I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

by Baek Se-hee

I wasn’t deathly depressed, but I wasn’t happy either, floating instead in some feeling between the two.

I wonder about others like me, who seem totally fine on the outside but are rotting on the inside, where the rot is this vague state of being not-fine and not-devastated at the same time.

The contradictory state of longing for intimacy but also wanting to keep others at arm’s length is called the hedgehog’s dilemma.

When you’re having a hard time, it’s natural to feel like you’re having the hardest time in the world. And it’s not selfish to feel that way. Just because certain conditions in your life are relatively better, it doesn’t mean you’re better off in general. Take jobs or schools. It’s great when you get into a good company or university, but once you settle in, the complaints begin. Do you think it would be possible to think, This place is perfect! from the beginning of any experience to the end? Other people might envy you, but that doesn’t mean you yourself will automatically be satisfied with your lot. Which is why you shouldn’t torture yourself with questions like, Why can’t I be happy with what I have?

I believe that the more I look into this strange being, myself, the more routes I will find to happiness.

There are usually two ways it manifests. One type might, in order to be more attractive, wear more revealing clothing or build muscle. The other, if they fail to be the centre of attention, tends to assume it’s because people hate them and they berate themselves for it.

oh, no

Everyone wants to be a star.

5sos mentioned??

Because the human heart, even when it wants to die, quite often wants at the same time to eat some tteokbokki, too.

I can do well today, or not. It’ll be an experience either way. And that’s fine.