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Hamlet pondered to be or not to be. Tina Turner asked what’s love got to do with it. And this morning, I got stuck with my own eternal, soul-bursting question. Is Hutch Hawkins back?
He was the reason Britney Spears invented the word toxic. He was the reason why people willingly cried along to Adele songs.
One of the many things I loved about history was that it was one long story. The present was confusing and made no sense. Only when we looked back did we see the narrative logic of our lives.
“Did you two overlap at South Rock as students?” Aguilar asked. We overlapped a metric fuckton. Hutch and I were co-valedictorians of the graduating class of Awkward High.
I think being gay had given me the superpower of compartmentalization. Instead of using it to lead a double life, I used my powers for teaching the awesomeness of history while keeping Hutch in a very small box in my head.
I hadn’t had the best luck dating-wise. The most recent guy I dated tried to fake an orgasm when I was going down on him. I had to break the news that only worked with women.
We were nerds. None of us knew sportsball.
There was inherent loneliness in being gay. You had to face the world by yourself and slowly find allies.
Hutch Hawkins broke my heart once. I wasn’t going to let him do it again.
Straight people didn’t have to announce they were straight. The people that knew me knew the truth.
In ancient cultures, the sharing of food was symbolic of unification. And in modern times, Skittles were delicious.
hurting another person. And I couldn’t risk hurting myself. I might’ve been the one who mucked things up with Amos, but my heart broke, too. I put on a smile at prom for all to see, but when I got home, I sobbed on my bed until the sun came up the next morning. I didn’t know it was possible to miss somebody this hard, like every cell in my body ached.
Loneliness just becomes another layer of clothing you wear. You don’t even realize it’s on.
“I’m ridiculously handsome, charming as fuck, and above all, modest. What I’m not is oblivious.”
“Amos, I know I broke your heart before, but if you give me one more chance, I’ll never break it again.”
