Forget Me Not

by Julie Soto

“I love you,” I tell her. “I’ve loved you. I can’t imagine losing this, but I only wanted more—for a second. That’s all it was,”

“I jumped the gun. I never thought I’d hear you say ‘I love you,’ and then you did. It made me think I could have everything, but I moved too fast, okay? Let’s forget this.”

“I’ll always know what you want, and what I can’t give you,”

Why do i relate with Ama so badly rn 😭

“We’re breaking up because you proposed. And because I never should have fucked you in the first place. This whole thing is a mistake.”

“That’s not how it works,” he says. “There is no falling out of love for people like you and me.”

“Sometimes you just count down the days, the hours, until you can be useful again,” he says. “And if it ever ends, Jackie?” He lowers his voice. “You’re still counting away. The months since. The exact days since. Like a tally of moments you’ve spent not being important to them. But don’t ever think you’ll wake up and not be in love with her.”

I whisper into his skin, “I love you. Elliot, I…I do.”

I can see his dark eyes when I close my own, staring at me like a painting he wants to look at for the rest of his life.

He said nothing had to change—it could be unsaid. But I would always know it in my heart. I would always know that he cried when I told him no. That he found a quiet hallway and wept.

“I kissed you because I miss you. Because I still want you.”

Because we were. We were forever.

I’ve grown up knowing that you don’t only get one. But…I only want one.”

“I only want you. And I’m ready now.” I can’t read his face. My eyes are pricking, and he’s getting blurry. So I clarify, repeating his words. “Marry me.”

Three years, four months, two weeks, and two days since our first kiss. Three years, two months, and two days since I first slept over. Two years, nine months, one week, and one day since I made a huge mistake.

She needs me again. She wants me again. And I’ve never stopped loving her.

“Who were you talking about to Jackie?” she asks, whispering. Her gaze flickers over my face. I step forward and reach out to brush my fingers over her jaw. She leans into me. “Someone I met five years, four months, three weeks, and five days ago.”

This time when we kiss, it doesn’t feel like goodbye, or a mistake, or something to overthink in the morning. It’s just…starting.

I push the sweater up and reveal a Red Pearl. An amaryllis. Its petals bloom out, covering his heart. The stem vines up to his shoulder. I can’t breathe. “Amaryllis?” I ask. “But it’s not extinct.”

“It’s…It was never about extinction. The tattoos…” He blows out his air. “They’re ones that I—that I can’t have. Ones that can’t be used in arrangements, can’t be kept in the shop.” He looks up to me. “Ones that are likely to disappear before I can love them.”

“I’m not going to marry you.” I blink at him and swallow. “Okay.” “I’m gonna date the shit outta you, though.”

He moans in the back of his throat—a lot. It’s completely intoxicating.

“I haven’t been with anyone since you.”

“Things don’t really change, do they?” I say. “I’ve always done whatever I wanted in this back room.” He brushes my hair over my ear. “That’s why I love you.”

“Will you marry me?” He shakes his head. Or mumbles a no. Or turns over and tells me to fuck off.

“When then?” “Maybe tomorrow,” he always says. I like to gather up Lady Cat-ryn in my arms on Elliot’s grumpy days and drop her from a height over my head onto his stomach.