I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

by Baek Se-hee

I love and cherish your story. And I am your friend.

‘If you want to be happy, you mustn’t fear the following truths but confront them head-on: one, that we are always unhappy, and that our sadness, suffering and fear have good reasons for existing. Two, that there is no real way to separate these feelings completely from ourselves.’

I wonder about others like me, who seem totally fine on the outside but are rotting on the inside, where the rot is this vague state of being not-fine and not-devastated at the same time.

I’ve always thought that art is about moving hearts and minds. Art has given me faith: faith that today may not have been perfect but was still a pretty good day, or faith that even after a long day of being depressed, I can still burst into laughter over something very small. I’ve also realised that revealing my darkness is just as natural a thing to do as revealing my light.

I decided not to expect too much from friends or friendships anymore.

Most people are timid but the self-imposed pressure not to be timid makes you criticise yourself, even though you did speak out one out of ten times.

If we have a habit of judging people from a simplistic perspective, that perspective will eventually turn against ourselves.

I think you tend to focus too much on your ideals and pressure yourself by thinking, I have to be this kind of person! Even when those ideals are, in fact, taken from someone else and not from your own thoughts and experiences.

Me: I always think of myself as weak, and that everyone picks up on how weak I am. That no matter how intimidatingly I say something, they’ll see right through me. I’m afraid that people will see me as pathetic. Psychiatrist: It’s because of your anxiety. The moment you say something, you automatically think, How will this person view me? Won’t they leave me? And that makes you anxious.

But the idea that I’m actually normal is somehow even more weird to me. It makes me think I’m just being full of myself.

Because there’s really no end to worrying once you set your mind to it. If you shift your perspective from their past to your present, you can start perceiving your personal experiences in a more positive manner. From ‘How sad they didn’t realise this’ to ‘How lucky it is that I realise this.’ In the past, you didn’t know how to label your symptoms, but now you know. That’s a reason for relief, not for more suffering.

Psychiatrist: It’s like with your guilt. You want to strangle someone,