Reminders of Him

by Colleen Hoover

“How’s the house coming along?” Patrick asks. “Fine. I think I’m just a few months out from having it move-in ready.” “When are you putting your current house up for sale?” The thought of that makes me sink an inch deeper into my seat. Putting it up for sale will feel like selling off a piece of myself, for so many reasons. “I don’t know yet.” “I don’t want you to move,” Diem says. Those six words hit me right in the heart. “But you’ll get to go stay with him at his new house,” Grace says, attempting to reassure her. “He won’t be far.” “I like the house he has now,” Diem says with a pout. “I can walk there all by myself.” Diem is staring at her hands. I want to reach over and pull her out of Grace’s lap and hug her and tell her I’ll never leave her, but it would be a lie. I wish I would have waited just six months before deciding to build that house back when Diem was younger. Six months would have been plenty of time to know that the little girl Grace and Patrick were raising would infiltrate my life and my heart as if I made her myself. “Diem will be fine,” Grace reassures me. She must be deciphering the look on my face right now. “It’s twenty minutes. Hardly anything will change.” I stare at Diem, and she looks up at me, and I swear I can see tears in her eyes. But she closes them and curls into Grace before I can be sure.

“It was honestly so stupid when I look back on it,” he says. “The whole breakup. We got in an argument about kids we don’t even have yet.” “And that ended your engagement?” He nods. “Yep.” “What was the argument?” “She asked me if I was going to love my future kids more than I love Diem. And I said no, I would love them all the same.” “That made her angry?” “It bothered her how much time I spent with Diem. She said when we started a family of our own one day, I’d have to spend less time focusing on Diem and more time on our family. It was like an epiphany.

“Leah sounds like a terrible bitch.” I’m half kidding when I say it, which is why Ledger laughs. But the more I think about it, the more irritated I get. “Seriously, though. Screw her for thinking Diem isn’t worthy of the same love as kids who don’t even exist yet.” “Exactly. Everyone thought I was crazy for breaking up with her, but to me it was a precursor to all the potential problems we’d be facing down the road.” He smiles at me. “Look at you being an overprotective mother. I don’t feel so crazy now.” As soon as he says that—acknowledges me as Diem’s mother—my face falls. It was a simple sentence, but it meant everything to hear it come from him. Even if it slipped out by accident. Ledger straightens up and then locks his truck. “I better get inside; the parking lot looked packed.” He never said what he left to go do for several hours tonight, but I have a feeling he was doing something with Diem. But he could have also been on a date, which unnerves me almost as much. I’m not allowed to be in my own daughter’s life, but whoever Ledger decides to date gets to be in her life, and that automatically makes me jealous of whatever girl that ends up being. At least it won’t be Leah. Screw her.

“Can I read it?” “No.” Ledger’s eyes meet mine briefly. Then he looks in front of him and flips on his blinker to turn onto my street. He pulls into a parking spot and leaves his truck running. I don’t know if I should get out immediately, or if there’s anything left to be said between us. I put my hand on the door handle. “Thank you for the job.” Ledger taps the steering wheel with his thumb and nods. “I’d say you earned it. The kitchen hasn’t been that organized since I’ve owned the building, and you’ve only worked one shift.” His compliment feels good. I absorb it and then tell him good night. As much as I want to look back at him when I get out of his truck, I keep my focus ahead of me. I listen for him to back out, but he doesn’t, which makes me think he watches me as I walk all the way up to my apartment. Once I’m inside, Ivy immediately runs up to me. I pick her up and leave the lights off as I walk to the window to peek out. Ledger is just sitting in his truck, staring up at my apartment. I immediately press my back against the wall next to the window. Finally, I hear his engine rev up as he backs out of the parking spot. “Ivy,” I whisper, scratching her head. “What are we doing?”

It’s too loud in the truck, and I feel like I need to warn her, so I roll up my window as I pick up speed. “They filed a restraining order against you.” I see her look at me out of the corner of my eye. “Are you serious?” “Yes. I wanted to give you a heads-up before you get served papers.”

“She takes dance,” I say, answering her earlier question about Diem. I put my truck in park and pull up the video from her recital. “That’s where I was last night. She had a recital.” I hand Kenna the phone. She watches the first several seconds with a straight face and then bursts into laughter. I hate that I love watching Kenna’s face when she watches videos of Diem. It does something to me. Makes me feel something I probably shouldn’t be feeling. But I like the feeling, and it makes me wonder what it would be like getting to witness Kenna and Diem interact in real life. Kenna watches the video three times with a huge smile on her face. “She’s horrible!” It makes me laugh. There’s a joy to her voice that isn’t usually there, and I wonder if that joy would always be present if Diem were a part of Kenna’s life. “Does she like dance?” Kenna asks. I shake my head. “No. After the recital was over, she said she wanted to quit and do ‘that thing with the swords.’” “Fencing?” “She wants to try everything. All the time. But she never sticks to anything because she gets bored with it and thinks the next thing will be more interesting.” “They say boredom is a sign of intelligence,” Kenna says. “She’s very smart, so that would make sense.”

