When we arrived at the hotel, all I could do was cradle myself in the hotel bed. No television, no looking at my phone, I just wrapped my arms around my body, time like sludge, barely budging. As I waited backstage I squeezed my hands together, eyes down, desperate to not have a panic attack. What if I just collapse onstage? I didn’t collapse. I managed to make it through the speech without being overcome by emotion, by the catharsis. I floated after, a lightness, a shock to the system. I did it. It wasn’t until I got in the car to head to the airport that I completely broke down. Sobs of
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