I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

by Baek Se-hee

I’d like you not to give too much credit to what people say about you. The moment you set out to be more empathic is the moment it becomes a chore.

Because there’s really no end to worrying once you set your mind to it.

From ‘How sad they didn’t realise this’ to ‘How lucky it is that I realise this.’ In the past, you didn’t know how to label your symptoms, but now you know. That’s a reason for relief, not for more suffering. Me: That’s incredible . . . What’s the reason for these dual emotions?

The contradictory state of longing for intimacy but also wanting to keep others at arm’s length is called the hedgehog’s dilemma.

Why are you so aware of all the hardships others are going through? Me: (Realisation hits.) You’re right. Wouldn’t it be more natural for me not to know? Psychiatrist: So, complain. Let others know how hard things are for you. Me: I wouldn’t know what to say.

They say that when we get too hurt we try to forget our wounds instead of healing them, and this must be what happened to me as well. Because I couldn’t remember what I was describing in the email at all.

If twenty-year-old me met me today, she would cry with joy. And that’s enough for me.

think when you look at as many sides of a person as possible, you stop disliking them. I’ve

When we’re sinking in water, it can be a relief to feel the ground beneath our feet, the rock bottom, because we know we can kick against it to rise again. But if you can’t feel the ground in life, the fear can be overwhelming. So maybe it’s good to find your rock bottom.

was perfectly capable of looking at the other side of the coin, but the coin just happens to be a little heavy, that’s all.

I want to be the kind of person who can walk inside the vast darkness and find the one fragment of sunlight I can linger in for a long time. Some day, I will.

Sometimes, when someone tells me to ‘Cheer up’ when I’m going through a tough time, I just want to wring their neck. Just be there to hold my hand, be sad or angry with me, or if you’ve gone through something similar, tell me about it and say it will all pass eventually. That’s empathy and communication and a kind of consolation that enriches relationships.

Perhaps this is why we feel discomfort when reading the words of those who are always saying the right things. Because it’s so rare to see someone who walks the talk.

The silly thing is, we feel uncomfortable even if we do find someone who walks the talk. We feel smaller next to them, afraid that they will see us for what we are and look down on us. Maybe this is why I feel more comfortable with people who are unpretentious and uncomplicated.

when I’ve accidently met eyes with someone staring off into space in a café – when despite my fear of the gaze of others, I find that no one is looking in the first place. Can all the solitude I’ve drawn from these places become something special? This is the task and privilege of all artists.

Ruminating on love, work or anything really, I often have thoughts like Ah, I was wrong about that, I should’ve known better, and this both pains and consoles me at the same time. I am pained by the thought that I could never go back and correct it, and consoled by the thought that I won’t make the same mistake again.

wondered aloud why the word ‘young’ always accompanied such directives. Good ideas came from older and more experienced people all the time, and in any case, wouldn’t having a variety of voices at the table guarantee the best variety of ideas? She had a point.

Togetherness means altruism, and altruism is what saves us from selfishness. Because it begins with me and ends with everyone.

Being together, misunderstanding each other, sharing with each other, growing further apart from each other, all these things help us live out our present moment. I wonder if this is our way of comforting ourselves through the darkness that is our world.

Life is as messy as a bag whose owner never cleans it out. You have no idea when you might reach in and pull out a piece of old trash, and you’re afraid someone is going to look through your bag someday. Maybe your ‘baggage’ is like an old bag, too. You toss it around any which way, not caring how worn it gets or where it lands, and no one notices. You can’t afford a new bag so you carefully and painstakingly hold it so the rough patches don’t show. I’ve been scoffing at my own bag metaphor just now, but I don’t think it’s too far off either.