Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

When we dare to be so very known, we risk being so very hurt.

When we dare to be so very hopeful, we risk being so very disappointed.

When we dare to be so very giving, we risk being so very ...

And when we dare to unnaturally change into what someone else needs, we risk losing ...

This isn’t a book about leaving people. It’s a book about loving people in right and healthy ways.

Boundaries aren’t meant to shove love away. Quite the opposite. We set boundaries so we know what to do when we very much want to love those around us really well without losing ourselves in the process. Good boundaries help us preserve the love within us even when some relationships become unsustainable and we must accept the reality of a goodbye.

After all, God’s ultimate assignment is for us to love Him and love others. And this is exactly what Jesus taught and modeled. “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34).

But we can’t enable bad behavior in ourselves and others and call it love. We can’t tolerate destructive patterns and call it love. And we can’t pride ourselves on being loyal and longsuffering in our relationships when it’s really perpetuating violations of what God says love is.

Love must be honest. Love must be safe. Love must seek each person’s highest good.

the real purpose of good boundaries. Boundaries protect the right kind of love and help prevent dysfunction from destroying that love. Boundaries help us say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, and establish what is and isn’t acceptable. Love should be what draws us together not what tears us apart.

Setting boundaries from a place of anger and bitterness will only lead to control and manipulation. Setting boundaries as a punishment will only serve to imprison us. But setting boundaries from a place of love provides an opportunity for relationships to grow deeply because true connection thrives within the safety of health and honesty.

We can’t enable bad behavior and call it love. Love must honor God to experience the fullness and the freedom of the sweetest connection between two humans. Boundaries protect the right kind of love and help prevent dysfunction from destroying that love. Love should be what draws us together not what tears us apart. Setting boundaries from a place of love provides an opportunity for relationships to grow deeply because true connection thrives within the safety of health and honesty. When we’re hurt, good boundaries and goodbyes help us to not get stuck in a perpetual state of living hurt.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34) Love is patient, love is kind It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4–7)