She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

by Ian Kerner

THE PREMISE of this book is simple: when it comes to pleasuring women and conversing in the language of love, cunnilingus should be every man’s native tongue.

When it comes to pleasuring women, keep in mind the ancient words of Taoist master Wu Hsien, “The man must keep the situation in control and benefit from the communion without undue haste.”

“The male belongs to Yang Yang’s peculiarity is that he is easily aroused. But also he easily retreats. The female belongs to Yin. Yin’s peculiarity is that she is slow to be aroused But also slow to be satiated.” (Taoist master Wu Hsien)

Irony, bitter and cruel, seems to be embedded into our respective processes of arousal: that a woman, so unique in her sexuality, possessing both a clitoris—an organ designed solely for the production of pleasure—as well as the ability to experience multiple orgasms during a single session of sexual activity, should so often find this vast potential for blazing ecstasy smoldered—a magnificent conflagration left unlit—all for lack of a match that can hold its flame.

Studies, like those by Kinsey and Masters and Johnson, have concluded that among women whose partners spent twenty-one minutes or longer on foreplay, only 7.7 percent failed to reach orgasm consistently.

we can simplify matters by adopting “Occam’s razor,” the principle coined by the medieval philosopher William of Occam that lies at the root of all scientific modeling and theory building: Entia non sunt multiplicanda necessitatem. Translation: “One should not make more assumptions than are absolutely necessary.”

The tongue, an array of muscles and nerves held together by a membrane covered with thousands of taste buds, is the most versatile sex organ we possess. It’s the only muscle in the body that’s not attached at both ends. We can touch, taste, and lick with it. The tongue is the instrument that lets us speak many languages, foremost among them the language of love. But having the right tool is just a start; you need to know how to use it. Many women complain woefully about men’s oral techniques: the lack of consistent, rhythmic pressure; their roughness; the mad stampede for the clitoris. As Strunk and White wrote in Elements of Style, “Do not overstate…a single overstatement, wherever or however it occurs, diminishes the whole.”

“Women of the 90s are not squeamish little virgins. We’ve had intercourse—lots of it—and think that Outercourse kicks its ass.”

In The Cradle of Erotica by A. Edwardes and R.E.L. Masters, we are told that during the Tang Dynasty, the Empress Wu Hu ruled China. She knew that sex and power were inexorably linked, and she decreed that government officials and visiting dignitaries must pay homage to her imperial highness by performing cunnilingus upon her. No joke. Old paintings depict the beautiful, powerful empress standing and holding her ornate robe open while a high nobleman or diplomat is shown kneeling before her, applying his lips and tongue to her royal mound.

Massaging the mons pubis with the base of your palm stimulates the clitoral cluster from above.

Like the clitoral head, the front commissure/ shaft responds at first to tongue strokes, but, once aroused, craves the firmer pressure of the upper lip and gum, or a fingertip massage.

This sensitive area responds to tongue strokes as well as firm pressure. Like the glans and front commissure/shaft, the frenulum plays an important role in sexual response. In fact, taken together, these three visible parts of the clitoris are responsible for the lion’s share of pleasure.

Approach the first kiss as an event, as though tasting the first sip of an expensive bottle of wine that you’ve been saving for that special occasion. Don’t just pop off the cork and start swigging: let it breathe, sniff and savor the bouquet, admire the body, note the complexion and tone, and then, finally, take that much anticipated first sip. Allow yourself to appreciate the full experience.

Tease her, taunt her, tantalize her—make her think that she’s not ever going to get it, ever, and then, just when she’s on the brink of utter madness, give it to her.

Make your first lick a slow and tender “ice cream” lick from bottom to top. Make it long and lasting. Take it all in.

In this chapter we discussed the importance of the first kiss. Use it as an opportunity to express your enthusiasm about what’s to come. But channel that excitement into a slow, tender kiss that lavishes the entire area of the vulva rather than just the clitoral head. Remember, when it comes to cunnilingus first impressions count.

Cunnilingus is all about the balance between movement and stillness, the counterpoint of action and reaction. To that end, a flat still tongue pressed softly, later firmly, into her vulva will prove to be one of your most powerful positions. Make sure that the interval between licks is long enough to let each one resonate fully and completely.

Like calling out her name in a tunnel or cave, wait until the echo has completely subsided before calling out once again. Later, as the momentum builds to a peak, action and reaction will overlap until they become virtually indistinguishable; but for now that’s a ways off.

