Before We Were Innocent

by Ella Berman

I could remind her of how badly she’d betrayed me the last time we saw each other, how much we’d wanted to hurt each other back then and how stunningly we succeeded.

The problem is, Joni has always known who I am. And that’s exactly why she’s back.

I’ve taught myself to be smaller like this—less reckless than I was made.

I thought at first that she was the type of girl guys decided to fall in love with because her goodness reflected well on them, but that wasn’t quite right. She was more complicated than that.

One simple choice I made when I saw not only how the world expected me to behave but who they wanted me to be. So I made the choice to become who I wanted to be instead. Not only did I refuse to be defined by my past for a moment longer, but I refused to be defined by any other human in my life, whether that was a stranger behind a computer screen or my own mother. And now I’m here, standing in front of you, asking you to make that same choice.

We sounded frivolous at best, mercenary at worst, and maybe we were. But show me an eighteen-year-old saint, and I’ll show you a liar.

I tell myself that I must have misheard, since it would be an odd thing for Joni to lie about.

It’s the kind of place where your hardest decisions become clear as water, and you realize that not only do you know exactly what you need to be doing, but you had the answer all along.”

I don’t want to owe Joni any more than I already do, particularly if it means she’ll just cash in the favor when I least expect it. No questions asked, just an eye for an eye. Blind support in return for blind support, regardless of the consequences.

messy situation, but not a fatal one. This is the thought I cling to like a life raft as I close my eyes—the promise that Joni had dragged me into her nightmare only half-cognizant of just how much she was asking of me, even though I also realize just how low the fucking bar is at this point.

“Why didn’t they pursue it?” I ask, my voice thick with emotion. “If they thought that something didn’t add up, why didn’t they question it?” “For the same reason you never did,” Steven says quietly. “Joni is a fucking good liar.”

watch Joni’s shoulders slacken, and I know that I’ve finally relieved her of her worst secret, the one that comes for her at night.

“And the sad thing is, I probably would have covered for you back then, if you’d only told me the truth. Because at least it would have been my choice—a choice made for the right reasons, like you always say. But this time? You’ve lied to me one too many times for me

“I can’t save you anymore, Joni.”

Why was it so important to Joni that, even after all this time, even after everything she’d already taken from me, I was still the person to lie for her?

Sometimes we could be cruel for sport, yes, but most of the time we hurt each other to hide our own gaping wounds. To find out not just if we were enough for each other but if we would ever be enough for anyone.

don’t think any of us know what someone else is truly capable of,” Theo says. “Even when we love them. That’s part of the thrill of being alive.”