The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness

by Robert Waldinger

For eighty-four years (and counting), the Harvard Study has tracked the same individuals, asking thousands of questions and taking hundreds of measurements to find out what really keeps people healthy and happy. Through all the years of studying these lives, one crucial factor stands out for the consistency and power of its ties to physical health, mental health, and longevity. Contrary to what many people might think, it’s not career achievement, or exercise, or a healthy diet. Don’t get us wrong; these things matter (a lot). But one thing continuously demonstrates its broad and enduring importance: Good relationships.

For eighty-four years (and counting), the Harvard Study has tracked the same individuals, asking thousands of questions and taking hundreds of measurements to find out what really keeps people healthy and happy. Through all the years of studying these lives, one crucial factor stands out for the consistency and power of its ties to physical health, mental health, and longevity. Contrary to what many people might think, it’s not career achievement, or exercise, or a healthy diet. Don’t get us wrong; these things matter (a lot). But one thing continuously demonstrates its broad and enduring importance: Good relationships.

one hard truth that we would all do well to accept is that people are terrible at knowing what is good for them.

one hard truth that we would all do well to accept is that people are terrible at knowing what is good for them.

your ways of being in the world are not set in stone. It’s more like they are set in sand. Your childhood is not your fate. Your natural disposition is not your fate. The neighborhood you grew up in is not your fate. The research shows this clearly. Nothing that has happened in your life precludes you from connecting with others, from thriving, or from being happy. People often think that once you get to adulthood, that’s it—your life and your way of living are set. But what we find by looking at the entirety of research into adult development is that this just isn’t true. Meaningful change is possible.

your ways of being in the world are not set in stone. It’s more like they are set in sand. Your childhood is not your fate. Your natural disposition is not your fate. The neighborhood you grew up in is not your fate. The research shows this clearly. Nothing that has happened in your life precludes you from connecting with others, from thriving, or from being happy. People often think that once you get to adulthood, that’s it—your life and your way of living are set. But what we find by looking at the entirety of research into adult development is that this just isn’t true. Meaningful change is possible.

The number of people you know does not necessarily determine your experience of connectedness or loneliness. Neither do your living arrangements or your marital status. You can be lonely in a crowd, and you can be lonely in a marriage. In fact, we know that high-conflict marriages with little affection can be worse for health than getting divorced. Instead, it is the quality of your relationships that matters. Simply put, living in the midst of warm relationships is protective of both mind and body.

The number of people you know does not necessarily determine your experience of connectedness or loneliness. Neither do your living arrangements or your marital status. You can be lonely in a crowd, and you can be lonely in a marriage. In fact, we know that high-conflict marriages with little affection can be worse for health than getting divorced. Instead, it is the quality of your relationships that matters. Simply put, living in the midst of warm relationships is protective of both mind and body.

Even though our technologies and cultures continue to change—more rapidly now than ever before—fundamental aspects of the human experience endure. When Aristotle developed the idea of eudaimonia, he was drawing on his observations of the world, yes, but also on his own feelings; the same feelings we experience today. When Lao Tzu said more than twenty-four centuries ago “The more you give to others, the greater your abundance” he was noting a paradox that is still with us. They were living at a different time, but their world is still our world. Their wisdom is our inheritance, and we should take advantage of it.

Even though our technologies and cultures continue to change—more rapidly now than ever before—fundamental aspects of the human experience endure. When Aristotle developed the idea of eudaimonia, he was drawing on his observations of the world, yes, but also on his own feelings; the same feelings we experience today. When Lao Tzu said more than twenty-four centuries ago “The more you give to others, the greater your abundance” he was noting a paradox that is still with us. They were living at a different time, but their world is still our world. Their wisdom is our inheritance, and we should take advantage of it.

With a few exceptions, science has not been much interested in the ancients, or in received wisdom. Striking out on its own path after the Enlightenment, science has been like the young hero on a quest for knowledge and truth. It may have taken hundreds of years, but in the area of human well-being, we are now approaching a full circle. Scientific knowledge is finally catching up to the ancient wisdom that has survived the test of time.

With a few exceptions, science has not been much interested in the ancients, or in received wisdom. Striking out on its own path after the Enlightenment, science has been like the young hero on a quest for knowledge and truth. It may have taken hundreds of years, but in the area of human well-being, we are now approaching a full circle. Scientific knowledge is finally catching up to the ancient wisdom that has survived the test of time.

The good life is not always just out of reach after all. It is not waiting in the distant future after a dreamy career success. It’s not set to kick in after you acquire some massive amount of money. The good life is right in front of you, sometimes only an arm’s length away. And it starts now.

The good life is not always just out of reach after all. It is not waiting in the distant future after a dreamy career success. It’s not set to kick in after you acquire some massive amount of money. The good life is right in front of you, sometimes only an arm’s length away. And it starts now.

To say that human beings require warm relationships is no touchy-feely idea. It is a hard fact. Scientific studies have told us again and again: human beings need nutrition, we need exercise, we need purpose, and we need each other.