You’ve alerted the clitoral head to a variation in rhythm; you’ve rescinded the attention that it grew accustomed to. In this way, you compel the head to find you, to seek out your tongue.

Tongue Tip: As an enhancement to these routines, perform them with her legs in the air. Get a firm grip on her thighs and raise both legs so that only her butt is touching the bed. Lick her vulva tenderly and gingerly and note the tension in her legs and pelvic area as she pushes against your hands. This “pushing against a point of resistance” is a key element in developing hypertonicity—the muscular tension that contributes to sexual response and orgasmic release.

Let’s Review 1. In this chapter, we discussed the importance of establishing rhythm and building a solid foundation, as well as exercising restraint when you might be tempted to apply rough passion. 2. After the first kiss, lick her vaginal entrance from top to bottom, and then rest your tongue flat against the surface of her vulva. Do this fifteen to twenty times. 3. Next, lick her five times with halfway strokes, focusing on the labia and staying clear of the head. On the sixth stroke, finish the movement and press the soft tip of your tongue into her head. 4. Repeat this pattern, increasing each set of halfway licks by one until you get to ten. 5. Use this routine to establish rhythm and acclimate the head to the attentions of your tongue.

To begin with, let’s explore the potential of a single finger and then later introduce more complex combinations. Use your index finger to: • Flirt with her inner lips; trace the edges with your fingertip. Squeeze and pinch them playfully. Acquaint your index finger with all the diverse parts of her vulva, and take note of her responses. • Gently stimulate her front commissure, the smooth area just above the clitoral head and hood. • Lightly tap her frenulum, the region just below her clitoral head and above her vaginal entrance where her labia minora (inner lips) meet. • Tease her fourchette, the area where the labia majora (outer lips) meet at the base of the vaginal entrance. • Gently tickle the lower base of her vaginal entrance. • As you allow your finger to wander, apply simple, steady tongue strokes. Note how the two work in combination. • Now that you’ve teased her vulva, slowly insert the first two inches or so of your index finger into her vagina. Your finger should go in quite easily (assuming she’s amply aroused and lubricated) and you will likely feel her interior pelvic muscles throb in response and the clitoral cuff tighten around you. • Hold the position straight and still as you continue to apply simple tongue strokes. Don’t rush to insert more fingers. Save them for later. For now, there’s a teasing aspect to the still, single finger and its presence stimulates her pelvic muscles to work: you’re giving her something to reach for that ultimately eludes her...

Tongue Tip: Use your thumb in combination with your index finger. While your index finger is inserted in her vaginal entrance, rotate your thumb downward to the six o’clock position and then graze, tickle and press her perineum (the area of erectile tissue just below her vagina and above her anus). Or rotate your thumb back up to the twelve o’clock position and massage her frenulum, the area just below the clitoral head, while your finger is inserted in her vaginal entrance.

Place your free hand under her buttocks and cradle them firmly. You should be able to easily squeeze both cheeks together. Use your hand to keep her in position and fine-tune the position of her vulva in relation to your mouth. Make no mistake: a steady hand is crucial, the backbone of a great session—it helps her to easily maintain persistent contact with your mouth and allows you to modulate the pressure against her vulva. Let’s Review 1. In this chapter we commenced the process of developing sexual tension. We achieved this by introducing manual stimulation, namely in the form of a single finger inserted into the vaginal entrance. In doing so, we noted the response of her clitoral cuff and pelvic muscles. 2. We also highlighted an alternative to the index finger in the form of the thumb, as well as a playful combination in which the perineum is stimulated in combination with the index finger. 3. In addition to simple manual stimulation, we also emphasized the importance of using a hand to support her weight and keep her firmly in position. A steady grip helps you execute your tongue strokes and maintain persistent contact with her vulva.

