Reminders of Him

by Colleen Hoover

I want to learn how to talk to people without wishing I could retract every word I said. I want to be good at feeling things when a guy touches my waist. I want to be good at life. I want to make it look effortless, but up until this point, I’ve made every aspect of life appear entirely too difficult to navigate.

I take a drink of my coffee and close my eyes and cry because life can be so fucking cruel and hard, and I’ve wanted to

quit living it so many times, but then moments like these remind me that happiness isn’t some permanent thing we’re all trying to achieve in life, it’s merely a thing that shows up every now and then, sometimes in tiny doses that are just substantial enough to keep us going.

I want good things for her because it seems like she hasn’t had a good thing in a long, long time.

People say you fall in love, but fall is such a sad word when you think about it. Falls are never good. You fall on the ground, you fall behind, you fall to your death. Whoever was the first person to say they fell in love must have already fallen out of it. Otherwise, they’d have called it something much better.

“I fucking love you, Kenna. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I miss you all the time, even when we’re together.” That stuck with me. “I miss you all the time, even when we’re together.”

She’s quiet, but she’s said just enough to make me want the rest of her words.

So, you decide right now, right here. Are you gonna live in your sadness or are you gonna die in it?”

“Regret keeps you stuck on pause. So does prison. When you get out of here, make sure you hit play so you don’t forget to move forward.”

We’re all just a bunch of sad people doing what we have to do to make it until tomorrow. Some of us sadder than others. Some of us more willing to forgive than others.

Little did I know, that feeling would become perpetual. Permanent. I knew when they put me in the back seat of the police car that my life had reached its peak with you, and nothing that came after you would ever matter. There was before you and there was during you. For some reason, I never thought there would be an after you.

But there was, and I was in it.

I’ll be in it ...

“I would have fallen for you even if you didn’t love Diem.” His expression shifts, and then he kisses the inside of my palm. “I fell for you because of how much you do.”

There are people who find peace in forgiveness, and then there are others who look at forgiveness as a betrayal.

I nod, because I can do that. I forgive them. I’ve always forgiven them. It’s myself I’ve been hard on. But I think I’ve reached the point that forgiving myself finally feels okay. So I do. You’re forgiven, Kenna.

Maybe it doesn’t matter whether something is a coincidence or a sign. Maybe the best way to cope with the loss of the people we love is to find them in as many places and things as we possibly can. And in the off chance that the people we lose are still somehow able to hear us, maybe we should never stop talking to them.

“I’m going to be so good to your girls, Scotty. I promise.”

Now that I’ve forgiven myself, the reminders of him only make me smile.