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“Of course you’re not allowed to forget,” he said. “No matter how many years go back, no matter how old you are, no matter where we go, you will always be mine. Always. No one and nothing will take you from me.”
“Don’t ever forget. I take care of what’s mine.”
There was so much of my childhood I either couldn’t remember or didn’t want to. But there were little moments — bright spots in an endless abyss. Things like this photo, that reminded me of goodness and love, no matter how brief they’d been.
Maybe staying alive for the sake of other people wasn’t healthy, but it was better than the alternative. I found whatever I could to keep me going, no matter how small. My family. My dogs. Sunrises and quiet mornings. The taste of coffee. The determination that I’d see Europe someday. The desire to go on a road trip across the States. I had a desperate, almost frantic belief that someday, things would be better. Whatever it took to keep myself alive.
“Manson?” Jess’s voice was soft, timid with the question weighing it down. “What is it, angel?” “I love you.”
“I love you, Manson Reed.”
“I love you.”
I was in love. So desperately, irrevocably in love. But it wasn’t only Manson. We’d been honest with each other first, but that didn’t mean my mind wasn’t with the other boys.
It was that “oldest sibling” syndrome, I swear. I wanted to solve everything, always be there with an answer.
Art is personal. Sharing it is an act of intimacy; it’s letting someone inside your head.
“Do you remember when we met?” I said. “First grade.” She giggled. “You were so loud! I remember you running all over the place and the teacher kept telling you to sit down. You threw dirt at me.” “And you cried because it got in your hair,” I said, scratching my head sheepishly. “I felt so bad, I hadn’t meant to make you cry.” It hadn’t been dirt either. It had been a yellow flower I found on the playground and roughly tore out of the earth, determined to bestow it to the prettiest girl I knew of. But childish immaturity took over, and in a panic, I’d thrown the thing at her instead.
“The first day of freshman year, you wore a dress covered in yellow sunflowers, and I’ve never fucking forgotten. Because I can’t. I can’t forget you, Jess. Not a moment — the good or the bad. See?”
“But I knew that we’d get another chance. It inspired me. You inspire me.”
I took her face in my hands, wiping her tears away. “Please don’t cry, baby. I just want you to be happy. I want to keep you safe, take care of you. I know that’s a lot to take in. But trust me. I’m not leaving you. Not again.”
“Do you want to know something else?” I said. The rustle of trees and chirping of birds carried in through the window, the breeze cool. Jess nodded, her arms around my torso, her nails lightly grazing my back. “I love you, Jess.” She abruptly lifted her head, staring at me. Her lips parted in a silent gasp. “You…you do?” “I do.” I framed her face in my hands, smiling at the look of utter bewilderment on her face. “I love your mind; how clever you are. I love that you’re passionate. And you’re strong. You’ve changed your own deeply held convictions, and that’s not easy to do. You’re loyal.
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“I love you too, Vincent.”
“I love every inch of you,” I said, growling it against her skin. “Inside and out, baby. I could spend years telling you all the ways I love you, all the little things you do that drive me fucking wild. So I think I will. I think I’d like to spend a very long time showing you how much I adore you.”
“I love you, Jess.”
“I love you too.”
“I love you, Jason.” I stared at her, the words slowly sinking in. Her eyes were so sincere, and she reached over, grasping my hand. She traced her finger over my rings, nervously, and swallowed hard before she said, “I love you so much.”
“I love you. Fuck, I…” My hand was visibly shaking as I held it against her head. “I love you so much, Jess, I feel like I’m losing my mind. But I’m happy, I’m…” My words were getting tangled up. Shit, she’d fucked up my head, but I loved it. “I’m so happy. You make me so happy.”
“You know I love you. Right?”
“Of course I do. You know I love you back.”
Jess was stuck with us. She could make whatever plans she wanted; move across the state, the country, the goddamn world. We’d just go along with her.
There was no way in hell I would lose Jess now; I’d already made up my mind she was ours.