She’s right. In the end, if there’s nothing good going on in your life, almost every song becomes depressing, no matter what it’s about. I put it on shuffle to match my mood.

“Is he nice?” I ask her. “He has a PlayStation.” “But is he nice?” “He has lots of Pokémon cards.” “Is he nice, though?” I repeat. She shrugs. “I don’t know. I’ll have to ask him.” I smile. “Yes. Do that. You should only marry people who are nice to you.”

“You really don’t know this story?” I shake my head. “I’ve been sort of preoccupied for several years.” He laughs quietly. “Yeah. I guess so. I’ll give you the condensed version.” He opens the door and starts grabbing chairs. “I had to have knee surgery after the injury,” Roman says. “I was in a lot of pain. Got addicted to pain pills and spent every penny I made in the NFL on my addiction.” He sets two chairs outside the door and then grabs two more. “Let’s just say I fucked up my life pretty good. Word got back to Ledger, and he tracked me down. I think he felt somewhat responsible, even though what he did to my knee was an accident. But he showed up when everyone else bowed out. He made sure I got the help I needed.” I don’t know what to do with all the information he just handed me. “Oh. Wow.”

That’s honestly kind of adorable. “Hopefully you like coffee.” “I survive on coffee. You don’t want to be around me if I haven’t had it.” Roman’s eyes lock on something behind me. I turn around to find Ledger standing between his truck and the back door to the bar. He’s staring at us.

“I’m not making her off limits because I’m jealous. I need her to leave town so Patrick and Grace’s life can go back to normal.” Roman laughs. “You are so full of shit. You played in the NFL. You own a lucrative business. You’re building a ridiculous fucking house. You aren’t broke, Ledger. If you wanted her to leave town, you would have written her a check to get rid of her.” I’m tense as fuck, so I tilt my head to the side until my neck pops. “She wouldn’t have taken a handout.” “Did you even try?” I didn’t have to. I know Kenna, and she wouldn’t have taken a handout. “Just be careful with her, Roman. She’d do anything to be in Diem’s life.” “Well, at least we agree on that part,” he says, right before disappearing into the stairwell to his apartment. Fuck him. Fuck him because he’s right.

“Roman is my best friend,” he says. “No offense, but I barely know you, Kenna.” He might not know me, but he feels like the only person I know. “I still don’t know if what happened between us the first night you showed up at my bar was authentic, or if it was all an act to get to Diem.”

Ledger dips his head until our eyes meet again. He’s looking at me pointedly when he says, “There is nothing in this world that would make me happier than you getting to meet Diem. If I knew how to change their minds, I would do it in a heartbeat, Kenna.” My breath shakes upon release. His confession is everything I needed to hear. I close my eyes because I don’t want to cry and I don’t want to watch him leave, but until this moment, I wasn’t sure if he even wanted me in Diem’s life.

Heat pulses through me like a heartbeat, and I sigh into his mouth. His tongue skims my top lip, fogging my thoughts. He cradles my head and deepens our kiss, and it’s intoxicating. His mouth is warmer than I remember it being the first time we kissed. His hands feel more gentle; his tongue feels less daring. There’s a carefulness in his kiss—one I’m too afraid to dissect because I already feel so much it’s dizzying. The warmth of him envelops me, and just when I start to cling to him, he pulls away. I suck in air while he studies my face. It’s as if he’s trying to get a read on my expression, scanning me for signs of regret or desire. I’m sure he can see both. I want his kiss, but the thought of having to say goodbye to more than just the idea of Diem is enough to stop me from allowing this to happen. Because the closer I grow to Ledger, both emotionally and physically, the more I’d be putting his relationship with Diem at risk. As much as his kiss makes me feel, it’s nothing compared to the heartache that would follow if the Landrys found out he’s seeing me behind their backs. I can’t have that hanging over my head. He starts to lean in again, making my entire body feel unstable, but I somehow find the strength to shake my head. “Please don’t,” I whisper. “It hurts enough already.” Ledger pauses right before his mouth connects with mine. He draws back and lifts his hand, gently gliding his fingertips over my jaw. “I know. I’m sorry.” We both fall quiet. Unmoving. I wish ...

