The Do-Over

by Sharon M. Peterson

“Know your worth. Then add tax.” —MIMI

“When life gives you lemons, give them back and ask for grapes. You can make wine with grapes.” —MIMI

“One day, you’ll need to be the bigger person. Eat all the cake you can now to prepare yourself.” —MIMI

“A good friend’ll help ya bury the body. A great friend knows how much rat poison you’ll need.” —MIMI

PERCI’S NEW YEAR’S ANTI-RESOLUTIONS I will not try to lose weight. I will not try to be more confident. I will not put more effort into my job. I will not date. I will not try to be a better daughter and sister.

“Dull women have immaculate homes. And, honey, I’m a terrible housekeeper.” —MIMI

“Always choose kindness. Unless the other person’s a jackass. Then all bets are off.” —MIMI

“Home is where you hang your hat and eat ice cream straight out of the carton with a spoon.” —MIMI

“A wolf in sheep’s clothing is still a wolf. ’Cept now he has to dry-clean his coat.” —MIMI

As Mimi would say, “You can’t avoid the elephant in the room, ’specially when you’re the elephant.”

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. If it is broken, make damn sure fixing it’s worth the trouble.” —MIMI

“Hell hath no fury like a woman who is pissed off at her man.” —MIMI

“There’s more than one way to skin a cat. Whichever way, you gotta kill the cat first.” —MIMI

A peony saved is a peony earned. —Benjamin Franklin

“It’s the thought that counts, but math never was my strong suit.” —MIMI

“You could go on a wild goose chase, or you could let the goose come to you.” —MIMI

“Silence may be golden, but duct tape is silver and it’s real cheap.” —MIMI

“A gentleman never kisses and tells, his lady’s smile does all the talking.” —MIMI

“Don’t judge a book by its cover. At least you know it’ll be better than the movie.” —MIMI

“Drinkin’ your sorrows away only works till the beer runs out.” —MIMI

“Now, you’re skinny and a bitch. Eat some cake, honey. We’d all appreciate it.”

“There’s a foot for every shoe, a hat for every head And an ass for every saddle.” —MIMI

“Three can keep a secret, if you’re willing to murder two of ’em.” —MIMI

“A good man’s hard to find and even harder to keep.” —MIMI

“All a woman needs is a man who treats her like an angel and kisses like the Devil.” —MIMI

“Always choose kindness. And two-ply toilet paper.” —MIMI

“A friend in need is a friend indeed. Especially when it comes with a free meal.” —MIMI

“The truth hurts, but it’ll heal. On the other hand, lies tend to cut to the white meat and leave a scar for life.” —MIMI

“You can lead a horse to water, or you can drag it inch by inch. Either way, it’s gonna get thirsty sometime.” —MIMI

“If you’re looking for a hero, you’ve already lost your way.” —MIMI

“If it sounds too good to be true, you probably haven’t read the fine print yet.” —MIMI

“Beauty’s only skin deep. So, make sure you pay attention to the stuff on the inside you can’t moisturize.” —MIMI

“Men are visual. Dress accordingly.” —MIMI

“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can help you look for it on a nicer street.” —MIMI

“Perfection is boring. Be imperfect. All my favorite people are.” —MIMI

“A Southern mama is no different than any other mama. She’s just more polite when she lays on the guilt.” —MIMI

“Wishin’ and hopin’ is not the same as doin’.” —MIMI

“I may be poor but it don’t cost nothing to pay attention.” —MIMI

“The real measure of a man is not when he does something right, it’s how he reacts when he screws something up.” —MIMI

“Never trust a man if his teeth are too white, or he’s got two first names, or he says, ‘Trust me.’” —MIMI

“The loudest one gets heard; the quietest one gets revenge.” —MIMI

“When it rains, it pours. Best hope your umbrella opens in time.” —MIMI

“Stick that bottom lip out any further and I’ll sit on it.” —MIMI

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Which is a hell of a lot cheaper than a health insurance plan.” —MIMI

“The fastest way to lose weight is to get rid of the monkey on your back, and that Joel was an awful big monkey.”

“You don’t have to like your family but you do have to love them.” —MIMI

“The bigger the leap, the higher you might soar. But if you fall, it’s really gonna hurt.” —MIMI

“The road to happiness has a whole lotta hitchhikers. Choose wisely before you pick one up.” —MIMI

“An ending is just the beginning of something new.” —MIMI