Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

We all have relationships that didn’t last like we thought they would. But most of us find these endings incredibly confusing and sometimes crushing. Maybe you’ve wondered like me if it’s even possible for a goodbye to be good at all?

We’ll have to examine some hard places of dysfunction, distress, and even distrust. We’ll have to commit to wake up each day with a renewed commitment to assess our boundaries and how we’re going to be sure to adhere to them with equal measures of grace, love, and compassion . . . for ourselves and for the ones we’re in relationship with.

You cannot build trust that keeps getting broken.

We must not confuse the good commands to love and forgive with the bad realities of enabling and covering up things that are not honoring to God.

Health cannot bond with...

All relationships can be difficult at times, but they should not be destruc...

Boundaries aren’t just a good idea, they ...

Where there is an abundance of chaos, there is usually a lack...

It’s not unchristian to require people to treat you...

Heavenly Father, when the person who hurts me doesn’t see the heartbreak, tears, or emotions they are causing, I know You do. You remind me that I am seen and loved. I am not walking alone. As I start the journey of discovering how boundaries are not just a human idea, but Your idea, I know You will guide me every step of the way. Keep my heart tender and humble while at the same time steadfast and open to all You reveal to me. Continue to show me what You have for me personally in the pages ahead. In Jesus’ name, amen.

We know access must be carefully protected with so many other things in our lives.

We know this with our homes, cars, bank accounts, social media accounts, and even the streaming accounts we use to watch movies. We have keys. We have passwords. It would never be wise to grant access to others without first being sure that they would be appropriately responsible with that access. I’ve never heard someone say, “She is so selfish and unchristian for not freely giving out her keys and passwords to her whole neighborhood.” Just because someone lives close by doesn’t mean we can assume they will be responsible with complete access.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” I’ve often heard this verse taught in the context of dating relationships and purity. But I think it also applies to guarding the access to our hearts in other relationships as well.

What this means is that guarding is active, not passive. We aren’t trying to protect ourselves from love. If we love, we will risk being hurt. But we are trying to protect ourselves for love. We don’t want to get so consumed with the pain and chaos of unhealthy relationship patterns that we become a carrier of human hurt rather than a conduit of God’s love.

Love can be unconditional but relational access never should be.

What started out as a lot of access to God, with one boundary in the garden of Eden, changed because of sin. And as I keep reading through the Bible, the more the sins of humanity increased, the more the access was decreased, and the more boundaries were given. In Genesis chapter 2 there was one boundary, but as we near the end of the Law and Prophets there are 613.2

Then, as we keep reading through the Bible, the access to God became more restricted and conditional. His love was unconditional but access to Him was not.

What we are looking for are patterns of hurtful and harmful behavior. A hurtful statement can be called a mistake. But a repeated pattern of hurtful statements or uncaring attitudes or even unjust expectations is much more than a mistake. These patterns are misuses of the purposes of a relationship. Why is this so crucial to understand? Because unchecked misuse of a relationship can quickly turn into abuse in a relationship.

“Continued iniquity leads to irregular desires, which leads to a degenerate mind.

Unchecked misuse of a relationship can quickly turn into abuse in a relationship.

sin and iniquity not only cause separation with God but between people as well.

Like God, we must require from people the responsibility necessary to grant the amount of access we allow them to have in our lives. Too much access without the correct responsibility is detrimental.

That is the tension we’ve all been wrestling with in relationships, that we’ve never quite been able to put our finger on—granting too much access wi...

Have we required people to be responsible with the amount of access we’ve granted them? And, do we have the appropriate consequences in place to help hold them accountable if they violate our boundaries?

instead of feeling stuck because I can’t control the choices of the other person, I take control of reducing the access to the level of responsibility they are capable of. That solution is called a boundary.

Setting a boundary is being responsible enough to reduce the access we grant to others based on their ability to be responsible with that access. People who are irresponsible with our hearts should not be granted great access to our hearts. And the same is true for all other kinds of access as well—physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial.

Bottom line: God established boundaries to protect intimacy, not decimate it. And we should do the same.

Allowing someone access without accountability will eventually lead to abandonment. If I give you unlimited access to me and there’s no accountability, either I’m going to leave the relationship, or you will. If someone perpetually acts out, that person has abandoned the relationship. Remember: If you don’t have clear rules—if you don’t set boundaries for the relationship—then you’ll be ruled by the other person. You just may not know it.

Love can be unconditional but relational access never should be.

Unchecked misuse of a relationship can quickly turn into abuse in a relationship.

Like God, we must require from people the responsibility necessary to grant the amount of access we al...

People who are irresponsible with our hearts should not be granted great...

God, as I process the relationships that have caused hurt in my life, keep my heart turned toward You. Remind me that boundaries are meant to protect intimacy, not decimate it. Father, I hand You my deepest fears and anxieties because of my difficult relationships. I trust You to lead me with clarity in the right direction. Thank You for everything You’re revealing to me personally right now. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Relationships often die not because of conversations that were had but rather conversations that were needed but never had.

Conversations open the way for us to address what is and isn’t working. But even more, they help us establish healthy patterns instead of accepting patterns that are unhealthy. On a continuum, relationships are either constructive on one end or destructive on the other.

Being aware of our dysfunctions doesn’t fix them. If we want healthier relationships we must also be willing to address them.

Because of the Fall (Gen. 2–3), all of us have some level of distortion or dysfunction. We do not perceive, think, feel, or behave in the healthiest way possible at all times. As a result, emotional distortions such as latent anxiety, shame, low self-esteem, pessimism, depression, and perfectionism (among others) dynamically interact and affect marriage and family interactions.

Distortions of reality feed dysfunctions.

This is what I’ve been referring to when I say we need someone’s level of responsibility to match their level of access. You get to communicate what makes you feel respected and disrespected; safe and unsafe; healthy and unhealthy. Your definition of this determines what you need from your closest people.

So, what I really want us to take away here is how crucial it is to require appropriate responsibility and to apply reason to all our relationships. We don’t throw reason out of our relationships. We apply reason to our relationships. And then we can cultivate responsible relationships.

Relationships often die not because of conversations that were had but rather conversations that were needed but never had. Distortions of reality feed dysfunctions.

Where truth is manipulated, denied, or partially omitted for the sake of covering up behaviors that should be addressed, dysfunctions may not just be difficult, they may become destructive. We need a person’s level of responsibility to match their level of access.

Good relationships require good...

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. One who has no sense shakes hands in pledge and puts up security for a neighbor. (Proverbs 17:17–18)

God, help me not avoid or become numb to the dysfunction that may be present in some of my relationships. Even when naming it, addressing it, or confronting it feels overwhelming or even impossible, remind me that I am not alone. You are with me. Give me the courage to have the conversations I need to have. Give me wisdom and discernment so I stay soft enough to give the right people the right access but firm enough to reduce the access I’ve given to people who aren’t responsible or trustworthy. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Sometimes boundaries work. And other times they don’t.

If I don’t take my need for a boundary seriously, I can’t expect other people to take me seriously enough to respect my boundary.

It’s like I have temporary amnesia and start thinking the boundary is hindering peace instead of remembering the boundary is the only fighting chance we have at reclaiming our peace.

If someone is demanding you drop a boundary or trying to charm and convince you that it’s no longer necessary—beware. People who are genuine and honest don’t go on and on trying to convince you what a good person they are. Proverbs 31:30 reminds us that “charm is deceptive.”