I could fucking punch myself for last night. She drops her bag between us and pulls an envelope out of it. She shoves it at me. “I got it. The restraining order. I was served as I was walking out of the store to put groceries into someone’s car. It was mortifying, Ledger.”

I fold it back up and stick it in her purse. “It doesn’t mean anything,” I say, attempting to comfort her with my lie. “It means everything. It’s a message. They want me to know they aren’t changing their minds.” She pulls on her seat belt. Her eyes and cheeks are red, but she isn’t crying. It looks like she’s probably cried it out already, and I got to her in the aftermath.

“Banana and lemonade.” He looks over at me after taking a bite. “That’s her favorite combination.” I smile. “Is yellow her favorite color?” He nods.

“Sit. Let’s stay until the sun sets.” I sit back down, and it takes about ten minutes for the sun to sink down into the trees. Neither of us talks. We just watch the rays disappear, and the tips of the trees return to their natural, fireless colors. It’s dusk now, and without electricity, the house behind us is quickly growing dark. Ledger has a contemplative look about him when he says, “I feel guilty.” Welcome to my constant state. “Why?” “For building this house. I feel like Scotty would be disappointed in me. Diem gets so sad every time we bring up the fact that I’m putting my other house up for sale.” “Why did you build this house, then?” “It’s been my dream for a long time now. I bought the land and started drafting the design back when Diem was just a baby. Before I knew how much I would love her.” He cuts his eyes to mine. “Don’t get me wrong, I loved her then, but it was different. She started to walk and talk, and

And over time, this place started to feel less like my future home and more like . . .” He tries to come up with the word, but he can’t. “A prison?” Ledger looks at me like I’m the first person to understand him. “Yes. Exactly. I feel like I’m locked into it now, but the idea of not seeing Diem every day is really starting to weigh on me. It’ll change our relationship. With my schedule, I’ll probably see her once a week if I’m lucky. I think that’s why I’ve been taking my time building it. I don’t know that I’m really looking forward to moving out here.” “Then sell it.” He laughs, like that’s an absurd idea. “I’m serious. I’d much rather you live across the street from my daughter than clear across town. I know I can’t be in her life like I wish I could, but there’s some comfort in knowing you are.” Ledger stares at me for a long beat after I say that. Then he stands up and reaches out for my hand. “We should get to work.” “Yeah. Don’t want to piss off the boss.” I grab his hand and stand up, and when I do, I’m suddenly way too close to him. He doesn’t back away or let go of my hand, and now he’s looking at me from just a few inches away with an intensity I feel slide down my spine. Ledger threads his fingers through mine, and when our palms touch, the feeling that surges through me makes me wince. Ledger feels it, too; I can see it in the way his eyes fill with torment. Funny how something that should feel so good can feel so painful when the circumstances aren’t right. A...

She looks surprised. “Am I being fired?” “No. Of course not.” I inhale a breath in preparation for the honesty I’m about to spill. “We both know I hired you for selfish reasons, Kenna. If you ever get to the point where you want to leave town and you need money, all you have to do is ask. You don’t have to work for it.” She’s looking at me like I’ve just punched her in the gut. She stands up and starts pacing while she processes this conversation. “Do you want me to leave town?” Fuck. I brought her in here to try to make her life easier, but I’m saying everything wrong. I shake my head. “No.” I reach out and encircle her wrist with my fingers to stop her from pacing.

When I push open the door to the alley, I find Kenna leaning against the building with her arms folded over her chest. She looks up at me as soon as I walk outside, and I can see the immediate relief wash over her. She was jealous. She tries to hide it by forcing a smile, but I saw the look on her face before she shoved it away. I walk over to her and mimic her position against the wall. “Mary Anne was lying. Leah wasn’t here; she made that up.” She narrows her eyes in confusion. “Why would she . . .” Kenna stops talking, and a small smile spreads across her lips. “Wow. Mary Anne is messy.” She doesn’t seem angry that Mary Anne lied. She appears impressed. Her smile makes me smile, and then I say, “You were jealous.” Kenna rolls her eyes. “I was not.” “You were.”

