Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

To love and be loved is to be enveloped in the safest feeling I’ve ever known. To cause hurt and be hurt is to be crushed with the scariest feeling I’ve ever known. You and I both know this. In different ways with different people and to varying degrees, we know the multifaceted complications of love and heartbreak. We dream of the best, we dread the worst, and we keep trying to figure out how to do relationships right. We build our lives around those we love. And those we love build their lives around us.

You can’t reason with a person caught in the addiction cycle any more than you can try to talk a live grenade out of exploding. When the pin is pulled a chain of events is set off that creates destruction. Most people struggling with addictions will have irrational justifications that will never make sense. They don’t factor in others. They truly think their choices only affect them. They don’t feel your heartbreak. They don’t want to see your tears. They will tell you that the blue sky is orange . . . that the orange car is green . . . that their glass is full of one thing when you absolutely know it’s something else. And when their lies hit you without even a twitch of remorse from them, you wonder if any truth exists between you at all.

Friend, you may be brokenhearted. You may be sad. You may be afraid and possibly angry. You may be focused on trying to fix what isn’t within your ability to fix. And you may even be fixated on trying to figure everything out. But you are not crazy. If you are smelling smoke, there is fire. And the only reasonable option at this point is to either put out the fire or get yourself out of the fire. Drawing boundaries can help put out fires before they become all consuming. But if the fire keeps burning with increasing intensity, you’ve got to get away from the smoke and flames. Sometimes, your only option is to say goodbye.

Love can be unconditional but relational access never should be.

My counselor has often reminded me, “Adults inform. Children explain.” I forget this. And when I do, I feel as if I have to prove that I’m not doing anything wrong by setting a boundary. At times I’ve been convinced by the other person that the boundary is the real problem and things will never get better while the boundary is in place.

When other people excuse away or minimize this person’s behavior, keeping the boundary can feel doubly difficult. If others don’t feel personally threatened or triggered by this person’s behavior, then they may accuse me of making more out of this situation than I “should.” Usually, these are people who feel a little inconvenienced or frustrated by the boundary and would rather I ignore the issues at hand than address them. This can often happen at the holidays when your family wants everyone to get together, but you have a necessary boundary with someone whose behavior you are no longer willing to tolerate. Or it can happen at work when you are expected to “set aside personal issues” but sometimes professional issues cross over into personal violations.

When we allow a boundary to be violated, bad behavior will be validated.

REMEMBER: “Adults inform. Children explain.”—Jim Cress When we allow a boundary to be violated, bad behavior will be validated. The absence of boundaries means the presence of chaos. The problem isn’t the boundary, it’s that the other person won’t respect the boundary. Boundaries aren’t going to fix the other person. But they are going to help you stay fixed on what is good, what is acceptable, and what you need to stay healthy and safe.

If you have given someone access to your emotions and they are irresponsible and don’t consider how their actions are affecting you, pay attention. You’ll know it by the amount of anxiety that stirs up when they are around. The person who continues to break your heart isn’t in a place to properly care for your heart.

Today, most of us aren’t dealing with unusually large tigers chasing us. But we are dealing with the jolt of energy that comes when we are alarmed by misuse and abuse. That energy is anxiety. And that anxiety is compelling us to do something about whoever’s actions are making us feel that something isn’t right.

The feeling of anxiety is like an alarm bell alerting us to remember the Lord is near, so we don’t have to overreact; we can let the peace of God protect our hearts and minds, and intentionally direct and filter our thoughts, factoring in what is still good. And keep putting into practice these good principles. It’s understandable that you and I feel anxious when someone is misusing or abusing the access we give them. But we need to let that anxiety be an alarm and not a constant state of being.

So, you decide in order to continue to keep this level of access to each other’s tender concerns, ground rules need to be established so you each know how to be responsible and caring toward the other. You might say, “In order for us to stay in this conversation, we need to agree not to attack each other, raise our voices, get defensive, or bring up other grievances or topics that aren’t related to the discussion at hand. If any of these occur, we will have to pause the conversation and try again at another set time. For both our sakes, I am unwilling to move forward in a conversation that turns hurtful.”

When people aren’t respectful of our limits, we can set boundaries, or we can pay consequences. The person who continues to break your heart isn’t in a place to properly care for your heart. If your focus is trying to change the other person, you will quickly feel like boundaries don’t work for you. “Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it mean.”—Jim Cress It’s often people who need boundaries the most who will respect them the least. A boundary without a real consequence will never be taken seriously.

My friend Candace recently said to me, “Your healing will bring out the emotional immaturity of those around you not willing to pursue health for themselves.”

If this is you, don’t be surprised by the tension caused by relational strain. And when you decide to establish boundaries and the other person tries to label you as controlling, difficult, or uncooperative, see it as a compliment. Yes, you read that right—see it as a compliment. They are frustrated with you because you are no longer willing to participate in the unhealthy patterns of the past. You have decided to raise your actions and words to higher levels of maturity. And if someone chooses not to join you, there will be great tension. In every relationship there are patterns of relating. If you change the pattern and the other person doesn’t agree with the change, there will be agitation. The tension exists because you are doing the difficult work of no longer cooperating with dysfunction. Let that last sentence sit with you for a minute.

