Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by Melody Beattie

Worrying and obsessing keep us so mentally entangled that we can’t solve our problems. Whenever we become attached in these ways to someone or something, we become detached from ourselves.

Out of habit, some of us may have developed an attitude of attachment—of worrying, reacting, and obsessively trying to control.

Some of us may not even be aware we’ve been holding on so tightly. We may have convinced ourselves that we have to hang on this tightly. We believe there is simply no other choice but to react to this particular problem or person in this obsessive manner.

First, let’s discuss what detachment isn’t. Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal;

Detachment is based on the premises that everyone is responsible for themselves, that we can’t solve problems that aren’t ours to solve, and that worrying doesn’t help.

We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people’s responsibilities and tending to our own responsibilities instead.

people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and...

We live our own lives to the best of our abilities. We strive to ascertain what we can change...

Detachment involves living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day. We live freely.

Judi Hollis writes of codependency detachment in her book Fat Is a Family Affair. She describes it as a “healthy neutrality.”

It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy.

Most codependents are reactionaries. We react with anger, guilt, shame, self-hate, worry, hurt, controlling gestures, caretaking acts, depression, desperation, and fury. We react with fear and anxiety.

Reacting usually doesn’t work. We react too quickly, with too much intensity and urgency. Rarely can we do our best at anything in this state of mind. The irony is that we are not called upon or required to do things in this state of mind. There is little in our lives we need to do that we cannot do better if we respond from a place of peace. Few situations—no matter how greatly they appear to demand it—can be bettered by us going berserk. Why do we do it, then?

Many of us react as though everything is a crisis because we have lived with so many crises for so long that our reactions have become habitual. We react because we think things shouldn’t be happening the way they are.

We don’t have to take other people’s behaviors as reflections of our self-worth.

We don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth.

We don’t have to take things so personally.

We don’t have to take little things personally either.

We don’t have to react. We have options. That’s another joy of recovery from codependency. And each time we exercise our right to choose how we want to act, think, feel, and behave, we feel better and stronger.

1. Learn to recognize when you’re reacting, when you’re allowing someone or something to yank your chain.

2. Make yourself comfortable. When you recognize that you’re having a chaotic reaction, say or do as little as possible until you can restore your level of serenity and peace.

3. Examine what happened. If it was a minor incident, you may be able to sort through it yourself. If you’re facing a serious problem, or if it’s seriously upsetting you, you may want to discuss it with a friend to help clear your thoughts and emotions.

4. Figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. Make your decisions based on reality, and make them from a peaceful state.

Let go and let God. —twelve step program slogan

People say codependents are controllers. We nag; lecture; scream; holler; cry; beg; bribe; coerce; hover over; protect; accuse; chase after; run away from; try to talk into;

Detach. Surrender. Sometimes when we do, the result we have been waiting and hoping for happens quickly, almost miraculously. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it never happens. But you will benefit.

We’re so careful to see that no one gets hurt. No one, that is, but ourselves. —anonymous

“Codependents are caretakers—rescuers. They rescue, then they persecute, then they end up victimized. Study the Karpman Drama Triangle,” he said.

We are the rescuers, the enablers. We are the great godparents to the entire world, as Earnie Larsen says.

I am not referring to acts of love, kindness, compassion, and true helping—situations where our assistance is legitimately wanted and needed and we want to give that assistance. These acts are the good stuff of life. Rescuing and caretaking aren’t.

Many codependents, at some time in their lives, were true victims—of someone’s abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism, or any number of situations that can victimize people.

Two codependents in a relationship can really wreak havoc on each other. Consider two people pleasers in a relationship with each other. Now consider two people pleasers in a relationship with each other when they both want out of the relationship. They will do horrid things. They’ll nearly destroy each other and themselves before one will stop rescuing and say, “I want out.”

