I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

by Baek Se-hee

I know people have their complicated reasons for doing what they do and being how they are, but I find it so hard to tolerate.

I think you tend to focus too much on your ideals and pressure yourself by thinking, I have to be this kind of person! Even when those ideals are, in fact, taken from someone else and not from your own thoughts and experiences.

But the idea that I’m actually normal is somehow even more weird to me. It makes me think I’m just being full of myself.

What about how I like being alone, but also hate being alone? Psychiatrist: Isn’t that just normal?

The contradictory state of longing for intimacy but also wanting to keep others at arm’s length is called the hedgehog’s dilemma.

I’m needlessly harsh towards myself, so I need comforting, someone who is on my side.

I’m constantly wondering, ‘Am I boring them?’ or ‘I’m enjoying myself right now, but how are they feeling?’

I don’t like to go out so I don’t get to see many people, and aside from my close friends I only spend time with my partner, and I was afraid my twenties would be over just like that without me having had varied experiences.

I hate being full of heaviness and darkness and excess. So here’s to thinking more positively!

Forgetfulness can be liberating, you know.

I really don’t know how to tell the difference – between what I really want and what others want for me.

from the perspective of a younger you, you’re the very picture of success.

don’t compare yourself to other people. Compare yourself to your past self.

What happens if this friend also drops out of my life? She’ll stop wanting to spend time with me if she realises what I’m like.

Your anxiety can become a burden to others.

Oh!

I like to be by myself a lot. But only under one condition: I must have someone who loves me. Someone must want to know how I am every day for me to be happy alone.

‘I must have someone who loves me. Someone must ask after me every day for me to be alone.’

Which is why your behaviour changes when the other person’s behaviour changes – to give as much as you’ve received – and that’s going to be a burden in the long run.

What I need to practise from now on is to stop trapping myself in some formula of, ‘This is what I have to be doing,’ and to simply acknowledge the fact that I am an independent individual.

‘What’s wrong with rationalising? It’s a perfectly reasonable defence mechanism. It’s you trying to find reasons behind your hurt or your decisions.’

I am someone who is completely unique in this world, someone I need to take care of for the rest of my life, and therefore someone I need to help take each step forward, warmly and patiently,

when it comes to myself, I think the tiniest flaw will make people leave me.

Because my roots are so weak and shallow, I only feel safe when I exert influence on others.

I understand this with my head, but my heart has more trouble recognising it.

I always considered pain or discomfort as me being a nuisance. I would censor my own pain.

Despite my discomfort, I cared more about how I appeared to others.

What do you mean exactly when you say you get judged? How does it feel to you? Me: I know it sounds odd, but I feel like it’s something being done to me. Like violence.

Do you feel like you have to satisfy everyone’s expectations of how you should look?

Instead of me waiting to see whether the men are any good, I feel like I’m waiting for them to make their judgements on my appearance. The funnier thing is that often I have no interest in the men but I’m hoping they’re interested in me.

‘Hey, you’re cuter in glasses! You should wear them all the time.’ But that means if I don’t wear glasses, I look ugly.

I know I’m not ugly. But I’m not pretty, either. I know I’m just ordinary, and I hate that even more.

There was a time when I liked women more than men.

I'm there rn

Oh my god, as if they even have expectations! Who do I think is caring about me that much!

Some days you’ll look pretty, and others you won’t. It’s a situation that can always change, so you don’t have to keep thinking, What are people going to say about me, what are they going to think? Sometimes, you will disappoint people.

if they go ‘Wow, you’re pretty!’, you would have to keep making an effort not to disappoint them.

I don’t think I look healthier or feel better when I’m thinner, but I do think I have more confidence.

I believed being thin might lead to better health, but I don’t think that’s it; it’s because I feel more in control.

that I still feel inferior when I meet someone supposedly superior to me, and that I feel confident and comfortable when I meet someone supposedly inferior –

The important thing here isn’t whether you are being loved, it’s how you will accept the love that comes your way.

Your self-esteem determines how you feel about the sincerity of others.