Fluids

by May Leitz

If you slip and fall and die in the bathroom after

There’s something so magical and powerful about disappointing your parents.

It feels so good to put yourself back together, but only because it feels terrific to take yourself apart.

I’m not so sure I like boys at all anymore. I guess it’s not the boys themselves, but their concept.

Talking to you feels like dancing with Dahmer.

It’s morning, and I’m gay. It’s noon, and I’m still gay. I have a feeling when it gets to be evening, I’m still going to be gay.

Sometimes other people are scary even when they don’t mean harm. And sometimes, the most innocent people are the worst and do the most damage.

It hurts to help yourself. It hurts to make life tolerable. I have to dive out of a door and drive off into the night. I have to make a scene. That’s the only way I can get what I need. Besides, why wouldn’t I want to announce my exit? Why wouldn’t I want my mom to know I fucking left her? I fucking left her for a cis lesbian. Fuck you, Mom.

The idea of someone knowing all of me is something I fear deeply. My secrets protect me.

The hardest part of pain is the pressure, but once the pressure is over, you just need to evaluate what you’ve lost.