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June 10 - July 17, 2025
Boundaries aren’t meant to shove love away. Quite the opposite. We set boundaries so we know what to do when we very much want to love those around us really well without losing ourselves in the process. Good boundaries help us preserve the love within us even when some relationships become unsustainable and we must accept the reality of a goodbye.
But we can’t enable bad behavior in ourselves and others and call it love. We can’t tolerate destructive patterns and call it love. And we can’t pride ourselves on being loyal and longsuffering in our relationships when it’s really perpetuating violations of what God says love is.
Setting boundaries from a place of anger and bitterness will only lead to control and manipulation. Setting boundaries as a punishment will only serve to imprison us. But setting boundaries from a place of love provides an opportunity for relationships to grow deeply because true connection thrives within the safety of health and honesty.
“You cannot build trust that keeps getting broken.”
Love given is wildly beautiful. Love received is wildly fulfilling. But for love to thrive as true and lasting, it must be within the safety of trust. Without trust, love will die. So, I had to say it: “You cannot build trust that keeps getting broken.”
If you go with what they say, you’ll become more and more convinced you’re the problem. If you oppose what they say, they will make sure you feel you are definitely the problem. Either way, you lose.
I hope you’ll soon see that boundaries aren’t just a good idea, they are a God idea. Boundaries are woven into everything God has done since the very beginning.
Where there is an abundance of chaos, there is usually a lack of good boundaries. Chaos shouldn’t be the norm and while we can’t always change the source of the chaos, we must tend to what we can change. Please know: it’s not unchristian to set these healthy parameters. It’s not unchristian to require people to treat you in healthy ways. And for us to do the same for others. It’s not unchristian to call wrong things wrong and hurtful things hurtful.
What I’m not saying is that because of compassion we condone or enable their actions and stay in situations where there’s harm being done. But what I am saying is that, as we take a step back, we can consider having compassion for whatever caused the original root of shame and chaos in their heart that then drove them to try to act and react in such unhealthy ways.
If, however, the beach sand was filled with spurs, I would stop expecting the sand to be soothing and instead get laser-focused on avoiding getting hurt.
The real issue was I started to resent the amount of emotional access to my life I had given to her.
If we give a neighbor a key to our front door, it’s because we trust they understand how to be responsible with that kind of access. And if there is an indication that our neighbor isn’t being responsible with the access we’ve given them, we know restricting that access is wise. I haven’t been as wise about understanding how to guard my heart. Maybe this has been a problem for many of us. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
the Hebrew word for guard, mišmār, communicates an active nature of how someone should guard.1 What this means is that guarding is active, not passive. We aren’t trying to protect ourselves from love. If we love, we will risk being hurt. But we are trying to protect ourselves for love.
Love can be unconditional but relational access never should be.
iniquity points to the character or motivation of the action more than the action itself. So, it’s not just what someone does or doesn’t do; it’s what her actions represent. I think this is where things can get so confusing when we know something someone is doing is hurtful to us, but we can’t pinpoint it as sin.
What we are looking for are patterns of hurtful and harmful behavior.
unchecked misuse of a relationship can quickly turn into abuse in a relationship.
sin and iniquity not only cause separation with God but between people as well.
Too much access without the correct responsibility is detrimental.
If we’ve given them level-ten access but they are only willing or capable of level-three responsibility, that’s the real source of the problem.
I take control of reducing the access to the level of responsibility they are capable of. That solution is called a boundary.
People who are irresponsible with our hearts should not be granted great access to our hearts. And the same is true for all other kinds of access as well—physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial.
Bottom line: God established boundaries to protect intimacy, not decimate it. And we should do the same.
Relationships often die not because of conversations that were had but rather conversations that were needed but never had.
Being aware of our dysfunctions doesn’t fix them. If we want healthier relationships we must also be willing to address them.
It’s about no longer being aware of just how dysfunctional things have become and reacting as if something is normal when it absolutely is not. Dysfunction means things aren’t working correctly. In other words, something gets in the way of how things ought to be.
Appropriately addressing the issue is healthy. Ignoring the issue increases the likelihood of dysfunction.
there are some friends who are there for you in both good times and times of adversity to the extent that they become as close to you as family. This kind of emotional closeness encourages that each of you grants great access to one another. And that is not a bad thing. However, with such closeness or access, you must understand what each of you needs from the other to continue a mutually healthy and respectful relationship. This is what I’ve been referring to when I say we need someone’s level of responsibility to match their level of access. You get to communicate what makes you feel
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It is understandable to want to help out a close friend, but it is not wise to refuse to apply responsibility and reason to this relationship.
We don’t throw reason out of our relationships. We apply reason to our relationships. And then we can cultivate responsible relationships.
Good relationships require good boundaries.
If someone is demanding you drop a boundary or trying to charm and convince you that it’s no longer necessary—beware. People who are genuine and honest don’t go on and on trying to convince you what a good person they are. Proverbs 31:30 reminds us that “charm is deceptive.”
When we allow a boundary to be violated, bad behavior will be validated.
Boundaries define and protect freedom.
Access requires responsibility.
Broken boundaries bring consequences.
Healthy changes in someone can’t be measured just by the words they speak. There must be evidence of changed thoughts, changed habits, changed behaviors, changed reactions, and changed patterns demonstrated consistently over a long period of time.
changed behaviors are good unless they are a temporary performance with a relapse waiting to happen in the wings. As I mentioned before, Proverbs 31:30 warns us that “charm is deceptive.” It’s so easy to be charmed into dropping a boundary.
Sometimes good things become wrong things if used in wrong ways.
You acknowledge and respect the concept of limitations because you don’t like how you act and react when you get stretched too thin. And you wisely establish boundaries when people keep pushing for you to go past your capacity. When people aren’t respectful of our limits, we can set boundaries, or we can pay consequences.
Just like our accounts can get overdrawn, so can our emotions. Just like spending that gets out of control can bankrupt a person’s finances, expending too much emotionally can bankrupt a person’s well-being.
When we allow our emotions to be misused and abused, there will be consequences.
I’m not saying we are all going to suffer life-threatening illnesses if a relationship gets challenging. But I am encouraging you to pay attention to how devastating emotional situations can hurt more than just your feelings.
want to share a quote from Gary Thomas. In his book When to Walk Away, he says, “If someone is getting in the way of you becoming the person God created you to be or frustrating the work God has called you to do, for you that person is toxic.”
There’s a difference between difficult relationships that have issues that need to be worked through and destructive relationships that are causing harm to the individuals and others around them.
It’s understandable that you and I feel anxious when someone is misusing or abusing the access we give them. But we need to let that anxiety be an alarm and not a constant state of being.
the person causing us anxiety in our relationship must start being more responsible or we must reduce their access. If someone is unwilling or unable to stop misusing the personal access we’ve given them, then we must change their access to match their level of responsibility.
1. A BOUNDARY ISN’T TO TAKE CONTROL OF THE OTHER PERSON’S ACTIONS The purpose of a boundary is to help you stay self-controlled and safe.
It’s time to shift your focus to what you can control with your boundary: Your environment What you are, and are not, willing to tolerate What you do, and do not, have to give
2. GRACE HAS A PLACE IN THIS CONVERSATION We can be gracious in how we talk about our concerns, our need for a boundary, and the consequences if the boundary is violated.