To say that human beings require warm relationships is no touchy-feely idea. It is a hard fact. Scientific studies have told us again and again: human beings need nutrition, we need exercise, we need purpose, and we need each other.

the good life may be a central concern for most people, but it is not the central concern of most modern societies. Life today is a haze of competing social, political, and cultural priorities, some of which have very little to do with improving people’s lives. The modern world prioritizes many things ahead of the lived experience of human beings.

the good life may be a central concern for most people, but it is not the central concern of most modern societies. Life today is a haze of competing social, political, and cultural priorities, some of which have very little to do with improving people’s lives. The modern world prioritizes many things ahead of the lived experience of human beings.

our brains, the most sophisticated and mysterious system in the known universe, often mislead us in our quest for lasting pleasure and satisfaction. We may be capable of extraordinary feats of intellect and creativity, we may have mapped the human genome and walked on the moon, but when it comes to making decisions about our lives, we humans are often bad at knowing what is good for us. Common sense in this area of life is not so sensible. It’s very difficult to figure out what really matters.

our brains, the most sophisticated and mysterious system in the known universe, often mislead us in our quest for lasting pleasure and satisfaction. We may be capable of extraordinary feats of intellect and creativity, we may have mapped the human genome and walked on the moon, but when it comes to making decisions about our lives, we humans are often bad at knowing what is good for us. Common sense in this area of life is not so sensible. It’s very difficult to figure out what really matters.

when one of Harvard’s researchers interviewed Leo in middle age, she wrote, “I came away from our visit with the impression that the subject was, well… somewhat ordinary.” However, by his own accounting of things, Leo lived a rich and satisfying life. He wouldn’t show up on the evening news and his name was not known beyond his local community, but he had four daughters and a wife who adored him, was remembered fondly by friends, colleagues, and students, and throughout his life rated himself as “very happy” or “extremely happy” on study questionnaires. Unlike John, Leo found his work meaningful specifically because he took pleasure in the benefit that other people derived from his teaching.

when one of Harvard’s researchers interviewed Leo in middle age, she wrote, “I came away from our visit with the impression that the subject was, well… somewhat ordinary.” However, by his own accounting of things, Leo lived a rich and satisfying life. He wouldn’t show up on the evening news and his name was not known beyond his local community, but he had four daughters and a wife who adored him, was remembered fondly by friends, colleagues, and students, and throughout his life rated himself as “very happy” or “extremely happy” on study questionnaires. Unlike John, Leo found his work meaningful specifically because he took pleasure in the benefit that other people derived from his teaching.

We seem particularly bad at forecasting the benefits of relationships. A big part of this is the obvious fact that relationships can be messy and unpredictable. This messiness is some of what prompts many of us to prefer being alone. It’s not just that we are seeking solitude; it’s that we want to avoid the potential mess of connecting with others. But we overestimate that mess and underestimate the beneficial effects of human connection. This is a feature of our decision making in general: we pay a lot of attention to potential costs and downplay or dismiss potential benefits.

We seem particularly bad at forecasting the benefits of relationships. A big part of this is the obvious fact that relationships can be messy and unpredictable. This messiness is some of what prompts many of us to prefer being alone. It’s not just that we are seeking solitude; it’s that we want to avoid the potential mess of connecting with others. But we overestimate that mess and underestimate the beneficial effects of human connection. This is a feature of our decision making in general: we pay a lot of attention to potential costs and downplay or dismiss potential benefits.

Every culture—from the broad culture of a nation down to the culture inside a family—is at least partially invisible to its participants. There are important assumptions, value judgments, and practices that create the water we swim in without our noticing or agreeing to them. We simply find ourselves in this world, and we move forward. These features of culture affect just about everything in our lives, often in positive ways, connecting us to each other and creating identities and meaning. But there is a flip side. Sometimes cultural messages and practices point us in directions away from well-being and happiness.

Every culture—from the broad culture of a nation down to the culture inside a family—is at least partially invisible to its participants. There are important assumptions, value judgments, and practices that create the water we swim in without our noticing or agreeing to them. We simply find ourselves in this world, and we move forward. These features of culture affect just about everything in our lives, often in positive ways, connecting us to each other and creating identities and meaning. But there is a flip side. Sometimes cultural messages and practices point us in directions away from well-being and happiness.

money matters most at lower levels of income where a dollar, euro, rupee, or yuan is used to provide basic needs and a sense of security. Once you get beyond that threshold, money does not seem to matter much, if at all, when it comes to happiness. As Deaton and Kahneman wrote in their study, “More money does not necessarily buy more happiness, but less money is associated with emotional pain.”

Research has shown that the more we compare ourselves to others—even when the comparison is in our favor—the less happy we are.

people who were more socially connected had less risk of dying at any age. Whether you were a Black woman in rural Georgia or a White man in Finland, the more connected you were to others, the lower your risk of dying in any given year. This consistency of findings across different locations and demographic groups is what scientists call “replication,” the holy grail of research,

across all age groups, genders, and ethnicities, strong social connections were associated with increased odds of living longer. In fact, Holt-Lunstad and her colleagues quantified the association: incredibly, social connection increased the likelihood of surviving in any given year by more than 50 percent.

analyses of hundreds of studies tell us that the basic benefits of human connection do not change much from one neighborhood to the next, from one city to the next, from one country to the next, or from one race to the next. It is indisputable that many societies are unequal; there are cultural practices and systemic factors causing significant amounts of inequity and emotional pain. But the capacity of relationships to affect our well-being and health is universal.

