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February 26 - February 27, 2023
Reminder: I am mute. My official medical diagnosis is mutism due to anatomical damage. I’m disabled, and I live in a world that does not accommodate me. The only way to survive in this world is either with rage or humor. Guess which way I choose to live.
Fox returns that with more rock banging, a couple of barking yells and a weird yipping sound. I have answered Ylvis’ infamous question: What Does the Fox Say? Fox says, bang bang, clack, whoop-whoop, yip-yip-yip-yipeeeeeeeee, aroooooo. It’s a little embarrassing to watch until Bellamy grabs one of Fox’s sticks and starts banging on the rocks, then he too aroooos into the phone.
He doesn’t wipe my kiss away, and when I turn to look at Fox, I have to smile widely and do a little butt wiggle because Bellamy is slowly learning to accept that he’s stuck with us forever.
I’m not against going against tradition, but I’m kind of a princess and definitely want my Reaper-in-shining-armor to present me with a ring in a romantic way.
Alas, I’m married. How do I get my husband on the hit list so I can bang the red-headed stepchild of a past lover?
Do you kill people because you know it makes me horny?
Poor guy. He’s big and strong and intimidating, but he’s a little bit of a himbo, isn’t he? I give him my you’re-adorable expression and pat his head like he’s a good puppy because he clearly needs positive reinforcement.
Edovard is the best kind of puppy: already potty trained and presumably capable of feeding himself.
“Onward, Buttercup. There’s fuckery to spread.”
Bellamy gives me the evil eye and jerks his head toward Edovard, telling me in plain Mutese that Edovard is still my problem. Look, if the verbal are allowed to combine words to create new languages like Franspanol and Spanglish, I’m allowed to name my main form of communication too. We are now calling it Mutese. Wait. Mutish. No. Mutiny. *laughing while crying emoji* We’ll stick to Mutese.
Edovard moves his lips while silently reading, which I find adorable, if I’m honest, but also makes me wonder if he has a learning challenge like dyslexia or something, in which case we need to accommodate him, because we’re murderers, not assholes.
He’s like a lost little pupper. Of course we need him in our family.
“You can’t adopt every person that catches your eye, Romily.”
I’m a baby deer stumbling around on wobbly legs like I haven’t been walking for the majority of my life. Just call me Bambi. No, don’t do that. Bambi is the name of a buxom, blond sugar ba…by. You know what? Bambi it is.
Papa Smurf: Oh. We didn’t warn you about that, did we? Literally only Dakota likes flying with Dakota.
When I finish that, I step into my suit, adding all my shinies as I do. The fathers, probably Tag, sent me my set of gold jewelry: cufflinks, pocket watch, tie pin and collar chain, lapel pin, and earrings. The only thing missing is my huge diamond ring, which I make a point to point out when I pivot to show off my good looks to my Reaper. I flourish my arms and do a little curtsy-bow, then hold up my hand and tap my empty finger.
“Romily is my soul’s mate.” Aww. Heart eyes. “Bellamy is the son of my heart. Give my son his IMMORTALITY!”
Do you even know who you are talking to? I would never accidentally claim or decide to keep some random human I barely know. Never. Not me. I don’t do that kind of thing. Hey, do you think that maybe Edovard could be this Augur thing since he’s going to be living with us from now on?
Anything is a dildo if you’re brave enough, and you, my fated mate, are the bravest man I know.
“This world will tremble when it remembers what happens to those who fuck with my family.”
“I will send you more unsolicited dick pics than you could possibly handle. I will get everyone I know to send them. Constantly. You will get so many that you’ll genuinely consider going on a dick fast because you’ll be so tired of seeing dicks every time you have to look at your phone when Papa talks.”
