She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

by Ian Kerner

to my surprise, I discovered that the “way of the tongue” was by no means inferior to intercourse; if anything, it was superior, in many cases the only way in which women were able to receive the persistent, rhythmic stimulation, outside of masturbation, necessary to achieve an orgasm.

When it comes to the oral caress, every man should make a mantra of Rhett Butler’s infamous line to Scarlett O’Hara in Gone with the Wind: “You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.”

When it comes to mastering the grammar of oral sex, we need more than just a handful of random tips gleaned from the latest copy of Maxim or Cosmo. We need that veritable “little rule book,” as Elements of Style has been so fondly dubbed: focused, concise, with techniques that make sense, explanations that illuminate, and routines that really work—a book that inspires us to develop our own unique voice and sense of style. She Comes First is that book.

Today, I am convinced that one of the main sources of PE is poor masturbation habits—how boys are taught, or rather not taught, to do it quickly, furtively, and shrouded in taboo and secrecy. It doesn’t take long for a young man to program himself to seek his pleasure quickly, and as we all know, bad habits are difficult to break. Perhaps if someone had told me early on to masturbate with a woman’s orgasm in mind, rather than my own, I would have been spared years of turmoil.

I learned through trial and error, but eventually came to realize that cunnilingus was much more than just an arbitrary, or optional, aspect of foreplay; it was coreplay. It was an essential process—with a beginning, middle, and end—for leading a woman through the many stages of arousal that eventually culminate in climax. Cunnilingus not only enabled me to pleasure a woman utterly and completely, it allowed me to stop worrying about sex and start enjoying it.

Don’t mistake the hooded crown (the “glans” or “head”) for the entire clitoris. As we will discuss, the head is just the tip of the iceberg, a tantalizing allusion to unseen wells of pleasure.

stop thinking of the clitoris as a little bump, and start thinking of it as a complex network, a pleasure dome, the Xanadu at the heart of female sexuality.

NUMEROUS STUDIES have demonstrated that women whose lovers give them direct clitoral stimulation during sexual activity are more likely to climax consistently. But because of its location, most sexual positions (especially missionary-style) do not properly stimulate the clitoris. As Shere Hite concluded, “Sex provides efficiently for male orgasm, and inefficiently for female orgasm.”