Tongue Strokes NOW THAT HER CLITORAL HEAD is fully acclimated to the attention of your tongue, it’s time to vary your strokes and get playful: let your tongue take a solo. But, in doing so, remember the admonitions of Strunk and White, “Be clear. Be wild of tongue in a way we can understand!” Don’t make a break with the rhythm you’ve established, reinforce it; play on top of it. Horizontal Strokes Most tongue strokes are vertical, from bottom to top, but brisk horizontal licks back and forth across the clitoral head will inflame her, particularly if they’re wet and sloppy and wash over the full expanse of the head. Diagonal Strokes Tilt your head to the left or right (whichever is more comfortable), and press your ear against her thigh. Then lick from a lower corner point of the clitoral region up to its diagonal opposite, brushing against the clitoral head in the process. When this is executed correctly, you’ll notice that your strokes slow down because you’re working harder for each one and you’re using the side of your tongue as opposed to the front of it. This position may be a bit awkward on the neck, but the change in direction and pace is sure to delight her, particularly since your strokes will have a heavier, slightly sluggish quality to them. There’s actually a bit of “drag” to the diagonal stroke, and within that rhythm of drag an unpredictable staccato—pleasurable tiny “spikes” that spark within her. Tongue Tip: Use both of your thumbs to gently part her labia ...

A come-hither clasp is an ideal way to take a short interlude from cunnilingus, reconnect with her upper body, and enjoy other forms of stimulation before returning to your session.

Whether you are applying pressure to the front commissure with your gum, or to the frenulum with your thumb or a vibrator, what’s important is that you’re creating a point of resistance that allows her to generate friction and create sexual tension on her own terms.

Putting All the Players to Work Now it’s time to deploy a gum-press in combination with a come-hither clasp. It’s this combination of focused pressure on both sides of the clitoral region, inner and outer, that will usher her into the preorgasm state. • Maintain the pressure of a gum-press for five to ten seconds, and then vary it with tongue strokes—short horizontal passes that skim across the top of the clitoral head from left to right, or vertical strokes that hit it head-on from bottom to top. • All the while, maintain the manual stimulation of the come-hither finger clasp. • Get your thumb into the action by pressing it against her frenulum. • Get your free hand (the one supporting her buttocks) into the action by stimulating her perineum. If your hand is horizontally straddling her buttocks, simply rotate it so that it’s vertically aligned with the crevice between her buttocks. Now your thumb is free, willing, and able to stimulate her perineum externally. In case you didn’t know it, at this point you’re working like a pro. You are stimulating the key areas of the clitoral network, both visible and hidden, and calling all of its parts to action! Let’s Review 1. In this chapter we discussed the importance of applying external pressure to the region around the clitoral head. 2. We introduced the technique of a gum-press against the front commissure, or alternatively fingertip or vibrator pressure against the frenulum. The point is to maintain pressure and provide a poi...

Once she’s in the preorgasm phase, bring her legs as close together as possible. In this position it’s much easier for her pelvic muscles to transition into an involuntary state of spasm. If her legs are too wide apart, she may not be able to orgasm at all. Don’t worry about not having enough space to stimulate her with your tongue—there’s plenty of room. At this point, the tighter the fit, the better.

Jackson Pollock Licks A bit of lore about the painter Jackson Pollock: a journalist came to his studio one afternoon, surveyed the artist’s work and, unimpressed by the abstract splotches, told him, “That’s not art, any monkey can do that.” Pollock dipped his brush in a can of paint, gave it a deft flick of the wrist, and told the journalist to get the hell out. He pointed to the doorknob: on it, dead center, was a single dot of paint. • Try licking her the way Pollock painted: broad strokes, with pinpoint targeted precision. Swooping, serpent like, start with the flat part of the tongue and end with the tip. Like Pollock, be sure you know what you’re aiming for; demonstrate the precision that underlies the passion.

The Lily Pad Imagine a frog on a lily pad. It sits silently and patiently, and then suddenly its tongue darts out to snag its prey. Make like a frog and “catch” the clitoral head with your tongue. In cunnilingus, less is definitely more, and this technique—with its pauses and sudden flashes of contact—bears that out.

Finishing Touches Impressionist painter Georges Seurat pioneered the art of “pointillism”—rendering his subject out of thousands, if not millions, of tiny dots of color. Like Seurat proudly surveying a barely dry landscape, apply a few considered finishing touches to your “canvas”—using the tinie...

It’s important to remember that no two women are the same when it comes to their orgasms, and many sex therapists consider the individual experience so unique that it’s sometimes referred to as “orgasmic fingerprinting.”

