You Could Make This Place Beautiful

by Maggie Smith

I could make staying more livable. Maybe I could quiet my mind by allowing my body to be loud, present, in the foreground for once.

I went dancing late at night with my friend Dawn—to live in my body instead of my head, I said. We’d sweat and laugh for hours, then stumble outside

me and kadence

Under all comedy is tragedy.

hi shakespeare

I had romanticized the idea of train travel for a hundred reasons,

realest ever. me and priya and andrew and roman asf

I looked toward what was behind us, what we were leaving.

its hard not to find everything poetic

I’m in the in-between—not where I was, not where I’m going.

and I was me, regardless.

needing the Sufjan Stevens and Bon Iver

need maggie smith to drop her playlst asap omg

a vision board workshop.

me and priyas girls night

the Big Bang—not a single event with an aftermath, but something set in motion—a spillage, an overflowing, an expansion.

I remember thinking, What now? What do I have now? What do I have to hold on to? When I looked down, I saw the pen in my hand.

I think I responded with a laugh-cry emoji.

i forgive you for this lwk correct but millenial use of that emoji

I had to make something from them, so I did. I wrote.

The year I decided not to be small.

so much sweetness. I was not alone.

I’d been insisting on joy, clawing my way back to it,

I loosened my white-knuckled grip on my life and instead of feeling panicked, I found myself being more playful, more spontaneous,

#need

I went to find beauty, and it was still there. I go looking for it, and it’s there.

a woman coming home to herself.”

I wanted to whittle my hurt down to something manageable—fun

I wrote it from inside the blue part of a flame,

I’m wishing hard for peace in every superstitious way.

I would need the real thing—a place to put all of it, so the people I loved best wouldn’t be constantly subjected to the worst of me.

yikes someone tell this to high school me

Why didn’t I show her my hands, the heft of what I was carrying?

I could hear the clock of his heart right under my ear. If there’s a better way to keep time, I don’t know it.

this moment isn’t for you.

i love this book but this "im not telling!!!" routine is a bit tiring

I carried it inside me like a small, sharp thing that cut me when I moved wrong.

“I love you more than the moon and the sun.”

I have bitten the insides of my cheeks bloody to avoid answering plainly.

As if you have to break someone’s heart to make them strong.

you don’t get to take credit for someone’s growth if they grow as a result of what you put them through.

!!!!!!!!!!

“Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.”

In all these places, I loved that person. I loved him. Where does that go?

im in pain

The love is in all of these places—haunting?—and in none of them. The love is everywhere and nowhere.

she never fails to make my heart break

Neil

AYYYY NEIL

We wrote our wedding vows together on the front porch.

:( this chapter

so much shared history we carry separately now.

I’m letting time work its magic. The house is not so haunted.

I’ve tried to love you the right way. I’ve tried to love them as if there is a right way.

The love? It’s not work.

Hoping this is in the cards for me

What tenderness might be alive in them?

All wax and feathers, a mess of hope.

you can tell shes a poet

I want to forgive, but first I need to feel everything that stands between me and forgiveness.

I’ve wished for peace over and over again, and I’ve sought it in both expected and unexpected places.

The thing about this life: If we knew nothing of what was missing, what has been removed, it would look full and beautiful.

The vows are unspoken, but they hover in the air around us, moving around and in and through everything we say and do. I will always be here for you. I will protect you. I will make sacrifices for you. I am yours, always.

I handed her some of what I’d been carrying.

I feel so full of the life I had before—the life I have already lived—how is there room for anything new?

It’s okay to show up as your whole self, to come as you are.

okay samia!!!

Sometimes I need to hear the same thing in different words from different people, different sources, before I really hear