Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by Melody Beattie

A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is obsessed with controlling that other person’s behavior.

You are not responsible for making other people “see the light,” and you do not need to “set them straight.” You are responsible for helping yourself see the light and for setting yourself straight.

The only person you can now or ever change is yourself. The only person who it is your business to control is you.

Self-care is an attitude of mutual respect. It means learning to live our lives responsibly. It means allowing others to live their lives as they choose, as long as they don’t interfere with our decision to live as we choose. Taking care of ourselves is not as selfish as some people assume it is, but neither is it as selfless as many believe.

As we learn how to care for and meet our own needs, we forgive ourselves when we make mistakes, and we congratulate ourselves when we do well.

Some of us may not even be aware of our low self-esteem and self-hatred because we’ve been comparing ourselves to the crazy people in our lives; by comparison, we come out on top.

It doesn’t matter when we began torturing ourselves. We must stop now. We are okay. It’s wonderful to be who we are. Our thoughts are okay. Our feelings are appropriate. We’re right where we’re supposed to be today, in this moment. There is nothing wrong with us. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with us. If we’ve done wrongs, that’s okay; we were doing the best we could.

We can cherish ourselves and our lives. We can nurture and love ourselves. We can accept our wonderful selves, with all our faults, foibles, strengths, feelings, thoughts, and everything else. We are the best things we’ve got going for us. We are who we are and who we were meant to be. And we are not mistakes. We are the greatest things that will ever happen to us. Believe it. It makes life much easier.

We are lovable, and we are worth getting to know. People who love and like us aren’t stupid or inferior for doing that. We have a right to be happy. We deserve good things.

I’m here to say we are fit for reality. Relax. Wherever we need to go and whatever we need to do, we’re appropriate for that situation. We’ll do fine. It’s okay to be who we are. Who or what else can we be? We just have to do our best at whatever we’re called to do. What more can we do? Sometimes, we can’t even do our best; that’s okay too. We may have feelings, thoughts, fears, and vulnerabilities as we go through life, but all people do. We need to stop telling ourselves we’re different for doing and feeling what everyone else does.

Fun is taking time to celebrate being alive.

Suffering can become habitual, but so can enjoying life and being good to ourselves.

You can spoil your fun, your day, your life—that’s your business—but I won’t let you spoil my fun, my day, or my life.

job to be a human lie detector and ensure everyone is telling us the whole truth each time they speak. Our job is to not deceive ourselves or others.

Take the superpowers you learned from the hard stuff; enjoy the love you give and receive along the way.