I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

by Baek Se-hee

Finally, I wish to leave you with some words that I find myself returning to whenever I feel myself growing weak. They are from an overseas reader of unknown gender, nationality, or appearance (I’ve never met them), and they are also words I wish to say to you, the people reading this book. I love and cherish your story. And I am your friend. Baek Sehee

Prologue ‘If you want to be happy, you mustn’t fear the following truths but confront them head-on: one, that we are always unhappy, and that our sadness, suffering and fear have good reasons for existing. Two, that there is no real way to separate these feelings completely from ourselves.’ – Une Parfaite Journée Parfaite by Martin Page

dysthymia, or persistent depressive disorder (a state of constant,

light depression).

I wonder about others like me, who seem totally fine on the outside

but are rotting on the inside, where the rot is this vague state of being not-fine and not-devastated at the same time.

art is about moving hearts and minds. Art has given me faith:

I’ve also realised that revealing my darkness is just as natural a thing to do as revealing my light.

It’s like you’re running inside a hamster wheel. You try to get out of your depression through your efforts but fail, and this continuing cycle of trying and failing feeds back into the original depression.

Sometimes the best thing to do with people who would never listen to you in the first place is to avoid them altogether. To right

every wrong you come across in the world would be an impossible endeavour for any one person. You’re just one person, and you’re putting too much of the weight of the world on yourself.

For example, think of a person you admire and imagine what they would do in such a situation. Wouldn’t they be angry as well?

I think you tend to focus too much on your ideals and pressure yourself by thinking, I have to be this kind of person! Even when those ideals are, in fact, taken from someone else and not from your own thoughts and experiences.

The moment you set out to be more empathic is the moment it becomes a chore. That would result in your empathy decreasing, if anything. It’s good not to fake interest in things you’re not interested in.

dysthymia, or persistent depressive disorder?

You have this superego that exerts control over you, a superego built not only from your own experiences but cobbled together from all sorts of things that you admire, creating an idealised version of yourself. But that idealised version of yourself is, in the end, only an ideal. It’s not who you actually are. You keep

failing to meet that ideal in the real world, and then you punish yourself.

It’s natural for these contradictory feelings to coexist.

Extremes tend to connect. For example, people who appear arrogant tend to have low self-esteem.

The Hedgehog’s Dilemma ‘Extremes tend to connect. For example, people who appear arrogant tend to have low self-esteem. They keep trying to get others to look up to them.’

The contradictory state of longing for intimacy but also wanting to keep others at arm’s length is called the hedgehog’s dilemma.

They say it’s because I have strong co-dependent tendencies. I feel stability when I depend on someone...

The important question is not whether this is the right or wrong way to live, but whether it’s healthy for me to live like this.

I’m needlessly harsh towards myself, so I need comforting, someone who is on my side.

I’m very good at immersing myself emotionally, and I’m very empathic; I also feel pressured to be empathic, which means whenever someone would share an experience with me, I’d find myself lying and saying I’d been through the same thing.

If you grow enough self-esteem. When that happens, you may find you’re no longer interested in aspiring to perfection or chasing some ideal.

I feel like I have a craven desire for attention. I want people to think I’m special, and this leads me to lie. When

I tell a story, I tend to exaggerate

We often lie when our cognitive abilities become impaired for whatever reason. Like when we’re drunk, for instance. You know how our memory

or judgement falters after a few drinks, right? We subconsciously start lying to fill in the blanks. How many times have you seen drunk people insist they’re not drunk? We also find ourselves announcing things that have nothing to do with the context.

Alcohol and drugs bring about disinhibition, which is why so many compulsive behaviours surface when we’re under the influence, and we end up doing things we would normally stop ourselves from doing.

If you have unrealistically high standards, you will forever be creating reasons to see yourself as inadequate, as someone who needs endless improvement.

Why are you so aware of all the hardships others are going through?

You have to make an effort to know yourself. You can’t not make that effort and keep thinking, Why am I like this?

I feel like you’re not very interested in yourself.

Which is why you shouldn’t torture yourself with questions like,

Why can’t I be happy with what I have?

Try to enjoy the present. Right now, you seem grateful and yet worried about the future at the same time.

Well, this is the way I am, and what can you do about it, you’ll feel much freer.

‘When you’re having a hard time, it’s natural to feel like you’re having the hardest time in the world. And it’s not selfish to feel that way.’

I’ve suffered from eczema since birth.

Nothing frightens me more than the thought of someone mocking me while I suffer in pain.

Forgetfulness can be liberating, you know. It must be exhausting doing what you do.

I think you should start allowing yourself to forget and let go of things that have already happened.

You put a lot of stock in what other people think. It’s because your satisfaction with yourself is so low.

Your high school grades do not determine the rest of your life.

When you feel like someone seems superior to you, you

should try applying those standards to someone with different circumstances.

It’s a question of whether ‘everything you ever wanted’ was ever what you really wanted in the first place.

What matters isn’t what people say but what you like and find joy in. I hope you focus less on how you look to other people and more on fulfilling your true desires.