I fucking like her, and the more I’m around her, the more I don’t want to be apart from her. “I’m putting in my two-week notice,” she says. Shit. I chew on my lip until I’m positive I won’t drop to my knees and beg her to stay. “Why?” She hesitates and then says, “You know why.” She disappears back inside the building, and I sit in my fucking feelings. I stare at my truck with an intense urge to drive straight to Patrick and Grace’s house and tell them all about Kenna. I want to tell them how selfless she is. I want to tell them what a hard worker she is. I want to tell them how forgiving she is, because every single one of us has been making her life a living hell, yet she somehow doesn’t seem to resent us for it. I want to tell Patrick and Grace every wonderful thing about Kenna, but even more than that, I want to tell Kenna how wrong I was when I told her Diem wouldn’t benefit from having her in her life. Who am I to say that to a mother about her own child? Who the fuck am I to make that kind of judgment?

What do you want, Ledger?” He calmly leans against the counter. We’re just a couple of feet apart when he says, “I want to get to know you better.” I wasn’t expecting him to say that, so of course I look over at him and then immediately regret it because he’s standing so close to me. “What do you want to know?” “More about you. Your likes, your dislikes, your goals. What do you want to do with your life?”

“I’ve always wanted to be a locksmith.” That makes Ledger laugh. “A locksmith?” I nod. “Why a locksmith?” “Because no one can be mad at a locksmith. They show up to help when people are in a crisis. I think it would be a rewarding job to make people’s shitty days a little bit better.” Ledger nods appreciatively. “I can’t say I’ve ever met anyone who wanted to be a locksmith.” “Well. Now you have. Next question.”

“Why did you choose the name Diem?” I turn his question around on him before answering it. “Why did the Landrys choose not to change the name I gave her?” He works his jaw back and forth. “They were worried that maybe you and Scotty had discussed what to name her, and Diem was a name Scotty chose.” “Scotty never even knew I was pregnant.” “Did you know you were pregnant?” he asks. “Before Scotty died?” I shake my head. My voice is a whisper when I say, “No. I never would have pleaded guilty if I knew I was pregnant with Diem.” He concentrates on that reply. “Why did you plead guilty?” I hug myself. My eyes start to sting, so I take a moment to breathe through the memory before answering him. “I wasn’t in a good headspace,” I admit. I don’t elaborate, though. I can’t. Ledger doesn’t come back with another question right away. He lets silence fill the room, and then he empties it by saying, “Where would we be right now if I didn’t know Scotty?” “What do you mean?” His eyes fall briefly to my mouth. It’s a flicker of a gaze, but I see it. I feel it. “The night we met at the bar. You said you didn’t know who I was. What if I was just some random guy who didn’t know Diem or Scotty or you? What do you think would have happened between us that night?” “A lot more than what did happen,” I admit. He rolls his throat as if he swallowed that answer. He stares at me and I stare back, waiting anxiously for his next question or thought or move. “I sometimes wonder if we’d even be talkin...

“I wasn’t insulting you,” he says, his breath grazing my cheek. “I was just working through some thoughts out loud.” He presses the side of his head to mine, and I squeeze my eyes shut because he feels so good. I forgot what it felt like for someone else to need me. Want me. Like me. Ledger keeps us wrapped tightly together when he says, “In a matter of a few weeks, I went from hating you to liking you to wanting the world for you, so forgive me if those feelings sometimes overlap.” I relate to that more than he knows. I sometimes want to scream at him for having been a wall between me and my daughter, but at the same time, I want to kiss him for loving her enough to be a wall of protection for her. His finger meets my chin, and he tilts my focus up to his. “I wish I could take back what I said to you when I told you Diem wouldn’t benefit from you being in her life.” He slides his hands into my hair and looks at me with sincerity. “She would be lucky to have a woman like you in her life. You’re selfless and you’re kind and you’re strong. You’re everything I want Diem to be someday.” He wipes away a tear that falls down my cheek. “And I don’t know how I can change their minds, but I’m going to try. I want to fight for you because I know that’s what Scotty would want me to do.” I have no idea what to do with all the feelings his words just brought out. Ledger doesn’t kiss me, but that’s only because I kiss him first. I press my mouth to his because nothing I could say would ...

It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I feel like I should warn him. He starts to walk me backward toward the inflatable mattress. He lowers me onto it and starts to remove the rest of my clothes. As he’s working my jeans down my legs, I say, “I haven’t been with anyone since Scotty.” His eyes meet mine after he pulls off my jeans, and there’s a calming reassurance in his expression. He lowers himself on top of me and presses a soft kiss to my mouth. “It’s okay to change your mind.” I shake my head. “I’m not. I just wanted you to know it’s been a while. In case I’m not very . . .” He cuts me off with another kiss; then he says, “You’ve already exceeded my expectations, Kenna.” He moves his mouth to my neck, and I feel his tongue drag up my throat.

