Poems for the Signs

by Michaela Angemeer

i'm finally starting to learn that who can do the hurt first without getting hurt in return isn't a competition i want to win

are you in love or are you just scared of being alone

falling in love is cloud nine dancing in your underwear good morning texts giving someone the ability to make you cry

i know we know this is better for both of us i know no love was lost and trees can’t grow when they’re planted so close but sometimes it’s sad to lose your person sometimes it’s sad to be alone

it took me twenty-seven years to learn how to lie i thought honesty was a natural inclination for everyone i know that’s sweet i love the person i used to be but unfortunately i also loved a lot of liars who knew the lies that would work on me

i don’t wanna be with anybody who weaponizes my vulnerability saves it in a wooden box loads it in a shotgun when i least expect it

the tortoise cinnamon buns a hug after two years the last two minutes of a vanilla-scented candle an old t-shirt munchies at midnight not taking advice inertia a forest nymph worn-in work boots on the front porch sharpening a pencil to the last inch your childhood best friend's phone number

i thought i would always love you but while i was standing in the sun you kept looking for shade the more i nourished the more you withered i tried to make us last longer emptied my cup to fill up yours until i learned that there’s no point in watering something that doesn’t want to grow

you may never let go completely but you will move on

could you hear me scream? i thought i lost my voice i mean i only spoke the truth through shattered teeth but you are honey-coated throat i thought i lost my way i mean i burned all the maps they gave me but then i heard you coming

i have been programmed by the stars and my mother to see the worst in things

you can understand where someone is coming from and still not accept how they treat you

what is reality and what is part of the narrative my anxiety invented

it’s okay if most of the love in your twenties was unrequited it’s okay if you spent more time pining than being loved back it’s okay if you wanted love so badly it terrified you it’s okay if it made the in-between easier than the real thing

crying in gym class a porcelain doll forget-me-nots wool mittens attached with a string a perfectly timed punchline feeling homesick a car ride with silent understanding floating in the ocean an empty box of wine have i ever told you i love you? driving towards the moon a crumpled up love letter

i was raised on guilt and shame i’m just trying to be myself again

truthfully, i find it so difficult to know who wants the real me and who just wants to feel seen

my loneliness is a coping mechanism protection from rejection

why did i let you in you can’t practice vulnerability on someone who’s never felt their feelings why did i try to go deep you weren’t comfortable in my ocean too many waves for someone who never learned to swim why didn’t i see that i was the one giving everything and you were stuck inside yourself too scared to be anything other than numb

hiding from your feelings doesn’t make them go away it covers them with black mud bubbling up when you least expect it spilling into everything you hoped would feel good until you can’t feel anything at all

i stopped waiting for a partner to live my life. bought myself flowers. took myself on dates. real dates. dressed up for fun. journaled in the park and enjoyed my own company. went on vacation. a three hour drive for one. a three bedroom cottage for one. planned dinners. shucked corn. barbecued. lit candles. ate. did the dishes after. talked to mother mary in the lake. took pictures in the hot tub. lit incense every morning. practiced gratitude every night. read two books in two days. watched the sunset on the dock. learned i can live a full life filled with love even if i haven’t found someone to share it with. i can find joy in every day even when i’m alone.

you can only help others if you help yourself first

whatever you're willing to give there will always be someone there to take and they will take take take until all you're left with is resentment

some days i cannot see where my mother ends and i begin i am her thick hair her knowing eyes her grin before you get the joke but though i am mother i am learning to make room for me too i am the freckle on my nose my crooked toe the way my words have feelings i am her and i am everything she gave up

why do i start to lose myself when i think of a future with someone

i’m sorry that your first heartbreak was from someone who was supposed to love you the most. you deserved to feel love as soon as you came to this earth. i’m sorry that the people who were supposed to take care of you couldn’t love you in the way you needed. i’m sorry that everyone you’ve ever loved has hurt you. i’m sorry that you find it hard to love knowing that it always ends in heartbreak. but i hope one day you are loved the way you deserve to be. and i hope one day you can love yourself like that too.

what if you loved like you’ve never been hurt

i’m tired of constantly cracking myself open transforming can’t i stay the same for a little while can’t i just be this version of me a little while longer

i will go to your wedding in all black nails and lips painted midnight too i will shout i am mourning the loss of what we could have been while she cries in white

i am not the cure for your insecurity being with me will only make it worse i won’t save you from your demons i’ll open the door for them let them sleep in the guest room i am so sorry i can’t fix you whatever you’re running from will catch up to you if you’re with me

have wine and pastries in a hot bath. fill the water with salt and oil. put on a red dress. take yourself to a wine bar. two glasses of red. fresh sourdough for one. bring your journal and write poems about the waiter. take yourself out for dinner. order a fancy cocktail. get the most expensive thing on the menu. steak frites with truffle fries. dance with each bite. take yourself for a night cap. rejoice when they say there are only seats at the bar. go home full with a new appreciation for you.

i'm still bad at parallel parking stopped drinking coffee black cause there's already a little drummer in my chest i have eighteen plants two taller than me and i still look best in the mornings sometimes not wearing a thing i've figured out how to say what i feel to cry when someone's not listening that i can make people dream bigger just by being honest if i'm being honest i don't think of you much anymore and i hope you're doing ok but now i know that people come and go with the seasons but how they made you feel is there to stay

i liked that you had an ipod plugged permanently in your car cherry wine or take me to church i can still hear you tap along i liked that you charmed waiters and were a good tipper and most of the time i liked when you drove fast i liked the curls on the top of your head that you picked out outfits the night before but your sheets always felt like they were falling off your bed and i could never sleep through the night with you i wonder if my unconscious knew that even though i liked all these things i wasn’t falling in love with you

how do you start a relationship without seeing it end in your head first

i started holding other people to the standards i hold myself to turns out no one could meet them either

my love for you lasted the longest but it was also the saddest i wish competency wasn’t such a turn on i wish it wasn’t so easy to romanticize someone i could never be with i wish i was satisfied with just friends but if i’m being honest i wasn’t i wish i could be happy for your wife and kids but if i’m being honest i’m not but most of all i wish it didn’t take all this time to realize i was too in love with you for far too long

thank you for teaching me unconditional love. for having the best sense of humour. for bringing light into every room. for having a deep understanding of me as a person and always holding space for who i am. thank you for catharsis through cooking, for welcoming me into your kitchen. for supporting me, for always paying special attention to me. you showed me how to be brave and strong, and that brave and strong can come in any package. i wish you felt less pressure to hold it all together. i wish you were able to find yourself more. thank you for instilling core values in me. and thank you for watching over me now. te quiero dear nana III

what if death does not mean you have lost someone forever what if it means you have an abundance of love to come

i will be the last woman in my family to be used as a pin cushion a mirror a reflection of a man’s wounds

the last cupcake butterfly clips a seahorse finding money on the ground bottomless mimosas romanticizing your life a cloud with a rainbow coming out of it forgetting what you want to remember remembering what you want to forget periwinkle hurting people you love by accident losing your boarding pass pisces

i’m afraid i’ll disappear if i close my eyes

at least you taught me that i wasn’t going to find self worth through intimacy

there’s so much to be sad about when you’re trying to fall in love

one day it will finally feel like it’s in the past