Sam

by Allegra Goodman

She serves BLTs and she remembers how she sat with Mitchell right here at the café and he said he was going to Portsmouth, but he would still see her all the time. She remembers the hot chocolate and how he made Portsmouth sound so pretty. What were her dad’s assets? His magic? His stories? She knows his liabilities.

She works a lot of weekends, so when she finally shows up with Justin at Red Rocks, everybody says, Oh look who’s here! Sometimes Sam thinks Sean, Kyle, and Amber are annoyed with her. Maybe they think she is a coward just doing what her mom wants. Or maybe they are offended that they see less of Justin, now that Sam is with him. They are all still friends, but it is not the same. It’s a lot more Oh hey Sam, you decided to come visit! And they look happier to see Justin. She doesn’t think it’s her imagination.

“It was easier for her.” “I think she’s glad her kids are older.” “Maybe.” Sam slips on top of him. “I’m not sure.” “Why wouldn’t she be?” Sam doesn’t answer; it’s too sweet. Only later, words return. “Because she is alone.” She wants to tell him about her mom and Jack, and even Adam. She wants to tell about the times that she was little, and all about her dad. For a second, she feels the wanting like that pressure behind your eyes when you’re afraid you might burst into tears—but she does not tell him, and she does not cry.

“I’m not alone.” “With Noah.” “He’ll be okay,” her mom says, even though Noah is not doing great in school, and he can’t really handle other people. “How

She is standing high atop the boulder, and everyone is shouting; Bolt is barking—but Sam is winded. It’s not like the dream where she was floating. In real life, joy comes in a rush, so fast, so sweet, she can’t hold on to it. She bends over, breathing hard, and what stays with her is the trying. Not the moment she pulled up, but all the hours falling.