Ejaculate Responsibly: A Whole New Way to Think About Abortion

by Gabrielle Stanley Blair

We’ve put the burden of pregnancy prevention on the person who is fertile for 24 hours a month, instead of the person who is fertile 24 hours a day, every day of their life.

Once we recognize this disparity in fertility, it becomes crystal clear that pregnancy and abortion are not “a woman’s issue.” Men don’t play a minor or supporting role in pregnancy. Men’s lifelong continual fertility is the central driving force behind all unwanted pregnancies.

At the same time, we ignore the fact of men’s fertility. We don’t track men’s fertility at all. There are no apps for that. No over-the-counter tests at the pharmacy. Because there’s no need; we already know when men are fertile. Men are fertile all day, every day.

We treat ejaculation as something that happens at random, that is unintentional, that is impossible to anticipate or predict. And we treat ovulation like it can be pinpointed well in advance and easily predicted. Somehow, we’ve confused the two.

Women cannot control when they are fertile. Women cannot choose when ovulation begins or ends. Women cannot control the movement of their egg. During sex, women cannot remove their egg from their body and place it in someone else’s body.

Men can control when they ejaculate. Men can control how often they ejaculate. Men can actively choose to remove sperm from their own body and place it into someone else’s body.

Ovulation and implantation are involuntary processes. Ovulation happens whether or not there is sex. Ovulation happens approximately monthly without resulting in pregnancy. Ovulation only leads to pregnancy when a man chooses to ejaculate and add his sperm.

Ovulation is involuntary. Ejaculation is voluntary.

Then, in June 2022, following the overturning of Roe v. Wade, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas signaled that Griswold v. Connecticut, the case legalizing the use of contraception by married couples, could be up for reversal as well.

Men, consider what your girlfriend/wife/partner is doing for you. She’s fertile 3 percent of the time and addressing her fertility 100 percent of the time, whether she has sex or not.

As proof that women are steadfastly determined to be responsible about birth control, despite expense, inconvenience, daily hassle, maintenance, and side effects, consider that a whopping 90 percent of the $8 billion birth control market is made up of birth control options purchased by women.

A great reminder that most everything about birth control is overly complicated and difficult, and men in power are largely responsible for these complications.

Men have two options for birth control: condoms and vasectomies. Both are easier, cheaper, more convenient, and safer than birth control options for women.

Condoms are affordable.

Condoms are convenient.

Condoms come in lots of varieties.

Condoms make cleanup super easy.

Condoms are only used as needed.

And finally, condoms work.

What condoms don’t have is a list of side effects. They don’t cause depression, mood swings, blood clots, liver failure, weight gain, acne, strokes, or anything else on the list of side effects for hormonal birth control.

Not a fan of condoms? Men also have the option of getting a vasectomy. Vasectomies are safe, effective, and highly reversible.

The Stanford Medical Center reports that, depending on the type of technique used, their vasectomy reversal success rate is 95 percent and makes clear that the length of time between the vasectomy and the reversal doesn’t affect that success.

The International Center for Vasectomy Reversal in Arizona, says, “Our experts can achieve a proven, published success as high as 99.5%.” As far as vasectomy reversals go, we’re clearly on a positive trajectory.

Of course, if reversal success is a worry, men can always bank their sperm before the vasectomy.

Birth control options for men are very effective plus vastly easier, safer, more convenient, more accessible, and more affordable than birth control options for women. Given this, the expectation ought to be that a man uses a condom every time he has sex. And if a man is deeply condom-averse, it should be an absolute given that he would get a vasectomy.

We expect women to use their birth control perfectly, to remember to take the Pill daily, to keep up with doctor’s appointments and prescriptions. Why shouldn’t we expect men to use their birth control methods perfectly as well?

When condoms are not used correctly, they are not as effective. That brings up the question: Is it fair to expect men to use condoms correctly? The answer is a strong yes. If women are expected to learn how to use their complicated birth control correctly, we can expect the same thing from men regarding their much-easier-to-use option.

