Even If It Hurts (Coastal Elite #1)

by Sam Mariano

what kind of person leaves someone they supposedly love at the end of their life just because the experience isn’t pleasant, but it’s not the kind of person I have any use for in my life.”

I hate to say this because I don’t like to believe something like that about anyone, but… I’m really not sure she’s even capable of love. If she is, I sure haven’t seen it.”

I guess my dad didn’t feel special enough, so he found a younger model who wasn’t sick of his shit yet and decided to be with her instead.”

“Good,” he says, his eyes darkening with satisfaction. He brushes his thumb across my cheek and my breath hitches. “You should be scared. Next time you think about opening your legs for someone else, remember that you married a madman, and cheating on him is ill-advised.”

“If I’m making a list of my favorite humans, you’re not on it,” she answers.

“You’re mine now,” he says, tone thick and deep and gravelly enough to make my heart skip a beat. “No one’s going to take you from me.”

Maybe it’s the things I don’t want to think about, like the fact that he has a girlfriend who isn’t me. I definitely don’t like that, and as much as I enjoyed having sex with him, my brain reminds me that’s exactly why this was a bad idea.

“This isn’t love,” she says softly. “How would you know?” I toss back. “Nobody loves you.”

“I try to remind myself to, but if I ever forget, I need you to remind me. My mind doesn’t work the way yours does, so I’m sure over the course of our relationship I’ll come up short from time to time.” He looks down at me, one hand coming up to cradle my face. “I may hurt you accidentally, but I’ll never do it on purpose.”

“No.” His grip on my jaw tightens almost painfully. “I will kiss you wherever and whenever the fuck I want to,” he says carefully. “And I don’t care if Hannah or Anae or anyone else fucking likes it. You’re mine, and I will do whatever the fuck I want to do with you. Do you understand?”

It wasn’t just all the crazy shit he did, but how casually he talked about it—like it was no big deal. Like I would also think it was no big deal.

“You don’t have to be,” he says, gently laying his hand over my bare tummy. “It doesn’t bode well that you are already. I don’t like to think Anae was right, but maybe I am too dark for you.” He circles my belly button with the tip of his finger. “Unfortunately, I’ve already decided you’re mine, and you being afraid of me won’t change that.”

“Tactics that work like a charm with you wouldn’t move the needle at all if I tried them on her. I can’t bully her by threatening violence against people she cares about because she doesn’t care about anyone,” he adds. “What’s the point in threatening to burn the world if the person just shrugs and genuinely doesn’t give a fuck? You, I can bully by threatening violence to Hannah. Hannah, I can injure just by ripping up a piece of fucking paper. In that sense, it’s much different with you. I know it’s not nice, but when I want to win, I know I can because I know exactly which buttons to push to completely disarm you.”

Now I know he’s dangerous, but he’s the danger that spends every night in my bed. My guard dog unless I give him a reason to bite me, too.

“And you’re stuck with me,” he states. “I can see myself being with you forever, Aubrey. I’m not bullshitting you. I can see us having kids and a family, birthday parties and fucking… trips to the popcorn store. I’m not one foot in this thing. I want it all, and I want it with you.”

I like what he’s saying, and I want to be able to trust him. I did before, so maybe I can again. Maybe it will be different this time, too. This time, I’ll actually know who I’m giving my trust to.

“I fucking love you, Aubrey. Don’t you get that by now? I would kill for you, but I would never hurt a hair on your goddamn head. I have ruined fucking lives to hold onto you, and I’d ruin more. The last thing I want is to lose you.” It’s a little sick to feel so reassured by that, but maybe that’s what loving him has made me: a little sick.

“It isn’t a good idea to invite temptation into our relationship. I will never do it, and I expect you not to as well. I know you were only joking about being sick of me and joking is fine, but should you ever actually get sick of me, I would advise you to reflect on what made you love me in the first place and fucking bathe in it, because I will never, ever let you go.”

“I could detail what your life would look like if you ever cheated on me, how I would cut you out of the life you’re living and transform my love into the metal bars that form your new home.” He cups my breast through my shirt. “How I would strip away your will, ignore your every single boundary, and treat you like a toy, playing with you exactly how I want to without regard for whether or not you liked it.”

“I won’t be graphic,” he assures me. “But you know some of the things I’ve done to you, and I love you. You witnessed what I’ve done to Anae, and I liked her, too.” He lets go of my throat and leans away. “I have no fondness at all for Hannah.”

“There’s more than one way to lose someone, you know.” My eyes narrow. She swallows, still with my hand wrapped around her throat. “Maybe you think you can’t lose her because you won’t let her leave, but you’re wrong. You can make her stop loving you. Maybe you can keep her as a prisoner after that, but you can only force her body to stay. You can’t force her heart.”