Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture

by Sherronda J. Brown

those of us who are expected to be attracted to men are sent an array of messages throughout our entire lives, in pornography and otherwise, that work to convince us that “enforced submission and the use of cruelty, if played out in heterosexual pairing, is sexually ‘normal.’”34 The idea that penis-in-vagina sex is “supposed to be painful or uncomfortable” for people with vaginas continues to be especially pervasive. These messages, and more, result in many asexuals and lesbians spending years mistakenly believing that unsatisfying, miserable, and traumatic experiences with heterosexuality are “normal,” unavoidable, and as to be expected. Therefore, we may never even consider, until many years later, that we are incompatible, misaligned, or at odds with heterosexuality itself.