WORD: “Appoggiatura” MEANING: an embellishment: a musical note performed before an essential part of a melody and normally taking half or less than half its time value. EXAMPLE: “When a woman climaxes as a result of oral stimulation, one can deftly apply small, yet highly effective appoggiaturas that enhance and punctuate the larger experience.” If, and when, a woman climaxes during genital intercourse, you may feel the contractions of her orgasm pulse against your penis, but there’s little you can do to stimulate or enhance those pleasurable waves beyond maintaining persistent contact with her clitoris. However, during cunnilingus, you have the added benefit of being able to use your tongue to “spike” the process. • Once she’s entered the period of orgasmic contractions—about ten to twenty seconds in duration—apply light, playful tongue jabs against the clitoral head; swipe the head with short vertical strokes, mixed in with some diagonal swipes. As always, do this calmly, coolly, and gently. These “appoggiaturas” should be light tongue tickles that go against the grain of her orgasm. Think of them as tiny bumps in the road: they won’t slow her down, but she’ll definitely feel them. Take your time; you needn’t apply more than four to six swipes in total. Each one will add spark and counterpoint to the process—power spikes that continue to push the envelope of pleasure until all the sexual tension has been completely exhausted and drained from her body. In short, use your ...

“It’s pure instinct. The curtain comes down when the rhythm seems right—when the action calls for a finish.” —Harold Pinter “Great is the art of the beginning, but greater is the art of the ending.” —Thomas Fuller

In fact, it’s far easier for a woman to experience her second orgasm, as her genitals are still engorged with blood and her body is still awash with the potent chemicals of sex. As Natalie Angier has written of the female orgasm, “It may take many minutes to reach the first summit, but once there the lusty mountaineer finds wings awaiting her. She does not need to scramble back to the ground before scaling the next peak, but can glide like a raptor on currents of joy.”

The Coital Alignment Technique (CAT) This is a sexual position designed to greatly improve a woman’s chance of orgasm through genital penetration and function as an enhancement to the standard missionary position, man on top. During CAT, the man penetrates from a higher angle than usual, placing pressure on the woman’s clitoris with the base of his penis and pubic bone. When you are performing CAT, the main thing to keep in mind is maintaining contact with the clitoris. The overall movement is much less a thrusting than a synchronized rocking back and forth with the focus on the clitoris and the base of the penis.

Kierkegaard wrote, “Hope is a charming maiden that slips through the fingers, Recollection is a beautiful old woman but of no use at the instant, Repetition is a beloved wife of whom one never tires.”

• Make sure she’s amply aroused. Spend the time during foreplay to establish a strong foundation of sexual tension. • Before you apply the first oral kiss, make sure you’re both in positions that can be sustained comfortably throughout the entire process of sexual response. • When applying your oral techniques, focus on stimulation rather than penetration. Apply gentle, rhythmic tongue strokes. Remember: all those sensitive nerve endings that contribute to her orgasm are right there at the tip of your tongue. • Express the Three Assurances of cunnilingus persistently throughout your session: 1) Going down on her turns you on; you enjoy it as much as she does. 2) There’s no rush; she has all the time in the world; you want to savor every moment. 3) Her scent is provocative, her taste intoxicating: it all emanates from the same beautiful essence. • When using your fingers, don’t probe and prod; focus on fingertip pressure of key areas such the clitoral cluster. • Remember the virtues of the flat, still tongue. Stillness can be more effective than movement. • Be confident, not cocky. A simple, modest approach is much more effective than a flashy one. • Cunnilingus is not something you do to her; it’s something you do with her. Let her move against you to create the friction she needs. • As she approaches orgasm, maintain persistent clitoral contact. Keep her legs as close together as possible while still permitting access to her vulva. • Stay calm, measured, and focused. Don’...

The stimulation of ten key hot spots: clitoral head and hood; mons pubis; clitoral cluster; front commissure and clitoral shaft; frenulum; labia minora; vaginal entrance; the fourchette perineum; the anus • Over the course of six key stages: the first kiss; establishing rhythm; developing tension; escalation; preorgasm; orgasm • Using three main “actors”: tongue; fingers; hands • And a variety of “supporting actors”: gums; penis (optional); sex toys and restraints (also optional; see appendices)

Nietzsche, who said that we should live every moment of our lives as though we were sentenced to repeat it over and over, forever and ever, for all eternity. We should live each moment as though we were creating an eternal, unchangeable work of art.

As George Bernard Shaw wrote, “When you loved me I gave you the whole sun and stars to play with. I gave you eternity in a single moment, strength of the mountains in one clasp of your arms, and the volume of all the seas in one impulse of your soul.” When she comes first, she comes forever.

Tongue Tip: Once you’ve been stimulating her for a while, insert a finger or two underneath the vibrator and push up on it. This will enable the vibrator to really massage her clitoral cluster.