Pageboy: A Memoir
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Read between March 19 - March 28, 2025
1%
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I’ve nothing new or profound to say, nothing that hasn’t been said before, but I know books have helped me, saved me even, so perhaps this can help someone feel less alone, seen, no matter who they are or what journey they are on. Thank you for wanting to read about mine.
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Shame had been drilled into my bones since I was my tiniest self, and I struggled to rid my body of that old toxic and erosive marrow.
5%
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I dismissed my feelings as dramatic, berated myself for being ungrateful. I felt too guilty to say I was hurting, incapacitated, that I didn’t see a future.
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And like a film stuck to my skin, I couldn’t wash it off. The compulsion to tear apart my flesh, a sort of scolding—I became as repulsed as them.
7%
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Everyone around me saw a different person than I saw,
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Why do we lose that ability? To create a whole world?
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Research has shown that transgender and gender-nonconforming youth are four times more likely to struggle with an eating disorder.
29%
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I guess that is what torture is, dragging you to the end and pulling you back, again and again.
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Hurting my body to that extreme must have been a cry for help, but when the help would come, it made me angry and resentful.
34%
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“What’s the hardest part of Rollerblading?” “Telling your parents you are gay.”
37%
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I went from a person who craved being on my own to someone petrified of it.
38%
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Hollywood is built on leveraging queerness. Tucking it away when needed, pulling it out when beneficial, while patting themselves on the back.
42%
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Nature takes time, all of our growth does. If we can see the impact of our actions, perhaps we can make better decisions based on those observations.
47%
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What a difference it would have been to sit with queer and trans pals and have them say, I feel that way, too.
48%
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The closet was grueling, it suffocated me. Stewing in my shame, exhausted, lonely, and depressed, I wished to be the person so many wanted me to be.
48%
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We do not realize the extent of the energy we are losing until we find where it is seeping from.
49%
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people meet at different points of their journey, unable to sync up the tracks.
51%
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Someone will break your heart but you will break one, too.
70%
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The world tells us that we aren’t trans but mentally ill. That I’m too ashamed to be a lesbian, that I mutilated my body, that I will always be a woman, comparing my body to Nazi experiments. It is not trans people who suffer from a sickness, but the society that fosters such hate.
71%
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This isn’t a dress rehearsal. This is your life.
75%
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Why when hurting do we want to perpetuate the pain? Self-punishment?
79%
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“I didn’t believe someone could love two people at the same time before. I do now.”
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She could be with me now. But she doesn’t want to be with me now.
83%
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It often seems like more people step forward to defend being unkind than they do to support trans people as we deal with an onslaught of cruelty and violence.