Our actions and the choices we make account for about 40 percent of our happiness. That’s a sizable chunk that is still within our control. These findings reveal one of the most essential and hopeful truths about human beings: we are adaptable. We are resilient, industrious, and creative creatures who can survive incredible hardship, laugh our way through tough times, and come out stronger on the other end.

Our emotional well-being cannot improve into infinity. We settle in. We tend to take things for granted. This is a key point in the discussion about money. You might believe that making six figures or landing a new job or upgrading from your old Honda will make you happy, but in short order you will have gotten used to that situation, too, and your brain will move on to the next challenge, the next desire. Not even lottery winners can remain euphoric forever.

we meet all experiences, positive and negative, on the same psychological and neurological playing field in our brain. Here the science dovetails with a central tenet of Stoicism and Buddhism, as well as many other spiritual traditions: the way we feel in life is determined only in part by what happens around us, and to a great extent by what happens inside of us.

there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talked about in the great outside world of winning and achieving and displaying. The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day.

Relationships are not just essential as stepping-stones to other things, and they are not simply a functional route to health and happiness. They are ends in themselves.

Other people will always be somewhat elusive and mysterious, and that keeps relationships interesting and worthy of close attention regardless of their immediate utility. “Love by its very nature,” the philosopher Hannah Arendt wrote, “is unworldly.”

The lives in the Harvard Study and many other studies tell us that every life takes twists and turns and that the choices we make matter. These lives are evidence that rich possibilities to improve emotional wellbeing are available at every stage and in every situation of life.

Our perception is that we are like an unchanging rock in a stream as the world flows around us. But that perception is mistaken. We are forever changing from what we are into what we will be.

becoming a parent, and being responsible for a tiny human being, has a way of making most of us ready. It pushes us. Somehow we live up to what we have to do, relationship by relationship, stage by stage, and in the process, we change. We grow.

Richard Bromfield captured the feeling of loving a teenager well when he described the “tightropes” that they string for their parents and the people around them. A teenager needs us to: Hold but don’t baby; admire but don’t embarrass; guide but don’t control; release but don’t abandon.

when we look at a person in middle age who has steady work, a routine, a partner and a family, we often think, This person really has it together, they’re in control. Middle-aged adults often look at their peers this way. But the struggles of midlife aren’t always visible for others to see.

The fewer moments we have to look forward to in life, the more valuable they become. Past grievances and preoccupations often dissipate, and what’s left is what we have before us. The beauty of a snowy day; the pride we have in our children or in the work we’ve done; the relationships we cherish. Despite the perception that old people are grumpy and cantankerous, research has shown that human beings are never so happy as in the late years of their lives. We get better at maximizing highs and minimizing lows. We feel less hassled by the little things that go wrong, and we are better at knowing when something is important and when it’s not. The value of positive experiences far outweighs the cost of negative experiences, and we prioritize things that bring us joy. In short, we’re emotionally wiser, and that wisdom helps us thrive. But there are still things to learn, still some development ahead, and our relationships are the key to maximizing the joys of late life.

the unexpected is perfectly ordinary. Chance encounters and unforeseen events are a big reason why an individual’s life can never be completely understood by any “system” of life stages. An individual life is an improvisation in which circumstances and chance help determine the trajectory. While there are common patterns in life, it would be impossible for any person to make it from the beginning to the end of life without an unplanned event sending them in a new direction. There is even some research that suggests that it’s these unexpected turns, and not any plan, that most define a person’s life and can lead to periods of growth. One wrench thrown into the machine can be more significant than all the gears of planned action combined.

The only thing we can expect is that the unexpected—and how we respond to it—will change the course of our lives. In the words of a Yiddish proverb, Der mentsh trakht, un Got lakht. Man plans, and God laughs.

Stepping back now and then to take a wider view, to place ourselves and the people we care about into the context of a longer life, is a great way to inject empathy and understanding into our relationships. Some of the frustrations we have with each other can be avoided, and deeper connections made, by remembering that our views of life depend on where we stand in the life cycle. In the end it’s about gaining some perspective on the roads we’ve taken, and the roads still to come, so that we can help each other anticipate and prepare for the hard curves ahead. And as the old Turkish proverb says, No road is long with good company.

A sad soul can kill you quicker, far quicker, than a germ. John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley

we tend to think that once we establish friendships and intimate relationships, they will take care of themselves. But like muscles, neglected relationships atrophy. Our social life is a living system. And it needs exercise.

Recent research has shown that for older people loneliness is twice as unhealthy as obesity, and chronic loneliness increases a person’s odds of death in any given year by 26 percent.

Our basic relationship needs are not complicated. We need love, connection, and a feeling of belonging. But we now live in complicated social environments, so how we meet those needs is the challenge.