Mature people can disagree but still respect the sanity of the other person. Mature people are willing to see the impact their actions are having on the other person and make reasonable adjustments. Or, if they are unwilling to adjust, mature people at least communicate their unwillingness and acknowledge that the relationship may need to change significantly. They do all of this without accusing, abusing, or losing it.

They resist needed conversations or turn them against you. For example, when you bring up a topic that needs to be addressed, their denial of the issues at hand and the surrounding facts leaves you feeling like the crazy one. They go back to unhealthy coping mechanisms when they have a bad day or a hard conversation. They lack self-awareness or are emotionally tone-deaf—they are unable to understand how people perceive them. They have an out-of-proportion reaction to a conversation or the situation at hand. They don’t recognize the inappropriateness of their facial expressions, tone of voice, or timing in bringing up certain things. They tend not to own any of their parts of a conflict, always saying, “but you . . .” in response.

More times than not, they lack empathy in situations and do not consider how their choices will affect the other person. They are unwilling to honor or respect any communicated boundaries. They do not take responsibility for themselves or their actions and expect you to pick up the pieces. They refuse to acknowledge how unhealed trauma from their past, possibly even their childhood, needs to be worked out so it’s not acted out. They rewrite history to prove a point that serves only them or their version of the truth. Their version of reality is not consistent with facts. Their version of the truth is what protects them, and they really can’t discern what is and is not deception. They let their emotions get the best of them and sabotage what otherwise should have been a beautiful moment. Instead of acknowledging or confessing wrongdoing, they sweep it under the rug and hope they’re not caught.

One of the things that surprised me while I was studying Scripture is the connection between emotions and sobriety. Most of the time we simply think of sobriety as saying no to substances that make us lose control. But having a sober mind can also be an instruction not to let ourselves get out of control with our emotions as well. Let’s look at 1 Peter 5:8 (ESV): “Be sober-minded; be watchful.” This verse is giving us two responses that are important to keep in mind. First being “sober-minded” and second being “watchful.” The NIV uses the word alert. What is Peter addressing here? It’s anxiety. In verse 7 (ESV) Peter instructs us to cast “all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” And then in the second half of verse 8, after “Be sober-minded; be watchful,” the verse continues, “Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (ESV). Peter is telling us what to do with our anxiety. We are to cast it on the Lord. And we are to be alert and sober-minded. God has a part, and we have a part.

What people don’t work out, they act out. When someone doesn’t work through their issues, they’ll make their issues your issues. When someone has internal chaos from what hasn’t been worked out internally, they will often stir up external chaos and point the finger of blame. Blame is an attempt to medicate unhealed pain. So, when you try to establish boundaries to protect yourself from the chaos, they’ll see this as an extremely offensive move and will try to manipulate you into feeling guilty, so you drop your boundary. A manipulative person has never met a boundary that they liked! Chances are the manipulator has unhealed trauma or childhood wounds from the past that make them resistant to any perceived control over them. A manipulative person will see your boundary as a yellow light while you intended it to be a red light—with a full stop—to ensure your safety. A manipulator will intentionally speed through that intersection, risking whatever damage may happen to themselves or to you. A manipulative person will do anything to resist feeling controlled. If a person has unaddressed childhood trauma, when someone draws a boundary with them, the person may revert to an age when they first felt unsafe. The boundary you see as a protection to keep the relationship healthy, they will see as a personal rejection.

See if you’ve heard any of these types of statements from others. Assess whether these statements have contributed to you giving up on setting boundaries with certain people. When they say: “What I did isn’t that big of a deal. You’re being so dramatic.” “You are being overly sensitive.” “And you call yourself a Christian?! Jesus wouldn’t treat people this way.” “I thought Christians were supposed to be forgiving.” “You’ve got such a hard heart. Jesus would have never walked away.” “This is just more evidence of you being controlling and unforgiving.” “Jesus loved all people and gave grace no matter what. So, what’s your problem?” “You don’t seem like yourself. You’ve changed.” “I’m so disappointed in you.” “You’re just crazy and this is irrational.” “You’re so selfish. All you care about is yourself.” “Seriously?! How can you be so mean after all I’ve done for you?” “You’re so off base. Drawing boundaries isn’t biblical.” “But you’re my (wife, daughter, best friend, mother, sister). Acting this way toward me is out of order and unacceptable.”

They are disillusioning. When someone else makes us question our need for the boundary, we can second-guess reality, our sanity, our rationality, and even the severity of what’s really going on. We can easily start to wonder if the real problem is us rather than considering the source and why we are in this hard dynamic in the first place.

Somewhere in all the looking around at others for validation, we’ve stopped looking up. If we are living honest lives that honor God, we must not forget that people not liking our boundary does not mean we aren’t living right before God. When someone says something that hurts or offends us when we draw a boundary, it can be good to check ourselves. Is any part of this an attempt on our part to do harm, control, retaliate, check out, or give ourselves permission to be irresponsible? While checking ourselves is healthy, questioning our identity is not.