“Lucas.” She held both my hands in hers. God, she was terrifyingly beautiful. She was so tender it hurt, and when she looked at me, I felt like I could shatter into pieces. “I love you, Lucas. I love you, even if you don’t love me back. Even if you don’t completely trust me yet. Even if —”
“I love you too.” What fucking terrifying words. But they didn’t kill me to say, the world didn’t implode. So I said them again, to be sure. “I love you so much, Jess.” God, my stomach was in knots. “I fucking love you.” The more I said it, it was like I couldn’t stop. The words felt like weights dropping out of my mouth, making me lighter every time. “I love you so much that I can’t let you go.”
Some folks said that you couldn’t be loved by someone else until you loved yourself, but that simply wasn’t true. I learned how to love myself from the love others gave me. I was still learning, I’d always be learning.
I’ll remind you every day if I have to: of how much I love you, and how precious you are to me.”
“Manson, I love you. I love all of you. We’re past the games.
But I brought the car to an abrupt halt when I noticed the boys, all standing inside the garage as they waited for me. They were carrying bouquets. Their various choices in flowers were almost laughably different, but in the sweetest way I could have ever imagined. Lucas was holding two: a big bunch of red roses which he handed to Manson, while he kept the bouquet of blue cornflowers and pink wild roses. Jason held a bunch of daisies; Vincent held sunflowers.
“God, I love you,”
She loved me. Every single person I was surrounded by loved me. Until I’d met Manson, I hadn’t thought anything like this was remotely possible. Having a family, a home, falling in love — they were nice things for other people, not for me. “I love you, too,”
I was generally a calm dude. Most shit would just roll off my shoulders, the vast majority of circumstances weren’t worth getting violent over. But there were no rules once someone I loved was hurt; there were no limits, there was no caution. This wasn’t just payback; it wasn’t petty revenge.
The only thing I cared about was protecting my people, my family. Nothing and no one came before those I loved.
“We all love her, sir,” Jason said. “That may not be what you want to hear from us, but —” Mr. Martin held up his hand, stopping him. “All I want to hear is that my daughter is safe, happy, and loved. It’s not my business to tell her how to live her life.”
“I love you,” she said. It sounded like her sleepiness was winning, as the ambulance bumped out of our yard. “I don’t ever…ever want to be without you. Please…please promise…”
“I promise, angel,” I said. “I promise you’ll never be without us again. You’ll never be alone. You’ll never have to doubt.” I kissed her fingers, watching her beautiful face as she closed her eyes. “I love you, Jess. Then, now, and always.”
“Kids?” he said. He sounded both terrified and hopeful at the same time. “Yeah, you know, little miniature versions of you…Manson…Jason…Vincent…” His eyes grew wider with my every word, and I couldn’t help laughing at his expression. “I bet they’d like a treehouse.”
“Now, how do you expect us to leave the house with you looking like that?” Jason said. “I think I’d rather stay here and take all this off you.” “I promise that fucking Jess will be even more enjoyable after a Michelin-starred dinner,” Vincent said, putting his arm around my shoulders as he steered me toward the door. “We’ve had these reservations for weeks, I’m sorry, but I might die if I don’t get to try their roast duck.” “Better be a damn good duck,” Lucas said. He gave my ass a squeeze, his voice a growl in my ear as he said, “I knew you’d be wearing a thong under that slinky little
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The ribbon drifted to the floor as I opened the box. Inside was a key…and a ring.
“There’s a note in there. I figured, uh…well…I figured we’d all end up a bit tongue-tied so…” My hands were shaking so hard I could barely unfold the note neatly tucked above the ring.
We love you, Jessica, far more than words could encompass. We’ve spent all our lives reaching for the light, and you burned through us like fire. We’re the luckiest men in the world to have you in our lives, and you’d make us even luckier if you accepted this. The key is a promise of home, safety, comfort, and support. The ring is a promise of love and devotion, a bond that won’t break. Will you say yes?
“I needed you all,” I said, when my voice was finally steady enough to speak. “I love you…I love you all so much.”
