I didn’t realize it then, but I was also trying to protect myself. If the damage was a result of my failure to respond properly, then it was something I could control—if I just did it right. The last thing I wanted was to lose control again. Blaming myself for not being “over it” gave me some assurance, however small, that I was in control and could fix things—if I just did it right. The problem was, I clearly wasn’t getting it right, because I wasn’t better yet. The “magic words” of forgiveness I’d journaled months before hadn’t fixed the nightmares, flashbacks, and fear.
