Figure of Speech

by Kasha Thompson

It made sense; it wasn’t every day I was called for a job interview at the White House.

do ppl actually interview for hit jobs like this? that’s wild to think

here I was sitting in the outer office just steps from the Oval, like my name was Olivia Pope.

ok scandal reference nice

said a quick prayer to God, Mother Earth, and Lady Karma, in hopes all would join forces like the Avengers to help me nail this interview. Not only had I sacrificed sleep this

ok there are so many references in this but I’m drunk so we’re vibing

“Can you please explain your tweet from four years ago in which you said, and I quote, ‘Breaking news. All men are trash. Your daddy, your pop-pop, your uncle Reggie. Hot, steaming piles of trash. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk,’” Gimble asked, removing his reading glasses from the brim of his pointy nose.

I SCREAMED

A video of me twerking at a party in the Hamptons. “What do you say to this?” Gimble asked.

I’m screeching 😭 in the HAMPTONS of all places

Like, if I call and you don’t answer your phone, I’m going to assume you want to see me in person. If I find another woman’s number in your contact list and it’s not work related, I may bleach your clothes. Yes, I have stalked a boyfriend’s social media page and could tell you what pictures he was liking and who was liking his. It took a lot of work to maintain that type of energy, so eventually, I decided to hit pause on the relationship stuff and just pursue what was really important to me, and the one thing I could completely control, my career.

girl you should not be admitting this 😭

I gave a wave to the others in the room. This room was like a scene from Animal Kingdom. It was important I establish dominance quickly so others knew I was not one to be trifled with.

first thought is the mean girls mall scene

Ending the call, Teddy smiled wider than a Cheshire cat. “Grab your bag, loser, we're going to lunch.”

it’s giving Regina George

So, President Elmsworth was probably sleeping with the last Press Secretary and now he’s taking the new Press Secretary out to lunch. Did this man have no shame or at the very least, a sense of the optics?

he’s a WHORE it’s giving Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III

“He’s an obstructionist and racist if you ask me.” “Well, you know what they say. Everyone’s a little bit racist.” “Who says that?” Raising an eye from my laptop screen, I wanted to say everyone who isn’t white says that, but I didn’t want to engage in a conversation about allyship and white guilt.

IM SCREAMING

If Principal Fullerton instructed the crowd to fight for Teddy’s hand in marriage, this auditorium would turn into the 77th Hunger Games.

what a number considering there was never a 76th annual hunger games

“I randomly selected the names of who will attend. So, we have—” “Hold up.” Teddy whirled around. I guess he was listening. “I’m not going to attend an event with people I wouldn’t grab a drink with.” His statement was met with cold stares. “No offense.” Walking over to Bruce, he held out his hand. “Let me see your list.” He took a second to review the names. “Yeah, no.” His gaze flitted about the room. “We’re gonna go with Angelo, Scott, and … Clover.”

imagine your name being crossed off the list 😭 I would quit on the spot

Teddy reached out, running his fingers across the cotton, wool, and velvet portrait.

THAT IS PRICELESS ART

It was a little past eight thirty, and I was rummaging through the breakroom fridge looking for something to eat. The West Wing was like a ghost town with people heading out early to enjoy the weekend. I pulled out a glass container filled with pasta. It smelled like it was still good, but you can’t trust everyone’s cooking. The last thing I needed was to have my stomach churning all night. Pushing aside a bottle of apple juice, I found a roast beef sandwich still sealed in the packaging.

bestie are you stealing old food

“Do you sleep with every woman you're seen with?” I whispered, not wanting others on the dance floor to overhear our conversation. “Pretty much, yeah,” Teddy said, arching his eyebrow.

HES A WHORE you wanna get involved with that community dick like that

“OK, so if you don’t need me, why am I here?” “Because you have a dick, Seth,” I yelled.

girl ,, I’d be so hurt

“Tell me you didn’t sneak out of the White House?” I asked, shaking my head as we pulled off. “No. I just told the press pool I was in for the night and then … I snuck out of the White House.” Teddy slapped his knee, letting out a hearty laugh. “Theodore Elmsworth, this is negligent.” I narrowed my eyes.

Its giving Fitzgerald Thomas grant III

Fuck Rodney, he graduated with a 2.9 GPA. Are you really going to let a brother who couldn't identify Nairobi on a map block your blessings?

hey leave this man alone he tried his best 😭

“So, what is your viewing preference?” “Documentaries. I like learning new things.” Teddy pointed to my frowning expression. “What’s that face for?”

ha you should bully him over that LOL

“Do you really think I could do it?” His eyes grew wide. “You can do anything. You can captivate a room. Leave heads of state speechless. You can comfort a distraught mother who just lost her child. You can play dominos with my uncles and win. Clover Bennett, when the hell did you forget who you are?” Tears

he’s monologuing like papa pope

I heard Alan whisper to Jo, “Don’t get on the President’s bad side, he’ll have you and your colonizer family shipped back to Europe.”

I screamed

“You are a part of my life. But I’m trying to respect your privacy, and throwing you in the middle of a dinner party with my nosey friends is a lot.” Teddy nodded, pulling his member out of his sweatpants to pee. “OK.”

did you just watch him pee, and did the author just describe it 🤮

After the pictures were released, I couldn’t lie to my mother any longer. Believe me, I wanted to, but she knew me too well. So, I had to confess that I had been seeing Teddy for months. And do you know what the first words out of her mouth were? “Oh, so that’s why you got the job.”

no I wouldn’t talk to her for weeks if she said that to me on god that’s messed up

“You know what?” He lengthened his neck and squared his posture. “You’re right, we would have never worked because you’re a broken, bitter bitch who's gonna die alone.”

damn I’d never talk to him again after that