If people are constantly annoying us, frustrating us, exhausting us, or running all over us, chances are we either don’t have the right kind of people in our life or we don’t have the right kind of boundaries.

It’s interesting that the original phrase in the late 1500s was “God Be with Ye.” The contraction of that phrase was “Godbwye” which eventually became “goodbye.”

But I have a thought. I think Jesus said goodbye the same way He lived all the days before the hurt, betrayal, rejection, and abandonment. While the relationships certainly changed, He didn’t let the goodbye change Him. He let people walk away without letting go of who He was. Even when people turned on Jesus, He didn’t let a goodbye turn Him into someone He was never meant to be.

Might it be possible to acknowledge hurt without unleashing hurt? Might it be possible to admit a necessary ending without unnecessary slander? Might it be possible to be a little more mature or honoring of God or peaceful about moving on?

Memories are both our greatest treasures and our greatest sorrows. Maybe the way we say goodbye can help us survive the memories. Even when people turned on Jesus, He didn’t let a goodbye turn Him into someone He was never meant to be. Might it be possible to acknowledge hurt without unleashing hurt? Might it be possible to admit a necessary ending without unnecessary slander? I’d like a little more “God be with you” in my goodbyes.

Like I taught in my book Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, we can make the choice to forgive the one who hurt us for the facts of what happened. But then we also must walk through the much longer process of forgiving and healing from the impact another person’s actions have had on us. Forgiveness is a command by God, but reconciliation should be very conditional on many factors—most of all whether all parties involved can stay safe and healthy if they stay together.1

There’s a big difference between a heart set on construction and one seemingly hell-bent on destruction. I wasn’t the one breaking away from relational health. I wasn’t the one breaking promises and breaking hearts. I wasn’t the one leaving the place we’d worked so hard to get to. And that’s when I could finally say, “I’m not giving up. I’m not walking away. I’m choosing to finally accept reality.”

My definition of an emotionally destructive relationship is this: Pervasive and repetitive patterns of actions and attitudes that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting a person’s growth, often accompanied by a lack of awareness, lack of remorse and lack of change.

Though Leslie was specifically talking about marriage here, I think her wisdom should be considered for all relationships. When we give people relational access to us, it should never lead to “less safety, less sanity, or less strengthening for the individuals in that relationship.” Remember boundaries don’t work when we continue to give too much access to people who aren’t being responsible with that access. And when their level of responsibility is a zero, their level of access to you should also be a zero.

Now, this doesn’t mean we can’t love someone who is in active sin. But it does mean we don’t participate in what they choose to do. And we don’t allow their choices to harm us and start drawing our heart into places of compromise, devastation, or deception. Again, we all need grace when we mess up. But we also need the awareness that there is a difference between an occasional slip in behavior and an ongoing pattern of behavior. Let’s be completely honest with ourselves and those who can help us discern what’s the best way to respond and move toward healing. If healing is possible together, then take that path toward peace. But if healing isn’t possible if you stay in relationship with this person, then take a separate path toward peace. Please hear me—I know this is complicated and heartbreaking and should never be taken lightly. I’m not advocating we throw away friends and family members when things get tough.

Processing a possible goodbye isn’t permission to peace out or tap out. It’s a pathway toward grieving and accepting one of the toughest realities we will ever face—an unsustainable relationship.

In the Jardin des Plantes we saw a hooded snake in a most unamiable condition of temper. There was a thick glass and a stout wire between us, and we did nothing but look at him, yet he persisted in darting at us with the utmost vehemence of malice, until the keeper requested us to move away, with the advice that it was not well to irritate such creatures. When one meets with an irascible person, on the look out to pick a quarrel, ill-conditioned, and out of elbows with the whole world, it is best to move on, and let him alone. Even if he can do you no harm, and if his irritation be utterly unreasonable, it is best to remove all exciting causes of provocation, for it is never wise to irritate vipers. You do not on purpose walk heavily across the floor to teach a gouty man that you have no respect for his tender feelings since he ought not to be so susceptible; neither should you vex those afflicted with a bad temper, and then plead that they have no right to be so excitable. If our neighbours’ tempers are gunpowder, let us not play with fire.4

Spurgeon goes on to equate this viper to people whose irritation is utterly unreasonable. They don’t have peace on the inside, therefore it probably won’t be possible for them to live with a consistency of peace on the outside. People who cause harm emotionally, physically, socially, sexually, financially, spiritually, intellectually, or relationally, whether they intend to or not, have a toxic impact on those who do life with them.

As the second-century church father Irenaeus said, “The glory of God is a human fully alive.”5 True, Jesus did say, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23). But when we apply this verse rigidly, without qualification from the rest of Scripture, it leads to the very opposite of what God intends. We are to die to the sinful parts of who we are. “We are not called by God to die to the ‘good’ parts of who we are. God never asked us to die to the healthy desires and pleasures of life—to friendships, joy, art, music, beauty, recreation, laughter, and nature.”6 So, with that I exhale my sorrow. And for the first time in a long while I dare to inhale the courage I know God will surely give me. I open my front door and cross my old threshold with new possibilities to be me—healthy, whole, and fully alive.