“Kenna.” I can barely open my eyes and look at him. His lips graze mine and he whispers, “This is too good. Fuck. Fuck, I have to stop.” He pulls out of me, and when he does, I whimper. It’s an immediate emptiness I wasn’t prepared for. Ledger remains on top of me and slides two fingers inside of me, so I don’t even have time to complain before I’m moaning again. He kisses the spot just below my ear. “I’m sorry, but I won’t last long when I’m back inside you.” I don’t even care. I just want him to keep doing what he’s doing with his hand. I wrap my arm around his neck and pull him down. I want all his weight pressed against me.

We laugh together, but then we both sigh and listen to the rain for a while. Ledger eventually puts a hand on my hip and rolls me toward him. He nips at my bottom lip before kissing my neck. “I feel like I need another opportunity to prove myself.” His kisses move lower and lower until he takes one of my nipples into his mouth. The second time is much longer, and somehow even better.

“I know. But why are you and NoNo giving Nana flowers for Mother’s Day? You said Robin is your mother.” “Robin is my mother,” I say. “And your grandma Landry is NoNo’s mother. That’s why you’re going to see her today. But on Mother’s Day, if you know a mother that you love, you buy her flowers even if she isn’t your mother.” Diem crinkles up her nose. “Am I supposed to give my mother flowers?” She’s really been working through the whole family tree lately, and it’s cute, but also concerning. She’s eventually going to find out her family tree was once struck by lightning. Patrick finally chimes in. “We gave your nana her flowers last night, remember?” Diem shakes her head. “No. I’m talking about my mother that isn’t here. The one with the tiny car. Are we supposed to give her flowers?”

I pull up to Kenna’s apartment a few hours later and am halfway to the stairs when I spot her out back. She’s cleaning off the table I lent her when she notices me. Her eyes fall to the flowers in my hand, and she stiffens. I walk closer to her, but she’s still staring at the flowers. I hand them to her. “Happy Mother’s Day.” I’ve already put the flowers in a vase because I wasn’t sure if she even had one. Based on the look on her face, I’m wondering if maybe I shouldn’t have bought her flowers. Maybe celebrating Mother’s Day before she’s even met her child is uncomfortable. I don’t know, but I feel like I should have put more thought into this moment. She takes them from me with hesitation, like she’s never been given a gift before. Then she looks at me, and very quietly, she says, “Thank you.” She means it. The way her eyes tear up immediately convinces me bringing them was the right move.

“You said you wrote about it. Will you read it to me?” Her expression is filled with what looks like fear now, like she’s too scared to go back to that night. Or too scared to take me there with her. I don’t blame her, and I feel bad asking her to, but I want to know. I need to know. If I’m going to drop to my knees in front of Patrick and Grace when I beg them to give her a chance, I need to fully know the person I’m fighting for. Even though at this point she couldn’t say anything that would change my mind about her. I know she’s a good person. A good person who had one bad night. It happens to the best of us. The worst of us. All of us. Some of us are just luckier than others, and our bad moments have fewer casualties. I adjust my grip on the steering wheel, and then I say, “Please. I need to know, Kenna.”

“I want meatloaf,” you said. I laughed at you, because it was such a random thing to say. “Meatloaf?” You grinned and said, “Yeah. Doesn’t that sound good? Meatloaf and mashed potatoes.” You sat up on the dock and handed me my dry shirt. “Let’s go to the diner.” You’d had more to drink than me, so you asked me to drive. It wasn’t like us to drink and drive, but I think we felt invincible under that moonlight. We were young and in love, and surely no one dies when they’re at their happiest.

Because surely no one dies when they’re at their happiest

There was before you and there was during you. For some reason, I never thought there would be an after you. But there was, and I was in it. I’ll be in it forever.

wow

It’s the time you spent alone that night that I know haunts us all, because we’ll never know what you went through. What you were thinking. Who you were calling out to. What your final minutes were like. I can’t imagine a more painful way for your mother and father to be forced to live out the rest of their lives. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why Diem is here. Maybe Diem was your way of making sure your parents would be okay. But in that same vein, not having Diem in my life would mean it’s your way of punishing me. It’s okay. I deserve it.

