She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

by Ian Kerner

Any sex therapist will tell you that the number one complaint they hear over and over from women is of an inability to experience orgasm during penis-vagina intercourse. The solution is not simply “more foreplay,” as magazines often chide us, but rather the skillful extension of those activities we associate with foreplay, namely oral stimulation, into complete, fully realized acts of lovemaking—the transformation of foreplay into nothing less than coreplay. This book is not anti-intercourse, but rather pro-“outercourse”—a conception of sex that goes beyond penetration, embraces mutual pleasure, and is better suited to stimulating the female sexual anatomy to orgasm. This model doesn’t exclude intercourse, but instead promotes the postponement of male gratification until after a woman has achieved her first (but hopefully not last) orgasm during a session of sexual activity—a deferment that has the double benefit of vouchsafing female satisfaction while also significantly enhancing the quality of the male climax. This book espouses the postponement of gratification, not the postponement of enjoyment.

Of all the activities they mentioned, cunnilingus ranked as the most satisfying. Eighty-two percent said having their husbands pleasure them orally was very satisfying; the next highest activity, intercourse, was rated very satisfying by only 68 percent. The women reported that during intercourse they reached orgasm about 25 percent of the time. But they reached orgasm 81 percent of the time during oral sex.

Some people refer to oral sex as mouth-music, and as a musician I guess you can say I’m well down the path of accomplishment. But it wasn’t until I met my wife that I found my Stradivarius—unique, beautiful, and priceless. If she is my violin, then I am her bow. I encourage you to find your Stradivarius. And when you do, protect, cherish, and remain constant to it, for then you will be able to play as a master.

The female orgasm is a more complicated affair and often takes much longer to achieve during a session of sexual activity. In particular, her first orgasm is the most difficult to accomplish, requiring persistent stimulation, concentration, and relaxation.

Studies, like those by Kinsey and Masters and Johnson, have concluded that among women whose partners spent twenty-one minutes or longer on foreplay, only 7.7 percent failed to reach orgasm consistently.

the inner two thirds of the vagina are substantially less sensitive than the outer third.

While much literature has been devoted to the “insensitivity” of men and the “neediness” of women in this respect, it’s far more effective to understand that the snuggle gap is largely the result of biology (men crash quickly after sex, women come down slowly), so don’t overanalyze, or get angry and pick a fight; instead, respect each other’s differences and compromise: fall asleep while holding her in your arms.

“To her according to your abilities, from you according to her needs.” —The Cunnilinguist Manifesto

think of Part I as a manifesto, a call to action that urges us first and foremost to: • Respect the female process of arousal • Postpone gratification in the pursuit of mutual pleasure • Know and appreciate the clitoris in all its manifold aspects • Stimulate the clitoris appropriately through the entire process of sexual response • Dispense with the conventional wisdom that exalts genital penetration as the apogee of sexual pleasure • Purge yourself of stereotypes, clichés, and prejudices • Be patient, respectful, sensitive and tender • Take an approach that is pleasure-oriented, not goal-oriented • Approach each act as a unique process of giving and receiving, knowing and learning • Give of yourself seriously, generously, and wholeheartedly, even if your relationship is casual and impermanent

the Three Assurances of the cunnilinguist manifesto are as follows: •Going down on her turns you on; you enjoy it as much as she does. •There’s no rush; she has all the time in the world. You want to savor every moment. •Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful: it all emanates from the same beautiful essence. Communicate these Three Assurances physically and verbally; repeat them over and over, in every possible way; say them, show them: embody them. Be strong, be understanding. If she has issues, fears, talk your way through them. Work your way through the anxiety. Lead her to a breakthrough. Be one of the good guys. Take one small lick for man, one giant lick for mankind.

During foreplay avoid direct contact with her genitals for a minimum of ten to fifteen minutes. Stimulate other parts of her body; let the oxytocin wash over her and pervade her bloodstream. Save the genital kiss for last, as the first kiss upon the vulva is the threshold between foreplay and coreplay.

As Voltaire wrote, “Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination.”

As she gets more aroused, look for the commensurate changes in her breathing, and tightening of the abdominal muscles.

Press your thumb against her clitoral head and gently flick it from side to side as you penetrate her with short shallow thrusts. Or press the shaft of your penis against her clitoris and then gently thrust between the folds of her labia without ever entering her. Or she can perform Kegels (the squeezing of her pelvic muscles) while you, ever so slowly, penetrate her. Really take the time to feel her pelvic muscles contract against your penis as you slowly withdraw.

Massaging the mons pubis with the base of your palm stimulates the clitoral cluster from above.

Like the clitoral head, the front commissure/ shaft responds at first to tongue strokes, but, once aroused, craves the firmer pressure of the upper lip and gum, or a fingertip massage.

The first kiss atop a woman’s vulva is often the most exquisite of all possible kisses and can literally take her breath away.

Make your first lick a slow and tender “ice cream” lick from bottom to top. Make it long and lasting. Take it all in.

Make sure that the interval between licks is long enough to let each one resonate fully and completely.

Brevity may be the soul of wit, but not of cunnilingus.

As Kundera explains, the title, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, comes from a meditation on the philosophy of Nietzsche, who said that we should live every moment of our lives as though we were sentenced to repeat it over and over, forever and ever, for all eternity. We should live each moment as though we were creating an eternal, unchangeable work of art.