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But fuck him for making me face it. Fuck him for forcing me to unearth all the tragic pieces of me. For taking more of me than I was willing to give. Hollowing me out with his words, and demand, and fucking love until there wasn’t one part of me he hadn’t touched in some way. Threading himself into each piece of me until I was desperately holding on to the last sliver that was still only mine. Fuck him for making me love him too. And fuck me for not fighting it harder. I brought this on myself, all of it. Even all the poison spewed today. And I hate myself for it.
The ache in my heart is a physical thing trying to claw its way out to escape its misery. A full-body sob breaks free and I fold over, resting my hands on my knees, breathing slow and deep, trying to keep the cries at bay as I watch my shoes slowly sink into the mud the road has turned into.
“No.” I shake my head stubbornly. Knowing that if I get into that car with him right now, that will be it. There will be no going back for me. He’ll have all of me, every little jagged piece.
“You turned my whole damn life on its head. You fucking terrify me. My days, my decisions, my whole damn world begins and ends with you now and it’s so far out of my fucking control that I couldn’t change it even if I wanted to. So you don’t get to run because you’re scared and damaged.”
“We’re all damaged. Every single person who walks this earth is broken in some way. And maybe you won’t tell me your name…”
“And I know that your broken parts fit mine, which is so fucking rare. Most people go their entire lives without finding it. So ignore it all you want. Bury your head in the sand for however long you need to be okay with it. But you don’t get to run. I won’t let you.” He brings his lips right up to mine, kissing me softly. “I fucking love you and I don’t give a shit what your rules say about that.”
Maybe I’ll always be a being whose pieces are threaded together by tragedy.
There isn’t one moment I can point to. I only know that he picks locks. He picks locks and is ridiculous and clever and shines like the sun while doing it. And I think he started to pick mine somewhere along the way more than I noticed. Somewhere along the way, it stopped being about needing someone and became about needing him.
This promise from the universe, a certainty that no matter how dark things got, the sun would always rise. That one constant in a world full of ever-changing variables.”
“It’s just, for better or worse. He will always have a part of me that I’ll never get back, that I lost.”
“That’s just a part of being alive. Pain is going to find you in life whether you seek it or not. Better to experience the high and be a little bit broken from the story than spend your whole life fucking starving.”
“We don’t have to accept what they create. We don’t have to be the sum of their mistakes. We can choose what to keep, what to learn from, and what pain to discard for something greater.”
“These stars of ours were written in darkness and bound with light. Ensuring my soul would seek yours for eternity. Forever lost to this captivating insanity of we.”
“You know you have my heart, right?” I tell him, that damn pricking behind my eyes causing my voice to quietly break. “It’s yours, battered as it may be.”
I let his words wash over me as I take a few steadying breaths, their heartfelt caress enrapturing me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. Mind, heart, soul, and all the indefinable things that are the makeup of me in between. And I already know my answer, because I realized something out there in the mud and rain with him yesterday. He will forever own a part of me no one else has ever reached.
We fit each other, our jagged edges forming this magnificent unification of us.