What do you need from me?” We’ve learned to say, “Here. Let me do that for you.” Some of us learned to be caretakers when we were children. Perhaps we were almost forced to as a result of living with the family dynamics

I think caretaking perverts religious messages about giving, loving, and helping. Nowhere in the Bible are we instructed to do something for someone and then scratch their eyes out. Nowhere are we told to walk the extra mile with someone and then grab the person’s cane and beat them with it. Caring about people and giving are good, desirable qualities—something we need to do—but many codependents have misinterpreted the suggestions to “give until it hurts.” We continue giving long after it hurts, usually until we are doubled over in pain. It’s good to give, but we don’t have to give it all away. It’s okay to keep some for ourselves.

Ultimately, too much dependency on a person can kill love. Relationships based on emotional insecurity and need, rather than on love, can become self-destructive. They don’t work. Too much need smothers love. It drives people away. It attracts the wrong kind of people. And our real needs don’t get met. Our real needs become greater, and so does our despair. We center our lives around this person, trying to protect our source of security and happiness. We forfeit our lives to do this. And we become angry at this person. We’re being controlled by them. We’re dependent on them. We ultimately become angry and resentful at what we’re dependent on and controlled by because we have given our

personal power and rights—our agency—away.5

Many of us learned these things because when we were children, someone very important to us was unable to give us the love, approval, and emotional security we needed. So we’ve gone about our lives the best way we could, still looking vaguely or desperately for something we never got. Some of us are still beating our heads against the cement trying to get this love from people who, like Mom or Dad, are unable to give us what we need. The cycle repeats itself until it is interrupted and stopped. It’s called unfinished business.

We lose faith in that deep, important part of ourselves that feels appropriate feelings, senses truth, and has confidence in its ability to handle life’s situations. Pretty soon, we may believe what we are told about ourselves—

Some of us may have entered an adult relationship with our emotional security intact, only to discover we were in a relationship with a troubled person. Nothing will destroy emotional security more quickly than loving someone who has a substance abuse problem or any other compulsive disorder. These diseases demand that we center our lives around them. Confusion, chaos, and despair reign. Even the healthiest of us may begin to doubt ourselves after living with an addict. Needs go unmet. Love disappears. The needs become greater, and so does the self-doubt. Substance abuse creates emotionally insecure people. Substance abuse creates victims of us—addicts and nonaddicts alike—and we doubt our ability to take care of ourselves.

1. Finish emotional business from your childhood as best as you can. Grieve. Get some perspective. Figure out how events from childhood are affecting—even driving—what you’re doing now.

2. Nurture and cherish that frightened child inside. The child may never completely disappear, no matter how self-sufficient you become. Stress may cause the child to cry out. Unprovoked, the child may come out and demand attention when you least expect it.

3. Stop looking for happiness in other people. Our source of happiness and well-being is not inside others; it’s inside us. Learn to center yourself in yourself.

4. Learn to depend on yourself. Maybe other people haven’t been there for you, but you can start being there for you.

We don’t have to punish ourselves by feeling guilty. If we have real guilt, there are constructive ways to deal with it. First, we need to see and accept the guilt. We need to be clear about whether we violated our own moral code. We need to accept, acknowledge, and then change. Do the work recommended by the Fourth and Fifth Steps (see chapter 18). Making amends can do wonders for relieving and resolving the heavy load of guilt.

Codependents never know what to expect, particularly if we’re in a close relationship with a person with a serious problem or compulsive disorder. We’re bombarded by problems, losses, and change. We endure shattered windows, missed appointments, broken promises, and outright lies. We lose financial security, emotional security, faith in the people we love, faith in religion, and faith in ourselves. We may lose our physical well-being, our material goods, our ability to enjoy intimacy, our reputations, social lives, careers, self-control, self-esteem—ourselves.

Codependents are often oppressed, depressed, and repressed. Many of us can quickly tell what someone else is feeling, why that person is feeling that way, how long they’ve felt that way, and what that person is probably going to do because of that feeling.

Yes, You Can Think For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. —2 timothy 1:7, king james version What do you think I should do?” a client, who was in the throes of codependency, once asked me. The woman was facing a significant decision regarding her husband and children. “What do you think?” I asked. “You’re asking me?” she asked.

1. “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

If this Step sounds like giving up, that’s because it is. It’s where we surrender to the truth.

2. “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” If the First Step left us despairing, this Step will bring hope.