oh god

Agony spreads across his face as he continues. “What if Scotty can see how we’ve been treating you?” A tear forms and spills down his cheek. Just one lonely tear, and it makes me so sad. “I’m part of everything that’s been tearing you down all these years, and I’m sorry, Kenna. I’m so sorry.” I place my hand over his chest, right over his heart. “It’s okay. What I wrote doesn’t change anything. It was still my fault.” “It’s not okay. None of this is okay.” He’s cradling me in his arms with his cheek pressed against the top of my head. He runs his right hand in soothing circles over my back. He holds me like that for a long time. I don’t want him to let go. He’s the first person I’ve been able to share the full details of that night with, and I wasn’t sure if it would make things better or worse. But this feels better, so maybe that means something. I feel like a weight has been lifted. It’s not the weight of the anchor that keeps me tethered under the surface—that won’t be lifted until I get to hold my daughter. But a small portion of my pain has attached to his sympathy, and it feels like he’s physically lifting me up for air, allowing me a few minutes to breathe. He eventually pulls back far enough to assess me. He must see something on my face that makes him want to comfort me because he presses a soft kiss to my forehead while brushing my hair back tenderly. He kisses the tip of my nose and then plants a soft peck on my lips. I don’t think he expected me to kiss him ba...

“You told me she was leaving town last time we talked,” she says. “She is.” I feel guilty when I say that because I’m hoping with everything in me that it isn’t true. “Or she was. I don’t know anymore.” “Do Patrick and Grace know the two of you are . . .” “No.” My mother blows out a soft breath. “What are you doing?” “I don’t know,” I say honestly. “This isn’t going to end well.” “I know.” “Do you love her?” I blow out a heavy, slow rush of air. “I definitely don’t hate her anymore.” She takes a sip of her wine and gives this conversation a moment to settle. “Well. I hope you do the right thing.” I lift an eyebrow. “What’s the right thing?” My mother shrugs. “I don’t know. I just hope you do it.” I release a short laugh. “Thanks for the nonadvice.” “That’s what I’m here for. To tiptoe around this thing they call parenting.” She smiles and reaches across the bar to squeeze my hand. “I know you’d rather be with her right now. We don’t mind if you abandon us tonight.” There’s a moment of hesitation on my part, not because I don’t want to go to Kenna’s place, but because I’m surprised my mother knows who she is, yet she’s still okay with it. “Do you blame Kenna?” I ask her after a short pause. My mother looks at me honestly. “Scotty wasn’t my child, so I felt sorry for everyone involved. Even Kenna. But if what happened to Scotty had happened to you, I can’t say that I would make a different choice than Patrick and Grace. I think there’s room in a tragedy this size for everyon...

Whatever happens, I’ll always be grateful to him for the forgiveness he gave me, whether I get it from anyone else or not. I turn around and face him; then I lift my hand and touch his cheek. “I would have fallen for you even if you didn’t love Diem.” His expression shifts, and then he kisses the inside of my palm. “I fell for you because of how much you do.” Dammit, Ledger. I kiss him for that.

Something is bothering him, and it’s serious. I attempt to alleviate the tension by casually saying, “When did you guys get back?” “This morning,” he says. “Where were you?” He asks it like he’s my father and he’s pissed I snuck out in the middle of the night. I don’t even know what to say. I’m searching for whatever lie would fit this moment the best, but none of them seem to fit. I can’t say I was parked in my garage, because my parents’ RV is in the way. I can’t say I was home, because obviously my truck hasn’t been here. Patrick shakes his head. His face is filled with galaxy-size disappointment. “He was your best friend, Ledger.” I try to hide my inhale. I shove my hands in my pockets and look at my feet. Why is he saying this? I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what he knows. I don’t know how he knows. “We saw your truck at her apartment this morning.” His voice is low, and he’s not looking at me. It’s like he can’t stand the person standing across from him. “I was certain it was a coincidence. That someone who has a truck just like yours lived in the building, but when I pulled up next to it to get a better look, I saw Diem’s car seat.” “Patrick—”

“It was an accident, Patrick.” My voice is almost a whisper. “She loved Scotty. She panicked and made the wrong choice, but she paid for that choice. At what point can we stop blaming her?” He chooses to answer that question with his fist. He punches me hard in the mouth. I do nothing, because I feel so guilty that they found out this way I’d let him punch me a million more times, and I still wouldn’t defend myself. “Hey!” My father is running out of my house, heading toward us. Patrick hits me again, right when Grace runs out her front door. My father pushes himself between us before Patrick can get in a third punch. “What the hell, Pat?” my dad yells. Patrick doesn’t look at him. He’s looking at me without even an ounce of regret. I take a step forward to plead with him because I don’t want this conversation to end now that it’s finally out there, but Diem runs outside. Patrick doesn’t see her before he tries to lunge at me again. “For Christ’s sake!” my dad yells, pushing him back. “Stop it!” Diem starts crying when she takes in the commotion. Grace reaches for her and starts to take Diem in the house, but Diem wants me. She’s reaching for me, and I don’t know what to do. “I want to go with Ledger,” Diem pleads. Grace half turns and looks at me. I can tell by the look of betrayal on her face that she might even be hurting more than Patrick is right now. “Grace, please. Just hear me out.” She turns her back to me and disappears with Diem inside her house. I can hear Diem...