Why this preference? Because we’ve been told (in books, in movies, in memes) that it doesn’t feel as good as sex without a condom. (Meaning it doesn’t feel as good for men. What it feels like for their partner doesn’t really enter into the discussion.)

On June 25, 2022, a designer who goes by @studio lemaine tweeted: “It is very difficult and emotional to read ‘no one is forcing you to have unprotected sex’ when men do. All the time. Boyfriends and partners and abusers—the whole spectrum. Men pressure us for unprotected sex all the time.”

Men are concerned that they won’t be able to “perform” after a vasectomy, that they’ll be less virile. Because of this, in the United States, only 9 percent of men who are sexually active get vasectomies (but 27 percent of women who are sexually active get tubal ligations).

Doctors and healthcare providers agree tubals are more invasive, riskier, and more complicated than vasectomies.

An additional point: there has never been a documented death from a vasectomy. However, many women have died from anesthetic or surgical complications from a tubal ligation.

It’s not just that it’s riskier than a vasectomy. Tubal ligations are routinely denied to women who are under thirty-five or who don’t have kids. And not for the reasons outlined above, but because we have a paternalistic medical system that believes women aren’t capable of making decisions about their own bodies. In fact, though it’s not a legal requirement, it’s also not uncommon for a doctor to require a woman to get the signature of her husband before they are willing to perform a tubal ligation.

The US contraceptive market size was valued at around $8 billion. Of the dozens of contraceptive products, approximately 90 percent of them are created for women, purchased by women, and used by women. That includes women purchasing more than 30 percent of male condoms.

That story perfectly captures an unspoken cultural maxim: We don’t mind if women suffer, as long as it makes things easier for men.

When men choose to have condom-less sex, they are putting a woman’s body, health, social status, job, economic status, relationships, and even her life, at risk in order to experience a few minutes of slightly more pleasure. It’s horrible to type it out. It gives me a stomachache just thinking about it. Would men really choose a few moments of slightly more pleasure over risking a woman’s whole life? Yes. Yes they would.

When masturbating, 95 percent of women orgasm. In first-time hookups with other women, they orgasm 64 percent of the time. But in first-time hookups with men, they orgasm only 7 percent of the time. So we know that when we ignore the experience of women’s pleasure during sex, the problem isn’t women’s ability to orgasm.

A woman experiencing pleasure and orgasm has never caused a pregnancy.

Because 99 percent of abortions are the direct result of unwanted pregnancy. And we need to understand very clearly that women enjoying sex does not cause unwanted pregnancies and abortion. What causes unwanted pregnancies and abortion? Men enjoying sex and having irresponsible ejaculations.

Men cause all unwanted pregnancies.

men have substantial control over where and when their sperm are released, while women have zero control over their eggs.

Unlike women and their eggs, men can mobilize and direct sperm to leave their body. That is what an ejaculation is. It’s men choosing to direct sperm from their body and put it someplace else.

Ultimately only the man decides where his sperm ends up. Only he can choose what to do with his sperm and where it goes.

We know this is true because if she “let” him put his penis in a waffle iron, he wouldn’t. If someone tells you to do an irresponsible thing, and you choose to do that irresponsible thing, that’s on you.

Is it irresponsible if a woman agrees to have sex without a condom? Or if she suggests sex without a condom? Yes, it is. A woman suggesting sex without a condom is acting irresponsibly. I wish she wouldn’t do that. And yet, her body can’t cause a pregnancy. No matter how much sex she has, her orgasms cannot cause a pregnancy.

If a man chooses unprotected sex and puts his sperm in a woman’s vagina, not only is he, too, being irresponsible, but in his case, his body can cause a pregnancy via his orgasm and sperm.

A man’s sperm can cause a huge amount of damage.

We could say that everyone should keep condoms stocked, just in case. It’s simply good manners. In the same way I hope that men keep menstruation products on hand in their home even if no one with a period lives there.

Golden.

If a man can easily prevent unwanted pregnancies by controlling his own actions, but he’s only interested in preventing unwanted pregnancies if women are controlling the actions, it seems like he’s much more interested in controlling women than he is in reducing unwanted pregnancies.

I’m not taking responsibility away from women, I’m just reminding men of theirs.