He Who Fights With Monsters 7 (He Who Fights with Monsters, #7)

by Shirtaloon

Then they spotted a figure float swiftly past, and they both sat up. “Was that…?” Farrah asked. “TV’s Patrick Duffy, yeah,” Jason said. “I didn’t know he was an interdimensional being.”

“Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it, which is probably why they rebooted Dallas.

“Did the explanation have to be that long?” Neil asked. “What you just said is that the monster surge isn’t happening because of a bad magic thing that some stupidly powerful whatever made. Jason, being Jason, heard ‘stupidly powerful,’ immediately decided to annoy it and blew up its magic thing. Now the monster surge is back on, with a bonus invasion, and Jason’s coming here to probably get us all killed.”

She travelled in a strange vessel that was a cottage inside a giant floating orb.

“Oh, great,” Neil said. “Sounds like Jason’s time away gave him the humility he so badly needed.”

“You're not Luke Skywalker,” Farrah called out from her lounger. “Shut up,” he said, continuing his sword dance uninterrupted. “Anakin, maybe. Prequels, not Clone Wars.” Jason stumbled. “That’s just low,” he muttered as she laughed.

“A beautiful young princess, cloistered away her whole life. On her first real expedition into the world, she meets a dashing young hero with a wide selection of confectionary slices…”

What’s the difference between a construct and a golem?” “Golems are a specific type of construct,” Gary explained. “Usually shaped like oversized people, they’re more powerful than most other constructs. They’re less common because they’re expensive and hard to make.”

“Okay. Sexy teacher Farrah time it is.” “Are you looking to get spanked?” “Is that a trick question? I have been a naughty boy.” “That’s enough out of you,” Farrah said. “Yes, Mistress.” Farrah shook her head. “At least that brings us to the first and most important thing you need to know, which is that everything about you is bad and you shouldn’t do it.”

“I can be respectful.” “A conclusion based on what evidence?”

What's the next thing I need to know about our destination? What's the signature drink? Does it have coconuts? I love coconuts.” “I don’t know the signature drink.” “What kind of half-baked training did you go through? I should make some notes for Rufus and his family’s academy. They could do Responsible Service of Alcohol certifications. What’s better than an adventurer? An adventurer with an RSA.”

“I’ll do my best.” “Could you strive for my best?” Farrah asked. “It’s just that, you know… I’ve seen your best.”

“I have enough regrets that I don’t need to borrow ones I didn’t earn.”

“It still seems weird that she flies around in a cottage, though. She’s like the villain in a fable for kids.”

“I don’t want to live at some marina again,” Jason said. “I want to find a nice little spot, maybe buy an out-of-the-way plot and put my cloud house on it. Arnote is perfect for that.” “Livaros will have crystal wash.” “SHADE! We’re changing course!”

Jason roaming around of his own volition will do more to hurt the Builder than anything the Adventure Society can dream up, I can promise you that.”

“Nice. Oh, I’m Albert, by the way, but everybody calls me—” “Bert?” Jason asked. “No, Al. You can call me Al.” “And you can call me Betty,” Jason said, earning him a slap on the arm from Farrah.

Rufus clasped Jason in a fierce hug. “Crikey,” Jason croaked. “It’s good to see you, mate, but it feels like you’re trying to juice me.”

“Jason,” Farrah said, “you’re from that world.” “No,” he said softly. “Not anymore.”

If the Builder and his creepy steampunk cyborgs want to make things crappy for people, they need to go through me. I’m appointing myself the defender of cheerfulness, friendly barbecues and nice afternoon naps.

“Why are people shouting at this pale boy to play music?”

Wild Cherry - play that funky music

“You can eat spirit coins if you like,” Farrah told him. “I’ve lived in the land of refined sugar.”

Some people are simply ill-suited to remaining unremarkable.”

It’s lovely to meet you both. Let’s all go take a sausage in the mouth.”

“You don’t need to worry,” Jason assured her. “It’s me. What could possibly go wrong?” “You’re really going to tempt fate like that?” “Fate tempted me first. If I can fight the Builder, I can bloody well fight her.” “You realise there’s no actual god of fate, right? It’s just a metaphor.” “Good, because I'm pretty sure I couldn't take her.”

“What about you?” she asked, looking Jason up and down. He was wearing tan shorts, a floral shirt, sandals and a straw hat. “What?” Jason asked. “Don’t I look ready to spring into action?”

“You’re one of those people that never takes things seriously, aren’t you?” “Things take me seriously,” Jason said with a smile not quite as light-hearted as he intended. “I try not to encourage them.”

She patted the frog affectionately on the back. “You’re a good boy, aren’t you, Neil?” “That,” Jason said with a grin, “is a superb choice of name.”

“Don't worry; I have special skills. Did you know there's a high-pitched shriek you can make that tricks monsters into thinking you're a mewling infant and many of them leave you alone?”

“If you’re not human,” she asked, “what are you?” “Rakishly handsome?” “You’re silver rank. Everyone’s good-looking.” “Ah, but it’s not what you’ve got; it’s how you use it. Wait until you see me at the prow of the ship, wind tousling my hair. You won’t even be wondering where the sheep got that spatula from.”

Story pirates might be all about romance and swashbuckling, but real pirates are all about murder and avoiding soap.”

“G’day, cobber.” The crewman relaxed. “You’re one of the adventurers.” “That’s me. Dashing heroics at reasonable prices.

I come by my ignorance honestly.”

Pain was an old friend that he had no time for,

“Which one of us did you give the fake name?” Jason flashed a grin. “The name is real. I’m the fake part.”

“Once people invest enough in an idea, true or false no longer matters. They have made it such an intrinsic part of their identity that any challenge to that idea’s validity is viewed as an attack. Once it takes hold in an entire culture, that culture becomes very dangerous to its neighbours.”

“It doesn’t change anything,” Sophie said. “There’s a bunch of pricks coming to our world and we need to punch them a whole lot.”

She is sorry that she used you.” “Everybody’s sorry. Never seems to stop them, though, does it?”

“Why are you dressed like a fool?” Vesper asked by way of greeting. “I came by it honestly. I am a fool.”

How about we both take a step back? You take off your princess hat, I'll take off my clown shoes, and maybe we can figure out how to move forward without stabbing one another.”

“If you have to guess, Mr Asano, then you aren't playing the game; the game is playing you.”

Which tells me that this guy is gayer than a nautically themed dance troupe called Hot Seamen.”

“A greeting card is like that, except instead of being full of nice things, it’s a piece of card stock. It’s like a social puzzle where you have to figure out how long you need to leave it sitting around before you can throw it away without being rude.”

“Political favour is for today, Mr Asano. Integrity is forever. If

It was an elf standing on the back of a giant, white-feathered duck, gliding through the sky.

“He’s an affliction skirmisher,” Trenchant said. “Hit and run tactics, high mobility, high efficiency. It’s a specialisation that rarely appears and those that have it tend to die early, so you don’t see it often. Affliction skirmishers have a low margin of error and their survival is all about how well they expand that margin.”

“Why do I keep making the same mistakes?” he asked. “Because you keep facing the same problems,” she told him. “You’re surrounded by people with too much power whose interests converge on you.”

She has steel running through her.” “Do you think it was a sensible move, coming here and talking to us like that?” Liara asked him. “They don’t write songs about sensible, Your Highness.”

Even Jeni herself could barely sense what lay within, but that aura strength was not as disturbing as what she sensed within it. Trapped behind the rigid control was a maniac in a cage, howling into the dark.

Jason turned his head to look at the shadow creature beside him, then back out at the enemy. “At this point, what’s one more regret?”