My father releases my arm. He moves so that he’s in front of me, and I’m sure he’s going to try to calm me down, but I don’t give him the opportunity. I walk to my truck and I leave. I go to the bar, but instead of going inside, I beat on the door to Roman’s stairwell. I beat constantly until he opens it. He looks confused, but then he sees my busted lip, and he says, “Ah, hell.” He steps aside and then follows me up the stairs to his apartment. I go to the kitchen and wet some paper towels to wipe the blood from my mouth. “What happened?” “I spent the night with Kenna. The Landrys found out.” “Patrick did that?” I nod. Roman’s eyes narrow. “You didn’t hit him back, did you? He’s like sixty years old.” “Of course not, but not because of his age. He’s as strong as I am. I didn’t hit him back because I deserved this.” I pull the paper towel from my mouth, and the whole thing is covered with blood. I walk to the bathroom and inspect my face. My eye looks okay. It’ll probably be a little bruised, but my lip is sliced up on the inside. I think he hit me so hard my tooth cut through my lip. “Fuck.” Blood is pouring out of my mouth. “I think I need stitches.” Roman looks at my mouth and then winces. “Shit, man.” He grabs a washcloth and wets it, then hands it to me and says, “Come on, I’ll drive you to the ER.”

“I need money.” Ledger looks at me like he didn’t understand the question, or he can’t process why I need money. “I need to move, Ledger. I can pay you back, but I need to leave, and I don’t have enough money to get a new place. I can’t stay here.” “Wait,” he says, stepping toward me. “You’re leaving? You’re giving up?” His choice of words makes me angry. “I’d say I tried pretty damn hard. They have a restraining order against me—I wouldn’t call that giving up.” “What about us? You’re just going to walk away?” “Don’t be an asshole. This is harder for me than it is for you. At least you still get Diem in the end.” He grips my shoulders, but I look away from him, so he moves his hands to the sides of my head. He tilts my face and directs my focus back to his. “Kenna, don’t. Please. Wait a few weeks. Let’s just see what happens.” “We know what happens. We’ll keep seeing each other in secret, and we’ll fall in love, but they won’t change their minds and I’ll still have to leave, but it’ll hurt a hell of a lot worse in a few weeks than if I were to just leave right now.” I walk to the closet and grab my suitcase. I open it and toss it on the inflatable mattress and start throwing my shit in it. I can take a bus to the next town and then stay in a hotel until I figure out where to go. “I need money,” I say again. “I’ll pay you back every cent, Ledger. I promise.” Ledger stomps over to me and shuts my suitcase. “Stop it.” He makes me turn and face him by pulling me in and wrappin...

After breaking our kiss, he looks at me with determination when he says, “I am going to be the best person I can be for your daughter. I promise. I’m going to give her the best life, and when she asks about her mother, I’m going to tell her what a wonderful person you are. I’ll make sure she grows up knowing how much you love her.” I’m a fucking mess now, because I’m going to miss him so, so much. He presses his swollen mouth to mine, and I kiss him gently because I don’t want to hurt him. Then our foreheads meet. It looks like he’s struggling to keep his composure. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you.” He starts to back away, pulling apart from me, and it hurts too much to watch him go, so I stare at the floor. There’s something beneath my feet. It looks like a business card, so I slide off the counter and pick it up. It’s Ledger’s snow cone punch card. It must have fallen out of his wallet when he took everything out of it. “Ledger, wait.” I meet him at the door and hand him his card. “You need this,” I say, sniffling back tears. “You’re so close to a free snow cone.” He laughs through his pain, taking the card from me. But then he winces and drops his forehead to mine. “I’m so angry at them, Kenna. This isn’t fair.” It isn’t. But it isn’t up to us. I kiss him one last time, and then I squeeze his hand and look at him pleadingly. “Don’t hate them. Okay? They’re giving my little girl a good life. Please don’t hate them.” He barely nods, but it’s a nod. When he lets go o...

