecisive. Now, with your goal absorbed into your subconscious mind you react the right way automatically.

Make sure your intentions align with your values when you set goals because your intentions will manifest, too, as part of the vision.

You may not recognize the “dream” when it arrives because it doesn’t perfectly match the vision you had in your head.

If you haven’t allowed yourself to become aware of what you want, you may not recognize it when it comes along. This is an ongoing process that depends on your curiosity, your unique self, your emotions, your path through life, and your self-awareness.

Don’t limit yourself. Go for all of it: everything you want and need, all the problems you want solved, all your desires, and even some of your whims.

Do it in peace; trust the process. If it’s time to do something, you’ll know. If it’s time for something to happen, it will.

Things happen when the time is right—when we’re ready, when the universe is ready. Give up. Let go.

Remember, it’s our business to set goals only for ourselves. Review your list and make sure there aren’t goals on it that are meant for other people.

When you’re doing what’s right for you, it’s okay to say it once, simply, and then refuse to discuss anything further. —toby rice drews, Getting Them Sober

Communication isn’t mystical. The words we speak reflect who we are: what we think, judge, feel, value, honor, love, hate, fear, desire, hope for, believe in, and commit to.

Whenever our answer is no, we should start our response with the word no instead of saying “I don’t think so” or “Maybe” or some other waffling phrase.

Lying about what we think, how we feel, and what we want isn’t being polite—it’s lying.

We can’t be intimate and honest with others if we’re not intimate and honest with ourselves.

In love and dignity, speak the truth—as we think, feel, and know it—and it shall set us free.

Make a practice of pausing before you speak, text, send an email, or post something online. Are you reacting? Is it necessary to say what you’re about to say? Is it necessary to say it now? Is there a kinder or more tender way you can express yourself? We can’t do anything about whether people make amends to us, but we can control when we make amends. An “I’m sorry” can go a long way. Practice saying this when it’s appropriate.

There is no substitute for visualization. As someone once said, seeing is believing.

We keep our eyes on ourselves. We continually and regularly evaluate our behavior.

If we live with misery, crises, and turmoil long enough, the fear and stimulation caused by problems can become a comfortable emotional experience.

After a while, we can become so used to involving our emotions with problems and crises that we get and stay involved with problems that aren’t our concern. We may even start creating drama or making troubles greater than they are to stimulate ourselves. This is especially true if we have neglected our own lives and feelings.

the important idea here is to take responsibility for our expectations. Get them out into the light. Examine them. Talk about them. If they involve other people, talk to the people involved. Find out if they have similar expectations. See if they’re realistic.

If we are constantly disappointed, we may have a problem to solve—either with ourselves, another person, or a situation.

“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.”

Most people want and need love. Most people want and need to be close to people. But fear is an equally strong force, and it competes with our need for love.

For some of us, the fear of intimacy overpowers the desire for it.

Closeness wasn’t safe, taught, or allowed in our families. For many people, caretaking and chemical use became substitutes for intimacy.

Forgiving and forgetting feed our denial system. We need to think about, remember, understand, and make good decisions about what we are forgiving, what can be forgotten, and what is still a problem.

We don’t need to forgive the alcoholic, at least not initially. We need to step back so they can’t keep stomping on our toes.

We need to be gentle, loving, and forgiving with ourselves before we can expect to forgive others.

We cannot forgive someone for doing something if we haven’t fully accepted what this person has done.

Forgiveness comes in time—its own time—if we’re striving to take care of ourselves.

If we’re taking care of us, we will understand whom to forgive and when it’s time to do that.

If we don’t deal with our codependent characteristics, probabilities dictate we will continue to be attracted to and kiss frogs. Even if we deal with our characteristics, we may still lean toward frogs, but we can learn not to jump into the pond with them.