“So, this is your turtle, huh?” Diem sits up and beams a smile. “Yep.” She picks him up, and we meet at her bed. I sit down and lean against the headboard. She crawls to the middle of the bed and hands me the turtle, then curls up at my side. I place him on my leg, and he starts to crawl toward my knee. “Why did NoNo hit you?” She’s looking at my lip when she asks this. “Sometimes adults make bad decisions, D. I said something that hurt his feelings, and he got upset. It’s not his fault. It was my fault.” “Are you mad at him?” “No.” “Is NoNo still mad?” More than likely. “No.” I want to change the subject. “What’s your turtle’s name?” Diem picks him up and lays him on her lap. “Ledger.” I laugh. “You’re naming the turtle after me?” “Yes. Because I love you.” She says that in the sweetest voice, and it makes my heart clench. I wish Kenna could be the recipient of Diem’s words right now.

I should have been doing it all along. And what’s best for Diem is having her mother in her life. It’s why I did what I did before I left Kenna’s apartment. As soon as Kenna closed her bathroom door, I closed her apartment door and pretended to leave. Instead, I grabbed her phone. The password was an easy guess—Diem’s birthday. I opened her Google Docs and found the file with all the letters she’s written to Scotty, and I forwarded the file to my email address before sneaking out. I stay in Diem’s bedroom and pull up Patrick and Grace’s printer network on my phone. I open my email and find the letter Kenna read to me, and I skip over all the rest of the letters she’s written Scotty. I’ve already violated her privacy enough by using her phone and forwarding these to myself. I don’t plan to read any of the others unless she tells me I can someday. Tonight, I just need one of the letters. I hit print, and I close my eyes and listen for the sound of the printer to activate in Patrick’s office across the hall. I wait until it finishes printing, and then I sneak out of Diem’s bed and wait a moment in her room to make sure I didn’t wake her up. She’s sound asleep, so I slip out of her room and into Patrick’s office. I grab the letter off the printer and make sure all of it printed. “Wish me luck, Scotty,” I whisper. When I emerge from the hallway, they’re both in the kitchen. Grace is looking at her phone, and Patrick is emptying the dishwasher. They both look up at the same time...

I blow out an unsteady breath. “Every decision I make is for Diem. I ended my engagement with a woman I loved because I wasn’t sure she would be good enough for that little girl. That should tell you that I would never put my own happiness before Diem’s. I know you both know that, and I also know you’re just trying to protect yourselves from the pain Kenna’s actions caused. But you’re taking the worst moment of Kenna’s life and you’re making that moment who she is. That isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to Kenna. It isn’t fair to Diem. I’m starting to wonder if it’s even fair to Scotty.” I hold up the pages in my hand. “She writes letters to him. To Scotty. She’s been doing it for five years. This is the only one I’ve read, but it was enough to change my entire opinion of her.” I pause, and then backtrack on my words. “Actually, that’s not true. I forgave Kenna before I even knew the contents of the letter. But the second she read this out loud to me, I realized she’s been hurting just as much as all of us have. And we’re slowly killing her by continuing to drag out her pain.” I squeeze my forehead and put even more emphasis on the words I’m about to speak. “We are keeping a mother from her child. That’s not okay. Scotty would be so mad at us.” It grows quiet when I stop speaking. Too quiet. It’s like they aren’t even breathing. I hand Grace the letter. “It’ll be hard to read. But I’m not asking you to read it because I’m in love with Kenna. I’m asking you to read it because your ...

I take a seat next to her. She looks up from her book and smiles, but when she sees the look on my face, she closes the paperback. I drop my head in my hands and I start to cry. I can’t help it. I feel like the lives of everyone I love are hanging on this moment, and it’s fucking overwhelming. “Ledger,” my mother says. “Oh, honey.” She wraps her arm around me and hugs me.

It’s a knock. I slip off my headphones and hear it even louder this time. Someone is definitely knocking at my front door. My heart rate speeds up because I don’t want it to be Ledger, but I need it to be Ledger. One more kiss wouldn’t break me. Maybe. I tiptoe toward the door and look through the peephole. It’s Ledger.

Grace walks into my line of sight. I immediately slap my hand over my mouth, because I wasn’t expecting her and I haven’t been face to face with her since before Scotty died and I had no idea it would knock the breath out of me. I don’t know what it means. I refuse to let myself think this means anything at all, but there’s too much hope inside me to keep buried in her presence. I back into my apartment, but tears are spilling from my eyes. There’s so much I want to say to her. So many apologies. So many promises. Grace steps inside my apartment, and Ledger stays outside but closes the door to give us privacy. I grab a paper towel and wipe at my eyes. It’s pointless. I don’t think I’ve cried like this since I gave birth to Diem and watched them take her away from me. “I’m not here to upset you,” Grace says. Her voice is gentle. So is her expression. I shake my head. “It’s not . . . I’m sorry. I need a minute before I can . . . talk.”